Thoughts/advice required - DS returning from USA

[Tink Tina]

Hi not knowing your story would it be an idea to go somewhere completely impersonal for dinner on the first evening and if that’s successful then make plans for the other days.

I appreciate you’re feeling hurt and upset about not seeing the baby but please make the effort to re-connect with your son……he may have changed and I feel you both deserve this chance to make amends.

Hope it all goes well

[JudyC]

I agree that no matter what happened in the past one of you needs to swallow their pride and let go of past resentment, if the relationship is to improve. If that needs to be you so be it. Tell your son you miss him , life is too short to keep these family issues going.

[katiec68]

Thank you all for your posts - each is appreciated.

To try to answer a few points

I have already bought a few bits for DS to take home for them and bubs - birthday and Xmas presents! (Saves a fortune on postage )

I dont think its a case of wanting a relationship or not. Thats too simplistic for the situation we are in. I clearly would love a relationship with my DS, my DGS and DIL, however it really takes 2 to want a relationship. When someone lives 4000 miles away and is not prepared to video chat - even for 5 minutes there is little I can do.
I feel if my DS really wanted a relationship he could message me privately but I understand that if his wife is behind it then he wont want to go behind her back.
I do not feel that I can ask every week for a video chat.

As I pointed out we had a fabulous relationship (well pretty good anyway) before he went out to the USA. He lived and worked in London and would ring me 2-3 times a day, most days of the week.
This kind of contact stopped when he moved to the US. I understand he wont ring 2-3 times a day - of course I do but there are plenty of ways he could stay in touch if he really wanted to.

I have sent presents, and message about every 2 weeks asking how things are.
With regards to the Insta posts I also send lovely messages about their photos privately and post them publicly too but I dont see why I should be cut out of the picture.

My DH will be a model of decorum when DS is here - he just find the whole situation a nightmare and wants to do what's best for me. Again before DS went to the USA DH would drive him about here there and everywhere, do the usual stuff you do with kids (not his DS by the way) and they got on really well.

Its definitely not that I cant be bothered - of course I dont want to fail and I have tried to build bridges but yes my guard is up.


DS made all his arrangements for what he will do whilst here before even saying to us that he was coming - so it was "here are the times I am free" rather than "when are you going to be free". Yes its very picky but I feel that DS could have asked what our plans were before asking all his mates what their plans were. Again I feel we were the last people he thought that he wanted to see.

I think I will ask my parents and DS for dinner over on the Tuesday and we will probably go to theirs on the Wednesday.
I would take a few hours off work but I dont think that DS will want to meet me alone - i just think it will be too awkward so having others there will be better.

I would dearly love this situation to be resolved and to give my DGS the biggest hug in the world. It breaks my heart to have to see him grow up on instagram and rely on scraps of photos every month.
I just feel that anything I do or say will not change DS mind. He has had 3 years to change his mind and I truly thought when the baby came along that DS might think that we could resolve the situation but nothing has really changed.

DH and I are hoping that maybe we can get a long weekend in the USA to see the baby early next year but we will see how next week goes. I would like to fly out on a Friday, see them Sat/Sun and fly home Monday - we dont want to over do it but I would dearly love a hug with my DGS!

[ClaireNJ]

Originally Posted by katiec68

Thank you all for your posts - each is appreciated.

To try to answer a few points

I have already bought a few bits for DS to take home for them and bubs - birthday and Xmas presents! (Saves a fortune on postage )

I dont think its a case of wanting a relationship or not. Thats too simplistic for the situation we are in. I clearly would love a relationship with my DS, my DGS and DIL, however it really takes 2 to want a relationship. When someone lives 4000 miles away and is not prepared to video chat - even for 5 minutes there is little I can do.
I feel if my DS really wanted a relationship he could message me privately but I understand that if his wife is behind it then he wont want to go behind her back.
I do not feel that I can ask every week for a video chat.

As I pointed out we had a fabulous relationship (well pretty good anyway) before he went out to the USA. He lived and worked in London and would ring me 2-3 times a day, most days of the week.
This kind of contact stopped when he moved to the US. I understand he wont ring 2-3 times a day - of course I do but there are plenty of ways he could stay in touch if he really wanted to.

I have sent presents, and message about every 2 weeks asking how things are.
With regards to the Insta posts I also send lovely messages about their photos privately and post them publicly too but I dont see why I should be cut out of the picture.

My DH will be a model of decorum when DS is here - he just find the whole situation a nightmare and wants to do what's best for me. Again before DS went to the USA DH would drive him about here there and everywhere, do the usual stuff you do with kids (not his DS by the way) and they got on really well.

Its definitely not that I cant be bothered - of course I dont want to fail and I have tried to build bridges but yes my guard is up.


DS made all his arrangements for what he will do whilst here before even saying to us that he was coming - so it was "here are the times I am free" rather than "when are you going to be free". Yes its very picky but I feel that DS could have asked what our plans were before asking all his mates what their plans were. Again I feel we were the last people he thought that he wanted to see.

I think I will ask my parents and DS for dinner over on the Tuesday and we will probably go to theirs on the Wednesday.
I would take a few hours off work but I dont think that DS will want to meet me alone - i just think it will be too awkward so having others there will be better.

I would dearly love this situation to be resolved and to give my DGS the biggest hug in the world. It breaks my heart to have to see him grow up on instagram and rely on scraps of photos every month.
I just feel that anything I do or say will not change DS mind. He has had 3 years to change his mind and I truly thought when the baby came along that DS might think that we could resolve the situation but nothing has really changed.

DH and I are hoping that maybe we can get a long weekend in the USA to see the baby early next year but we will see how next week goes. I would like to fly out on a Friday, see them Sat/Sun and fly home Monday - we dont want to over do it but I would dearly love a hug with my DGS!

See more...

Maybe your son planned his time over here because he is nervous of coming over & meeting up
If it was me I’d explain how you feel & that you want to be part of their lives & take it from there
Tell him you want to see your Grandson ❤️
You were once so so close hopefully you can get some of that back
I wish you all the luck in the world next week
Xxx

[lfc_sarah]

Some great advice on this thread, please update us on how meeting up with your son goes x

[Macca04]

I’ve been following your story from the beginning, good luck for next week and let’s hope for a fresh start and you get to see your gorgeous grandson.

[Bozza]

There's a lot of stuff here, but I just want to pick out one particular point you have reiterated...

Originally Posted by katiec68

Anyway he arrives back here on the Monday and is off again on the Friday - he has given me a list of the things that he has planned while he is here and the days left that he can see us.

Basically the times he has free are the Tues/Wed/Thurs.

See more...

Originally Posted by katiec68

DS made all his arrangements for what he will do whilst here before even saying to us that he was coming - so it was "here are the times I am free" rather than "when are you going to be free". Yes its very picky but I feel that DS could have asked what our plans were before asking all his mates what their plans were. Again I feel we were the last people he thought that he wanted to see.

See more...

So, he arrives on Monday and leaves on Friday. So, the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday he has suggested to you is, essentially, most of the time he is here - that doesn't sound like he has offered you the scraps at all.

My mother and I had a falling out, of sorts, a few years ago. I'm still not entirely sure what it was about, frankly, but days of not talking turned into weeks and turned into months.

We're both relatively stubborn and I could see it could easily persist until one of us dropped dead so I swallowed some pride, even though I felt quite angry and bitter, and made the first move.

As @dx4100 said: someone has to make that move. Be that person.

[katiec68]

Originally Posted by Bozza

There's a lot of stuff here, but I just want to pick out one particular point you have reiterated...





So, he arrives on Monday and leaves on Friday. So, the Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday he has suggested to you is, essentially, most of the time he is here - that doesn't sound like he has offered you the scraps at all.

My mother and I had a falling out, of sorts, a few years ago. I'm still not entirely sure what it was about, frankly, but days of not talking turned into weeks and turned into months.

We're both relatively stubborn and I could see it could easily persist until one of us dropped dead so I swallowed some pride, even though I felt quite angry and bitter, and made the first move.

As @dx4100 said: someone has to make that move. Be that person.

See more...

Hi Yes you are right and I did say I was being picky - I am aware that I am a bit over sensitive about the whole thing. He is actually here for about 10 days but has booked in dinners/football matches etc with his mates, then said that those were the days he had nothing planned.

I honestly have tried to break the deadlock. I message to ask how things are and have asked for video chats. Given they live soo far away I feel there is little more I can practically do. It would be easier to sort out if they were round the corner!

I will do my best to try to come to some sort of resolution whilst he is "home".
This situation is not of my making nor of my liking but I agree that something needs to change.
How that happens and if I have the courage to change it I dont know.

[vanlou]

I don’t have any advice but I really hope, whatever you decide to do, that it all goes well xx

[MrsBC]

If it were me, I'd go any / all of those 3 days even if I had to put a holiday in from work, and meet him halfway, if there's a chance at all of spending time with him and trying to mend bridges. If you don't see him, or appear reluctant to give up a sports class, they're never going to be mended.
Sorry if this sounds harsh.