Funerals and not having one

[florida girl]

I have always said I dont want a funeral just a get together to celebrate my life for close family . I have seen direct cremation advertised more recently it seems to becoming more accepted.

[sam_b]

A friend of mine’s mum had requested no funeral and she respected her wishes... however I echo what other people have said... The funeral is for the people left behind, it gives them something to focus on and helps them start to move through the process of grief and letting go. My friend found it terribly difficult without a funeral... she was in limbo... and other people reacted with horror and caused her a lot of stress by implying that she wasn’t being respectful, was being cheap and generally wasn’t doing the right thing.
I actually almost enjoyed my mum’s funeral ... not the crematorium, that was heartbreaking, but after, seeing friends and relatives, sharing stories, reconnecting etc etc ... it was life affirming and positive after such dark days. So, whilst I respect anyone’s right to request this, I would ask them to think about the people left behind.

[Island mamma]

My DH and I have agreed not to have funerals. Instead we will suggest that remaining family and close friends get together in whatever way is best for them to support each other. Our boys to decide where, when and if at all. One of my bothers and SIl are religious and they would want to say prayers for us, but would do so privately as it would bring comfort to them.

[Bartswife]

My in laws have a pre paid plan, ridiculous how much it cost them, my mil was even worrying about providing enough cars for all the children and spouses could fit in. The hymns they’ve chose are so depressing. Whenever we have had a family member die they organise flowers
and then ask us for a share of the cost which is something we don’t agree with and it catches in my throat that we have to chip in when it’s something we don’t agree with. When we go I want to go as cheap as possible. My late mother always said I don’t want flowers when I’m dead, give them me while I’m alive and can appreciate them.

[ChrisS]

Originally Posted by sam_b

A friend of mine’s mum had requested no funeral and she respected her wishes... however I echo what other people have said... The funeral is for the people left behind, it gives them something to focus on and helps them start to move through the process of grief and letting go. My friend found it terribly difficult without a funeral... she was in limbo... and other people reacted with horror and caused her a lot of stress by implying that she wasn’t being respectful, was being cheap and generally wasn’t doing the right thing.
I actually almost enjoyed my mum’s funeral ... not the crematorium, that was heartbreaking, but after, seeing friends and relatives, sharing stories, reconnecting etc etc ... it was life affirming and positive after such dark days. So, whilst I respect anyone’s right to request this, I would ask them to think about the people left behind.

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Hi Sam, we carried out da's humanist wish, and will with ma too, which we believed is paramount - 3 pieces of music, a recording of Midnight played by my cousin as they arrived, Morcambe & Wise, Bring me Sunshine, as dad was the spit of Eric, and played out with the Barnard Castle march, a one minute speech by my brother's friend who adored dad, all took circa 10 mins - then back to mother's for a bite. Nobody felt cheated or deserted and were comfortable with this. I find it appalling the way your friend was treated by others, shame on them, the lass had enough on her plate. I'm sorry she was treated so badly.

We'd have had a family/friends get together at brother's in September, dad's birthday, but C-19 meant that wasn't going to happen. That would've been one of about 3 get togethers we have a year, perhaps 2021

[mitch84]

Originally Posted by Bartswife

My in laws have a pre paid plan, ridiculous how much it cost them, my mil was even worrying about providing enough cars for all the children and spouses could fit in. The hymns they’ve chose are so depressing. Whenever we have had a family member die they organise flowers
and then ask us for a share of the cost which is something we don’t agree with and it catches in my throat that we have to chip in when it’s something we don’t agree with. When we go I want to go as cheap as possible. My late mother always said I don’t want flowers when I’m dead, give them me while I’m alive and can appreciate them.

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I don’t believe in flowers for the deceased either. But I take the money I would have spent, to buy beautiful coloured bouquets for the grieving.
I’ve been signed up for funeral flowers a few times outside my wishes, but I much prefer either donations and a bouquet for those who might need a bit of brightness in their week

[janeg88]

Personally I want a funeral, I want everyone in black and lots of tears as i expect people to be sad.

Donating your body to research isn’t easy, they are fussy so unless you have something interesting they are not bothered.

Direct cremation is fine at the wishes of the deceased but I agree funerals are for the living and a chance to begin the grieving process

I dreaded mums which was during Covid, but we had a graveside service and quite a good attendance. I enjoyed speaking to everyone who came.

[Mel49]

I have made it clear to my family that I don't want any funeral or fuss but just a family celebration of my life and they can use the money for a holiday. I am planning on redoing my will anyway so I will document my wishes.

My dear Mum passed away in June while covid restrictions meant only 10 people could be at the funeral and we decided on a direct cremation and planned a family memorial trip/short break to spread her ashes. This has not gone ahead yet as family are in parts of Scotland and England under no households mixing restrictions but it will go ahead once we can.

At the time of her cremation the family all took time to remember her in our own way which in my case was a cuppa and cake at her favourite coffee shop. If it had not been for covid she would have had a "normal funeral" and a wake which I would have found really upsetting and her friends either raised a glass, said a prayer or had their own private remembrance around the time of her cremation instead. I feel I still had closure as knew she was at peace and no longer in pain but I fully appreciate that everyone is different and some people need a service of some type to feel this.

[pumpkin mom]

No fuss for me. Send me off on my own to be cremated then scatter me in my favourite place . After my lovely aunt passed my mom and dad said they too want no service. Vicar read the eulogy getting her name wrong twice then the next family were waiting at the crem door to come in. Awful impersonal day which has made us determined it will be just us as family.

[mitch84]

Originally Posted by janeg88

Personally I want a funeral, I want everyone in black and lots of tears as i expect people to be sad.

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Apologies if your comment was tongue in cheek, I really couldn’t tell.
If it was serious though I would never wish this on my loved ones, a day of tears and sadness and gloom. I would want them to make it as light hearted as possible.
The hardest funeral I have ever been to was a friend of mine. She was 29 and was killed on her way home one Friday night.
She was teeny tiny and was always in the most crackers shoes, so we turned up in our highest most improbable shoes and we danced in the pews to Mama Cass. Her husband brother and best friend told silly stories and we did cry, but we laughed more, and it make it much easier on us