Thoughts/advice required - DS returning from USA

[katiec68]

Hi Dibbers

Some of you may remember the issues I had/have with my son going back about 3 years now when he went off on one when I gave away his guitar, gave me a load of abuse and then we didnt speak for a long time.

I updated at Christmas that we had a video call following the birth of the baby and they wanted us to be the first to know about the babys name.

We were all hoping that that was a bit of a breakthrough in the relationship however there hasnt really been much change since then.

He will send over 4/5 photos a month and I debated for several weeks about asking for video calls as the wee one will now be at an age where he could recognise us going forward. I said that we can be free pretty much any time and although he said he would give us some dates none have been forthcoming.

I have also taken to commenting on her Insta posts where she tags the "other" grandparents (but not us!) that he is my grand baby too (yes I know its petty!)

Now my DS is coming "home" next weekend. He is going to a wedding in Italy then has a week here. They were all going to come but they dont want the baby travelling due to covid. I must admit that I got really upset at not seeing him - the baby that is! I had just not considered that DS would come on his own so I got annoyed with myself for not thinking of that in advance. DS will be staying with my parents - as apparently we are too far out of town - its 5 minutes and 1 stop on the train

Anyway he arrives back here on the Monday and is off again on the Friday - he has given me a list of the things that he has planned while he is here and the days left that he can see us.

Basically the times he has free are the Tues/Wed/Thurs.

Now I am working those days and on a Tues and Thurs I usually go kickboxing for an hour.

Part of me says we should get together those 3 evenings, part of me is worried how we will get on and another part of me does not want to give up my classes! YES - before you shoot me down - its only a coupe of classes and I do feel bad for even thinking that way.

I guess a huge part of me is worried how we will get on and a bit of me is maybe a bit resentful that he had already planned everything that he will do while he is back without asking me/us about when we are free and it seems that we will just have to make do with the scraps of his time.

I really dont want to take any time off work - we used to go to the cinema and lunch together such a lot before he went to the USA but I think those days are long gone.

My mum will happily cook for us but I feel that maybe I should invite them - DS, mum and dad over for dinner on the Wednesday. I feel bad wanting to go to my classes but I am not sure I want to be left in the same room alone with him. Isn't that just a dreadful thing to have to think or say.

Normally I know just what I want, how and what i need to do to get there. But I am just so unsure as to how to handle this situation and I will have to work really hard on my DH as he still remains livid with DS about the way I have been treated. (This goes back a long way - never get a birthday or mothers day card or present etc, let alone this current sitation)

Things might be perfect when DS is back but I feel that is unlikely and that I/we are an afterthought in his plans.

I dont feel there is any value in spending time alone together - if DS wanted that he would have said so. At the end of the day he will go back to the states and go back to giving a not giving a monkeys about us.

So again dibbers I welcome all your thoughts and advice.

xxxx

[parisdisneyfan]

I remember reading some of your previous posts and a lot of it seemed similar to how my dd is treating us since we moved despite her being a 30 year old adult!

Unfortunately I think you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t😥. If your dh is going to have issues then probably best just to go to your mums on Wednesday on your own, take pud and wine and perhaps a small gift for the baby. I think cancelling 1 or both of your classes may mean you go into it with some expectations and then feel resentful if you son is difficult. However if Wednesday goes well can you cancel your class on Thursday and go out somewhere?

Good luck whatever you decide. I know how hurt my daughter makes me feel about just a fraction of what your son has put you through xx

[Macca04]

Sorry ti hear things are still not great with your son, it’s such a shame that the little one isn’t coming over. It’s a bit mean them not face timing you with him.

As another poster has said I too would go to your mums for dinner on Wednesday see how it goes and perhaps make plans for Thursday.

Hope it goes ok whatever you decide. I can understand your DH he’s the one who has had to see you upset over the years.

[dx4100]

Some one has to swallow some pride at some point in this and backdown and start to repair things. Whatever the rights or wrongs of the past.

The only person losing big time at the moment is yourself. Its seems to me if you want a relationship with both your son and grandchild then you need to patch things up with him. And you know the comments on instagram aren't helping.

I would suggest you drop everything and see him.

Nothing changes - unless something changes.

[munmun]

Originally Posted by dx4100

Some one has to swallow some pride at some point in this and backdown and start to repair things. Whatever the rights or wrongs of the past.

The only person losing big time at the moment is yourself. Its seems to me if you want a relationship with both your son and grandchild then you need to patch things up with him. And you know the comments on instagram aren't helping.

I would suggest you drop everything and see him.

See more...

Interesting answer I guess from a young man's perspective. Why isn't her son, DIL and grandchild losing out from not having a relationship with the OP?

[dx4100]

Originally Posted by munmun

Interesting answer I guess from a young man's perspective. Why isn't her son, DIL and grandchild losing out from not having a relationship with the OP?

See more...

You realise that kind of sexist and deeming ? I am 41 year old with two children if you want some context. My mother has little to do with our kids, out of her choice, and its not having much impact on them to be honest. They are very happy. I think she misses out sadly by not seeing them. I wish she would. But thats my life and perspective.

This lady either wants a relationship with her son and grandchildren or not. It seems to me this many years in that something isn't going to budge unless someone makes a change.

Now lets try not to be sexist. I don't think you would have taken well if I had pointed out your sex and presumptions on age during a discussion.

[mitch84]

I think I’ve told you before I don’t talk to my mother or step father. I would have loved a relationship however, and I did try, but it wasn’t healthy.
Personally, I’d be tempted to cancel your class on the Tuesday, and try to arrange something low key on that evening. If it goes well dinner on Wednesday, and if again goes well you can miss the second class.
No way should you be a mug and drop everything, but you don’t want any regrets. If Tuesday goes awfully, then you can maybe close the book and move on.
I really hope it goes well for you xx

[Mr Tom Morrow]

I keep away from these Family issues as Ladies seem to have better answers than me as Men tend to fire from the hip.

However one bit of advice I would give is opt for Neutral Ground. If it was me I would meet him at his Grandparents house.

[munmun]

Originally Posted by dx4100

You realise that kind of sexist and deeming ? I am 41 year old with two children if you want some context. My mother has little to do with our kids, out of her choice, and its not having much impact on them to be honest. They are very happy. I think she misses out sadly by not seeing them. I wish she would. But thats my life and perspective.

This lady either wants a relationship with her son and grandchildren or not. It seems to me this many years in that something isn't going to budge unless someone makes a change.

Now lets try not to be sexist. I don't think you would have taken well if I had pointed out your sex and presumptions on age during a discussion.

See more...

I apologise if you find it that way it was not my intention it was simply clear from what you said that you were seeing it from the perspective of the son.

I realise that the things that happen through all our lives make up our thoughts and feelings. I have a good relationship with my children but I am a 68 year old woman who has a good relationship with my grandchildren so that inevitably colours my perspective and I at least can acknowledge that.

The OP is clearly seeing this from her perspective and acknowledging that whatever she does is not going to repair the relationship so asking how far she should go with her efforts

[2waterford]

I have remembered your previous posts and as someone says you are damned if you do and damned if you dont.

From a moms point of view I would meet him this week, none of us know what is around the corner and you want to build a relationship with your grandson and I think if you don’t meet him this week it will be held against you and not forgotten further down the line.

Hope all goes well for you 😍