So I told my girlfriend

[Mr Tom Morrow]

I bumped in to a Mate of mine the other day and he looked at my thin T Shirt and said “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

I replied “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment''

[cartoonp]

Originally Posted by Nimbus

In case I haven't said it before, thank you cartoonp, Mr TM, and others for all the jokes posted in this thread. I like a good chuckle each day.

Keep up the good work.

See more...

You very welcome with all the sad news and covid news everyday all ways nice to have a laugh

[cartoonp]

I was in a pub the other night and started talking to an old chap at the bar. He told me he was 'ninety five today' so I bought him a drink. Then one of my mates came in and hearing the same thing also bought him a drink. Then another guy came in and did the same thing. After an hour or so of people hearing the story and buying him drinks he declined anymore saying that 'although he was ninety five today, he had to be up early in the morning as he was doing eight to four tomorrow'.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

I am sad to report that I am 8 days into self-isolation and it's upsetting to see my wife standing at the window gazing aimlessly into space, tears running down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have even considered letting her in. But rules are rules.

[cartoonp]

Why are boxing rings square?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

[cartoonp]

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.

For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.

"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.

"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"

Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

[cartoonp]

Last year, my friend Charlie was drinking with a group of buddys at a neighbourhood bar.
At closing time, one by one each friend said goodbye and left. My friend was the last man in the bar.
He finished his drink stood up and took a step towards the door. But he immediately fell flat on his face.
Lying on the floor he mumbled to himself,
"I must be more drunk than I thought. Maybe if I crawl towards the door and get some fresh air I'll feel better."
So he began to Army crawl his way to the door. Once he got there, he pulled himself up on the frame, popped the door open and took a deep breath of the cool night air.
He instantly felt much better and decided he could walk home now.
Once again he took one step forward and fell flat on his face.
"Shoot, I must be worse than I thought!", he thought.
He looked down the road to his home, and realized that if he could Army crawl to the door of the bar, he could do the same to his front door. So he painstakingly began crawling towards his home.
After about an hour of slowly inching himself home, he finally made it. Covered in sweat he decided to try walking again.
He thought,
"I must have burnt off some of that alcohol by now. This should be easy."
He pulled himself up the frame of his front door, opened it up and took a step inside. Once again, his face found the floor immediately.
“Good grief, I just need to sleep this off”, he thought.
So, being defeated he crawled upstairs, pulled himself into bed and drifted into a deep sleep.
The next morning he woke up to a huge platter of food in front of him with his wife smiling over it. He said,
"Wow Honey! This is great!
All my favorite food, eggs, bacon, sausage, and coffee! Why did you do this?"
His wife lovingly replied,
"Well I figured you would have a rough hangover and would need a pick me up."
My friend, confused by this asked, "I'm glad you're not mad that I was out so late, but how did you know I was going to be so hungover and would have such a rough morning?"
She said,
"Well, the bartender called.
You left your wheelchair at the bar
last night."...

[Mr Tom Morrow]

A family is driving behind a rubbish lorry when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."

"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that!"

[Mr Tom Morrow]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

Having sex in a lift is wrong on so many levels.

I walked into the library and said to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?”

The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.” I replied, “Yeah, that’s the one!”

[cartoonp]

Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.