So fed up with depressed husband.

[ali-s]

I don't usually post this sort of thing on a public forum, but I really don't know what else to do. Mum would have been my go to but she died January 2016 .
3 years ago ( December 2016, not the best of years ) DH , who was self employed working from home , lost his main contract. The company had been getting rid of staff throughout the year, but DH had survived the first cuts and thought he was safe, so he took it badly I didn't push him to get another job straight away ( big mistake in hindsight)but gave him a few months to look around and find something he was comfortable with, except he never found anything and didn't look too hard.
The longer it went on the fussier he got and he began to lose confidence. In July 17 we went on our last family holiday to south Africa, I thought he'd be refreshed and ready to job hunt properly when we got home, but no, his anxiety and depression got worse and he finally began to take the medication he'd been prescribed earlier in the year. It did no good, he constantly talked about suicide ( don't believe for one minute he'd go through with it ) Christmas day 17 he phoned 111 and they sent an ambulance out, they took him to hospital, dosed him up with diazepam and sent him home.
This was repeated ( minus the ambulance ) several times in 2018 until in June he was sectioned and spent several weeks in the psychiatric unit. I've no idea what they put him on in there, but he came out worse than he went in. He was under the crisis team for a while, then moved on to the recovery team - all the time worse than he was before he went into the unit. A couple of months ago the recovery team discharged him from their care as he wouldn't attend his appointments or follow their advice.
So , for 3 years he hasn't worked, for the last 18 months he has sat in the living room watching TV. He does NOTHING else. He won't help around the house.Voluntary work was arranged for him, he wouldn't do it. DS23 and I went back to south Africa last August, I thought DH would be motivated to look for a few hours work so he could afford to come with us, but no, he just moaned about being left behind.
I work part time, have had to increase my hours when I was hoping to decrease them ( I have arthritis and struggle with my hands and knees ) DS23 has Aspergers and lives at home, I can see the situation has affected him, he's so quiet and not happy. DS21 is well out of it at uni, rarely comes home, can't blame him.
I just don't know what not do from here. I have good friends but they all say ' kick him out ' but where would he go ? Mother in law worrys herself sick over him so I can't be as honest with her as I'd like. I feel so angry, resentful, disappointed and sad. We could be having a really nice life now the boys are grown and our outgoings are lower, instead I've got this miserable lump spreading gloom over everything. I feel like I'm single but without any of the benefits
No idea what I hope to get from posting this, but I'm fed up with keeping it in.

[JessBlu]

Big hugs, sounds like he has had a lot of offers of help and still does not take it.

If it was me I would be setting goals for him or make it clear without his trying to achieve that you cannot see a future.

First goals
5 minute walk a day
He is responsible for planning, buying and preparing the fanily meals All week

That would be my starting place.

If he refuses I think it’s time to move on I am afraid you can’t live like that.

[YorkshireT]

If he’s depressed and was so bad he was sectioned, he has been severely mentally ill. It’s not a conscious decision he’s making to just sit and do nothing, or to refuse help. He simply can’t help it, although eventually he has got to want to help himself.
I know you’ve tried but it really sounds like he needs more professional intervention.

[tspill]

Originally Posted by JessBlu

Not hugs, sounds like he has had a lot of offers of help and till does not take it.

If it was me I would be setting goals for him or make it clear without his trying to achieve that you cannot see a future.

First goals
5 minute walk a day
He is responsible for planning, buying and preparing the fanily meals All week

That would be my starting place.

If he refuses I think it’s time to move on I am afraid you can’t live like that.

See more...

Sorry - but you clearly know little about mental health if you think this is the way to go.
Having suffered a minor MH issue (thankfully for a very short term) a few years ago - that was bad enough. Someone trying to impose things on you can be the worst thing to do.
His behaviour is a result from the illness and not something he is choosing to do.
Yes it is frustrating for the OP, but it is a serious illness and needs to be treated as such.
I certainly dont know the answer, but they need all the support and love that they can get from their family. Those suggesting to boot him out are a disgrace. If they had cancer would they be suggesting this.

It sounds like he needs specialist help.

[Loopylooloo]

This is so difficult for all of you, and hard to remember he is ill, not just lazy, but as others say, he sounds like he has been severely ill and needs help not to be kicked out (your friends are trying to be helpful but sometimes you need just a listening ear not opinions)
I don't know the answer, but as awkward as it may feel to post here, (I did similar recently) it can help to talk, even if it is to 'strangers' I feel the dibb is a little community, hopefully coming here will help you let it out somewhere which might at least help you feel a bit better in the short term. x

[THOscar]

I can't imagine calling a loved one with severe mental health issues a 'miserable lump spreading gloom'.

I can't offer much advice having never personally suffered from depression or lived with someone with it but I do know that the above is not ok.

You say he'd never kill himself but you cannot know that. He needs help. I'd be going back to your GP or seeking help from a mental health charity.

[JudyC]

I gosh I feel for both of you. It sounds like loosing his job has made him loose his confidence and it's spiralled out of control. Apart from sitting down and having a heart to heart in the new year I don't know what to suggest. Try not to blame him as he must feel responsible. If he wont refer himself for help through the MHT would be consider private counselling, or online cognitive therapy. Some audio books are very good too, Derren Brown has one called 'Happy' which is very insightful I think. Perhaps you could listen to it with him.
Don't feel bad for feeling at the end of your tether and resentful with him, it's easy for other to say when they aren't in your situation. Having the Dibb as an outlet is better than saying this to him.

[3disneykids]

Sending hugs. You have found yourself in a very difficult situation. 3 years of dealing with this is difficult going both physically and mentally on you and your workload. Your husband clearly has severe mental health issues which need addressing further by medical intervention.
I do think expressing yourself even on a public forum is good and hope people can be kind with their words as you are also a risk of MH issues with all this stress and upset. You are clearly so upset that you wish to have some outside discussion in order to lessen the burden.
Unless you have had or have dealt with mental health issues it is difficult to understand how both the sufferer and those around them deal with it.

I feels sorry for your DH and I also feel sorry for you.
I wonder if there is any therapy you can both have to help a conversation without it impacting on either of your MH.

Please take care you aren't alone and even coming on here to vent could give you some relief xx

[3disneykids]

Originally Posted by JudyC

I gosh I feel for both of you. It sounds like loosing his job has made him loose his confidence and it's spiralled out of control. Apart from sitting down and having a heart to heart in the new year I don't know what to suggest. Try not to blame him as he must feel responsible. If he wont refer himself for help through the MHT would be consider private counselling, or online cognitive therapy. Some audio books are very good too, Derren Brown has one called 'Happy' which is very insightful I think. Perhaps you could listen to it with him.
Don't feel bad for feeling at the end of your tether and resentful with him, it's easy for other to say when they aren't in your situation. Having the Dibb as an outlet is better than saying this to him.

See more...

I was typing when you posted but couldn't agree more ... I am rubbish with words but this is spot on

[Lell]

Mental Health is a disorder just like any physical condition. He is not choosing to be lazy and do nothing. He clearly needs help. If he was hospitalised I assume he must have been bad. I have never stayed with anyone with MH issues but can imagine it must be quite draining but not sure ditching him is the way to go