So fed up with depressed husband.

[BONDY LAD]

sounds as though needs assessment regarding his mental wellbeing,i spent 34 years working with severe and enduring mental illness,there maybe something within him crying out for help,but clients will often say,they wanted to,but just could not.so its gp,then referral to services and a good firm care plan put binto place with regurlar evaluation,medication plays a part,talking plays a part,but instilling in him he is NOT worthless is very important.As for yourself contact a welfare rights officer and find out what benefits you are both entitled to,no,not a cure but it will help,its a long road,stick with it,you will undoubtedly ,innocently say the wrong thing,but don't belittle him, god bless you all,its now exactly a year since my "dark place vacation" started and my wife was my number 1 star in my recovery , I have been on both sides,its not easy,and when your thoughts are that strong its difficult not to act on them,my prayers tonight are for you both in hoping for a good and healthy recovery, bondy.

[vampiress88]

Just wanted to say I think your amazing.

I don’t think I could have done the last three years you have looking after your sons and husband. Even more so when you have health issues yourself.

I definitely understand the resentment and you’ve even said you don’t want to feel that way but I think it’s a kind of mourning for the person your husband once was.

I agree with others in that I think you should explain to your gp what you’ve said to us.
You shouldn’t have to do it all on your own and they should be offering some help.

I’ve had very minor mh issues so cannot relate to your extent but I know when I was like that things didn’t get through to me. It was a bit like being lost in yourself I can’t remember what helped me but it was like a light went on and I could see the way forward. It’s very difficult getting through if they don’t want help.

I really hope for you in 6 months time you’ll have an improvement to your life.

Some comments on here don’t realise that what is said can trigger things just by writing a few words and I hope all these forums not just dibb start to get better at how we talk to one another.

All the best. Do let us know how you get on and on here I find the majority are quiet happy to have some rants as it really does help even tho write things down

[Vinniecat]

Originally Posted by TinkTatoo

The thing that I’ve taken from this thread is that the OP and her Asperger’s son have had to deal with and support her husband for a very long time yet received no support themselves, and a lot of people seem to think she should continue to support him regardless of the toll it’s taking on her and her son’s own mental health and quality of life.

There’s only so much support a person can give, or are people saying that she should support him regardless of the affect it’s having on her and the rest of the family, Is their mental health secondary to his?

Where are the professionals that should be helping her husband, he seems to have had a lot of intervention but they also seem to be washing their hands of him and leaving it to his family get on with it which is totally unfair on them as well as him.

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Well said, I agree with this post. Even the best of us can only take so much before we crack. I feel for everyone involved in this situation. Mental health problems are awful and affect the whole family. Sending love to the original poster and family.

[Guest]

Originally Posted by JessBlu

People do have to take accountability for their illness.

As you say MH is no different to cancer or a broken leg, but people with medical issues have to follow the advice given, my post has been slated for telling him to pull himself together, (I didn’t actually) but offered advice on what he can do to get better.

The example being if he had a broken leg and refused to see a wear a pot or if he diabetes and refused to take the medication would the Op be expected to deal with the consequences no.

I was not suggesting man up, pull your self together that’s not helpful, but that he has been given a lot of help by the sounds of it, opportunities others don’t get and he is still not helping himself, at some point he needs to take accountability for this.

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I’ve been trying to think of the best analogy to explain why it’s not as simple as what you suggest, because I don’t think you’re intentionally being unsympathetic you just don’t have experience of what the OPs DH is going through.

Imagine being in a dark black hole, lost and alone. Now imagine people shouting into that hole giving directions in a different language that you don’t speak. As hard as you try, your brain can’t process their instructions. You aren’t choosing to ignore them you just can’t understand what they’re saying.
The OPs DH isn’t intentionally choosing to ignore help put forward, if he’s been sectioned and come out feeling worse it’s easy to understand why he might have lost hope and feel too scared to try and seek more support in case it pushes him over the edge.

OP I am sending you lots of love and strength. You’ve been very brave posting on here, I know it isn’t easy admitting something is wrong and you can’t deal with on your own anymore.
Your first step needs to be visiting the GP to get some support for you and DS, you can’t help your DH unless your own mental health is robust.
I would then sit down with DH and try and find some coping mechanisms for him. It sounds like he’s in a bad place and feels like he has let you and DS down, he tried to seek help and it made it worse. Him isolating himself in front of the TV sounds like an attempt to protect you. If he knows you and DS have support he might open up more.
For now try and break things into smaller steps. At this point the thought of looking for a job is probably as realistic to him as climbing Everest. Try and together come up with a few things he can try and add to his routine (discuss them together so he doesn’t feel like he’s being given chores by his Mum). Keep badgering for MH support for him, once your support is in place you’ll be better equipped to help him.

I’m really proud of you for messaging us today and asking for help/support
Feel free to PM me if you need to. Sending love to you all xx

[MEZZA]

I’ve only really read the first post

Sounds like the gentleman could do with extra support at the moment even if it is to just be able to talk openly without judgement - his gp will have information

However ... sounds like he has capacity to make decisions and that can include making bad decisions and he’s doing that by not following medical advice - that’s his choice

Your GP will also have carers support information that will be of benefit for the OP

[returnplanning]

It's a terribly tricky situation. Given the state of the MH services, the fact that he was sectioned tells us that things must have been pretty bad.

However, those who compare with physical health problems are also being unreasonable. For most of us, we are fortunate enough never to have our relationships testsed by any form of severe illness (physical or mental). While we all like to think that we would stick by our partners, the reality of living day to day with significant illness is unimaginably hard.

Working in the NHS, I have seen both those partners/family that stick by the patient through thick and thin and humble me with their strength, and those who do their best but cannot manage any more for their own health (again, either physical or mental), and I wouldn't presume to judge anyone for their decisions - in my experience those who leave usually haven't made that decision lightly.

I'm on a forum for healthcare professionals, and recently one person started a thread about how their partner of several years had a stroke, leaving them very dependent. The partner refused all care and expected the poster to provide it all (including personal care). The poster of that thread eventually made the decision to leave their partner and there was almost no criticism of that decision, because it's difficult for people to understand what it can be like.

Sorry that perhaps this hasn't been more helpful for the OP in terms of practical suggestions, but my final advice is that you cannot pour from an empty cup. If you need some support, then explore what is available for you via your GP. It may be that some counselling may help you decide what is right for you and your family.

Best wishes and thinking of you at what should have been one of the best times of the year for families.

[marypoppins38]

How are you doing today Ali?

[Jules32]

I work in mental health and I feel for both of you, nobody looks after the family who also suffer when a loved one suffers from mental illness.
firstly you need to ring his GP or the crisis team he needs different medication or some form of talking therapy ( long waits for this could you possibly go private). Has he been allocated a care coordinator ? if so contact them and get him booked in with a consultant . Please know though that he wont be doing this deliberately people suffering from anxiety and depression really sometimes just cannot see an end to it all.

secondly you need some support there's lots of support out there for carers i'm not sure what are you live in but if you want to PM I can signpost you in the right direction.

[CrochetFreak]

My sister went through something similar with her husband.

He got the sack after going into a depression after both his parents died in a tragic accident.

Long story not quite so long ... after a year of not much improvement, she got his medication changed which helped a lot. She also took him to a therapist (had to pay privately for this) ... where they sat and chatted and the therapist managed to bring him out of himself quite a bit during sessions. My sister was there to understand more about her husband and how he now thinks etc and to also find out what she could do to help him and also help the rest of the family cope. The therapist said it was really important family know how to react around him and what to say and not to say etc.

It was very slow going for sure ... he had ups and downs but over time was improving. This was most noticed by myself or others who visited at intervals. I g about once every three months as we don't live near.

An eye is kept on his medication as that has been altered a few times (mainly the dosage).

He is very lucky to attend a workshop specifically for those with depression where they take part in several activities including woodworking and even reading books outloud to the group. That is twice a week. Although she has to pay it is minimal ... enough that all that attend contribute towards the hire of the room etc.

Now three years after he became ill he is very much on the go. Only those that know him can tell he is not quite himself. He has a part time job locally. He gets very very tired easily so part time is all he can do.

My sister is much brighter and says if he gets no better, she is happy anyway as he is mainly back to the person he was. The biggest piece of advice she was given by the therapist was to treat her husband as normal. Never reprimand him or say negative things about how he is, especially in front of him to other people. I am not saying you do ... but my sister did used to. She would moan at him a lot. The therapist taught her how to moan at him but in a positive and uplifting way.

So I have said all that to show you, it takes time ... it will get better ... but you need to look at/find out all the options available. Join online forums on depression if you havent' already, local groups ou can attend. See about therapy. I wish you both all the best and I know what you are going through. It is certainly not easy for you to live with someone who is depressed as so hard to know what to do to help.

I don't know if I have helped at all ... but thought telling my sisters story may help a bit.