Thoughts/advice required - DS returning from USA

[Gryff]

As a mother of sons I know sometimes discretion is the better part of valour where grandkids are involved
My MIL hated me with a passion but I was bigger and better than her why I never spoke I’ll of her in front of the boys and never stopped them seeing her
But Karma cane into when as young men they told her not to disrespect me because I’d never disrespected her
Neutral ground is always best and one of my mother’s favourite don’t burn your boats even if you are up **** creek without a paddle

[Bozza]

Originally Posted by katiec68

I honestly have tried to break the deadlock. I message to ask how things are and have asked for video chats. Given they live soo far away I feel there is little more I can practically do. It would be easier to sort out if they were round the corner!

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Electronic conversation isn't easy, particularly if there is some unhappy history in the background. Nuance can be missed and apparently straight forward well-meaning messages misinterpreted for the worse.

This is your opportunity, IF you want to try and get things back on track, to make a real effort at making the move that may allow common ground to be re-found.

If you don't, he'll be gone before you know it, and you may just be left with "what if...?" regrets, unsure when you'll next see him and have another chance.

[mexico07]

I’m speaking as a mother of sons and with no previous knowledge of your circumstances but from what you say it sounds like you have had a really rough time with your son but I may be wrong but it reads to me that you are desperate for a better relationship, if it was one if mine I would drop everything and do my best to mend bridges with him your classes and anything else will be there when he goes back but this could be a good chance for you both to repair some hurt , sometimes we have to take a deep breath to move forward even though we have been hurt and are still angry , you have nothing to lose and everything to gain , what ever you decide I’m sure will be the right choice for yourself what I have said us what I would do , good luck 💗💗💗

[Feebee2]

The first thing I thought when I read your post was good for you, you're not dropping everything to meet your son. I remember your posts and the hurt there had been with little explanation.
I particularly remember as that was how my DD was treating me at the time. I no longer give her the power to hurt me. I'm confident I did my best for her and have never deliberately hurt her. If she chooses to see things differently that is up to her.
Do what you thing is best and what you feel confident in. Very best wishes.

[Disneybear]

It is only natural that he is going to want to meet up with his friends as presumably it has been a couple of years since he saw them with the travel ban. I think he has been quite reasonable with the times he has suggested - if he wanted to avoid you he could have given you zero days! Also sounds like it suits you both for him to not be staying with you (you’ve said it will be awkward being alone with him) so I wouldn’t let that aspect of his plans upset you.

You have everything to gain by putting the past behind you. I don’t know the history but really if the last 2 years has taught us anything life is short

[returnplanning]

I agree that neutral ground is a good idea, and I'd pick somewhere with a defined "end" such as a meal, so that gives either of you a chance to step back wihout losing face, but potentially could be spun out for longer if needed - my first thought was a pub where you could have drinks afterwards, but on second thoughts I think I'd be v careful with alcohol in case it lowered the inhibitions (again on either side).

As others have said, don't plan to spend all 3 days with him, but you can always cancel your classes at short notice.

[duchy]

I think you do Katie, the past is the past , you can’t change it and dwelling on the past changes nothing.
I was estranged from my brother after my Mum died. I didn’t even know my only niece had been born til she was nearly two. Yet the years have rolled on and ten years later we are close again , it took us both attending the same family funeral of an aunt who had begged us both to make the first move for it to happen though.
I get the Insta photos hurt , I was the same but I just posted NICE comments , about how gorgeous she was . Felt like whistling in the wind but in time it paid off in a way passive aggressive comments wouldn’t have.
Forget about who is right, forget about pride , just see him and hear about his new life and family and keep any biting comments inside (or post them here to let them out) and let a new relationship start to evolve , small steps.
As for not wanting to miss a kickboxing class, there will be a class every week once your son is gone again , think about the long term priorities “I can’t see you because I have a kickboxing class” just says ……I’m not interested. Don’t give him that message if you want to start rebuilding a relationship. Slowly build but think about those messages you give him and if that’s really the ones you want to give. Yes he has hurt you but if you can’t move forward neither can your relationship with him and his family.

Originally Posted by katiec68

Hi Yes you are right and I did say I was being picky - I am aware that I am a bit over sensitive about the whole thing. He is actually here for about 10 days but has booked in dinners/football matches etc with his mates, then said that those were the days he had nothing planned.

I honestly have tried to break the deadlock. I message to ask how things are and have asked for video chats. Given they live soo far away I feel there is little more I can practically do. It would be easier to sort out if they were round the corner!

I will do my best to try to come to some sort of resolution whilst he is "home".
This situation is not of my making nor of my liking but I agree that something needs to change.
How that happens and if I have the courage to change it I dont know.

See more...

[All-smiles]

I am estranged from my father. There is lots of history from my childhood but as an adult he never prioritised me, always put me second. He was happy to see us sometimes and then whenever he would get a new girlfriend he would never have the time for me - even though I was always the one travelling 3 hours each way to see him. He even had me sobbing on my wedding day and the day after as he had let me down with things. On top of issues from my childhood and after a few years of me trying, I gave up. The point to this story is, I feel like you should always prioritise your children. Having a child himself may have changed him, but he is still your son no matter what. It sounds to me if he has kept 3 days free for you- he wants to see you! He is trying! If it is a disaster, you know you tried and can try to move on accepting what your relationship is. If not, you have gained a grandchild and a son and a daughter in law. I will say however, after he goes back, if it's not a disaster keep contact when you can.

If you want to have a relationship with your grandchild, that will only happen if you mend things. Good luck and wishing you lots of happy memories to gain.

[Donaldfan]

Originally Posted by katiec68

Hi Yes you are right and I did say I was being picky - I am aware that I am a bit over sensitive about the whole thing. He is actually here for about 10 days but has booked in dinners/football matches etc with his mates, then said that those were the days he had nothing planned.

I honestly have tried to break the deadlock. I message to ask how things are and have asked for video chats. Given they live soo far away I feel there is little more I can practically do. It would be easier to sort out if they were round the corner!

I will do my best to try to come to some sort of resolution whilst he is "home".
This situation is not of my making nor of my liking but I agree that something needs to change.
How that happens and if I have the courage to change it I dont know.

See more...

You say the situation is not of your making but in your first post of this thread you said it started when you gave your son's guitar away (why did you give it away?). So from my viewpoint as an outsider, it kind of is of your making. Incidentally I haven't spoken to my mother for over 10 years, for a number of reasons. One of the best decisions of my life as I can be myself and not who she wants me to be.

[katiec68]

Again I am grateful for all your comments and it is helping me see both sides - so I am grateful for everyones input.

Originally Posted by MrsBC

If it were me, I'd go any / all of those 3 days even if I had to put a holiday in from work, and meet him halfway, if there's a chance at all of spending time with him and trying to mend bridges. If you don't see him, or appear reluctant to give up a sports class, they're never going to be mended.
Sorry if this sounds harsh.

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hot harsh and when I see it written down it sounds petty and pathetic - but the posting it here does help to see things more clearly x

Originally Posted by Gryff

As a mother of sons I know sometimes discretion is the better part of valour where grandkids are involved
My MIL hated me with a passion but I was bigger and better than her why I never spoke I’ll of her in front of the boys and never stopped them seeing her
But Karma cane into when as young men they told her not to disrespect me because I’d never disrespected her
Neutral ground is always best and one of my mother’s favourite don’t burn your boats even if you are up **** creek without a paddle

See more...

I have never spoken ill of my DIL and I always ask how she is.

Originally Posted by Bozza

Electronic conversation isn't easy, particularly if there is some unhappy history in the background. Nuance can be missed and apparently straight forward well-meaning messages misinterpreted for the worse.

This is your opportunity, IF you want to try and get things back on track, to make a real effort at making the move that may allow common ground to be re-found.

If you don't, he'll be gone before you know it, and you may just be left with "what if...?" regrets, unsure when you'll next see him and have another chance.

See more...

You are soo true. I just need to pull up my big girl pants and get on with it! Its just quite scary after it being soo bad!

Originally Posted by Feebee2

The first thing I thought when I read your post was good for you, you're not dropping everything to meet your son. I remember your posts and the hurt there had been with little explanation.
I particularly remember as that was how my DD was treating me at the time. I no longer give her the power to hurt me. I'm confident I did my best for her and have never deliberately hurt her. If she chooses to see things differently that is up to her.
Do what you thing is best and what you feel confident in. Very best wishes.

See more...

Thank you. Right now I need to keep them at arms length - it hurts when they do not think of me and DH as grandparents. I know DS speaks to my parents on a weekly basis - they knew all about the trip long before we did.
I will try my best to repair things and I will know that I have done my best.

Originally Posted by duchy

I think you do Katie, the past is the past , you can’t change it and dwelling on the past changes nothing.
I was estranged from my brother after my Mum died. I didn’t even know my only niece had been born til she was nearly two. Yet the years have rolled on and ten years later we are close again , it took us both attending the same family funeral of an aunt who had begged us both to make the first move for it to happen though.
I get the Insta photos hurt , I was the same but I just posted NICE comments , about how gorgeous she was . Felt like whistling in the wind but in time it paid off in a way passive aggressive comments wouldn’t have.
Forget about who is right, forget about pride , just see him and hear about his new life and family and keep any biting comments inside (or post them here to let them out) and let a new relationship start to evolve , small steps.
As for not wanting to miss a kickboxing class, there will be a class every week once your son is gone again , think about the long term priorities “I can’t see you because I have a kickboxing class” just says ……I’m not interested. Don’t give him that message if you want to start rebuilding a relationship. Slowly build but think about those messages you give him and if that’s really the ones you want to give. Yes he has hurt you but if you can’t move forward neither can your relationship with him and his family.

See more...

I do ony post nice comments - I wouldn't dream of posting anything nasty or horrid - things are bad enough with out it! I just say things like "gorgeous smile" "gorgeous boy" never anything nasty.

Originally Posted by Donaldfan

You say the situation is not of your making but in your first post of this thread you said it started when you gave your son's guitar away (why did you give it away?). So from my viewpoint as an outsider, it kind of is of your making. Incidentally I haven't spoken to my mother for over 10 years, for a number of reasons. One of the best decisions of my life as I can be myself and not who she wants me to be.

See more...

To summarise - DS went off to the USA to get married - we had met and liked his girlfriend and she had stayed with us several times. (and we had paid for various trips that DS took to the states when he was still a student so he could see her!) We were not invited to the "quick" wedding.
DS had lived away from home for 5/6 years before he moved over to the states, but stayed with us in the last month as he was waiting for his visa and was planning on going within a couple of days of the visa so he wasn't working at that time (he had been up until then). He left a big box of things behind that we and my parents were to take out to the second wedding. Which we did.
2 years later him and DIL came "home" for xmas - actually we all had to traipse to Cornwall as he didnt want to come here. He said he wanted to take his guitar home and I said I had given it to a work colleague for their daughter who was very musically talented but the family didnt have any money. He hadnt mentioned anything about it in the previous 5 years! He never took it to Uni or London with him and it got moved about from DH office to the spare room and back again so it was hardly sentimental.
DS then preceded over the space of several days to say how hurt he was by this, how I had let him down and spent over an hour verbally abusing me. All over a £50 guitar! So I MAY have started it by giving the guitar away - but it wasn't like it went to the tip. And I dont think my actions warranted the level of abuse that followed.

As an aside - I do not want my DS to be anything. He is clearly very happy with his life over there and clearly happy without me in it very much. He has a lovely family, a job that he loves and a great house - he appears to get on well with all her family.
This situation is not something that I am happy about but it is something that is difficult to change as he resists attempts at conversation etc.

Im glad you feel happy without your mum in your life. I never thought that my relationship with my DS would come to this.