Online dating dilemma - landed up speaking to two guys by accident

[Princess Alison]

I met my husband online dating about 17 years ago and it was nothing like your description of guy one. I definitely think you should give up with guy 1 and see how it goes with guy 2 👍

[sparklegirl]

Regardless of whether either or neither are bonkers talking to two guys at once is absolutely fine. You may not like either even if you did meet them!

However as for guy 1 I would say that even if he is telling the truth he is in absolutely teh wrong place to start a relationship. I do see a lot of red flags and people do lie about their friends and family dying. Its insane the levels some people go to. If he liked you and was keen he would make an effort. Noone is that busy for that long that they cant pop off a wee message to say they are ok but just busy and checking in to see how you are. Thats not someone I would wish as a friend never mind anything more.

That all being said you do what your gut tells you but as far as talking to them I am not actually sure there is such a thing as seriously talking to anyone. Attraction is multifaceted and having done internet dating sometimes the person on the chat isnt the same as real life. Until there is a firm connection in both then continue chatting to whoever you like.

BTW 90 mins is not that far at all, I met my husband on twitter and he stayed an hour away, we have just celebrated 6 years together and 4 married so where there is a will there is a way!

Guy 2 appears to be putting his money where his mouth is to show you he is willing to do make an effort. Guy 1 is making excuses to avoid having to.

[Scaramouche]

I wouldn’t worry about 90 minutes away. But number 1 is a no from me! Too many red flags, repeated complete silence isn’t normal, even under those apparent circumstances.

[Pookie3101]

By the way, don’t worry about 2nd guy being an hour and a half away. My partner lives 2 hours away and he was chatting to and had met a few people who lived much closer than I do. We had a connection though that he didn’t have with any of the others and he is happy to travel to see me. The first 4 times I met him he did the journey there and back in a day. He now stays a few days over the weekend ( although as I said in an earlier post he has temporarily moved in over lockdown).
If someone likes you they and they say the distance isn’t a problem, then it isn’t and they will be happy to travel.

[shack69]

As guy number one is only 15mins away why not suggest you meet up in a local park for a socially distanced walk (this is currently allowed) this weekend. If he had an excuse for that I would then agree with your friends and i would ghost him.

[7SeasSailor]

Nothing stopping you meeting up with both of them. A chat and a drink is not a commitment or a betrayal of the other.

[Pink_Fairy_Dust]

Thanks for all the replies and support xx

I do have reservations about guy no1 now hiding something or other. For one his story about him and two other guys taking care of this girl they went to uni with who has no family or other friends does seem like something that generally happens in films to an extent. Plus he won't say what condition she had and has said doesn't want to talk about it at all. I mean I buy that he would be very depressed about all that happened but when I asked what she had wrong with her back before she died and he was looking after her, he said shedidn't want him to say anything. I can't think why you wouldn't just say I'm looking after my friend with cancer or who has broken her leg etc. Even if it was a sensitive issues e.g. suicide attempt or self harm its not like I know her or any of their friends anyway. Plus he said she was having an operation which wouldn't fit with a suicide attempt or self harm really...

I do agree its very easy to send short texts even when down or something serious going on. I'd have probs wanted comfort from him if roles were reversed and would have probs sent texts like feeling rubbish, in need of a hug etc. I guess not everyone reacts like that though and reaches out, I probs shouldn't judge the complete silence too much as some people do just shut down when bad stuff happens and thats what he said he did.

I guess maybe guy no1 thinks he was keeping in touch with the message initially apologising after the first two week silence telling me his friend had been ill and having an op, then a message after the second two week silence saying she was ill again and he was feeling down. And as I say, maybe you would just go to ground for 6 weeks if a friend died... I even feel slightly guilty now he says she died that I started chatting to someone else but after it hit the 5 week mark I hadn't heard from him, I thought how long do I uput my life on hold. I'd have felt daft if I waited until say January and he never had got in touch...

So torn by whether he is just sensitive and maybe prone to depression or if he is married say. Like others have posted I know all to well about guys being married once you google them (I have spoken to around 9 guys in just under two years who I managed to work out conclusively were married). Plus I've been stood up twice and on one of the occasions was told he couldn't tell me he couldn't get there as he got beaten up and was taken to hospital and had no charger... he grovelled all night until I spoke to him again. We chatted for three hours and then he blocked me mid conversation... lol!

All I will say is guy no1 really didn't seem dodgy at all when we were chatting back and forth first couple months and his messages were so long and detailed I tend to think he must have been interested and genuine as he invested time. Of course he could have just been bored, but he told me loads of details about his life and how long he had been single etc. His messages each time he has apologised for going silent have been really long and detailed too.

For now I am going to try to relax as you have all advised and chat to both whilst not feeling guilty ( well you know attempting to). To be honest guy no1 hasn't even read the reply I sent him last night so I may be worrying prematurely... if he was really sorry he hadn't been in touch and wanted to pick up again and was really feeling better, I'm thinking he would have read the message by now (I messaged around 4.30 yesterday).

I think I just wanted to assure myself I wasn't leading either on but I agree we are just chatting and aren't anything to each other. I know only too well you don't meet 90% of ppl chat to, even the ones who start off seeming great chatting.

How do I work it though if both do continue chatting to me and no1 goes back to being attentive, how he was at beginning, and no 2 continues to be as nice as he seems - like do I go on a date with the first one to set a date? I know I could go on a date with both but guy no2 and myself will have really make more of an effort if we do meet given the distance so I want to assure I have an open mind to him and am not wasting both our times. I am the world's MOST indecisive person EVER though and am sure if they both seem nice this next month I will find it hard to not want to genuinely meet both.

[marypoppins38]

Can you not do a bit of detective work on number 1? Do you know his full name, workplace, where he frequents, any gyms he goes to etc? Do you not have any friends that may know him, or know of him? I think if I were you I would be doing a bit of a scope out of his background (but then I am a bit of a nosy cow☺️)

[Pink_Fairy_Dust]

Originally Posted by marypoppins38

Can you not do a bit of detective work on number 1? Do you know his full name, workplace, where he frequents, any gyms he goes to etc? Do you not have any friends that may know him, or know of him? I think if I were you I would be doing a bit of a scope out of his background (but then I am a bit of a nosy cow☺️)

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I really can't find him... don't have his second name. I'm usually good at finding ppl without a second name, like if you have a job title and where they live, often you can work them out from linkedin or with one guy I knew he played rugby and looked a couple of rugby clubs in area to work out who he was and get his second name. Another had his second name on his snapchat ID (I don't use snapchat but its useful as a stalker as some ppl do actually use their full name as a handle). Sometimes the username they have on whatever dating site is a way to get a second name and look up on social media like fb as the username is the same as their twitter or insta handles.

He works in education and they aren't often on linkedin, I can't work out what School either as a lot of school websites just list staff as Mr Jones, Miss Smith etc and don't put a full name or even an initial. I have tried every search combo I know of but no clue what his second name is to find him on facebook and his first name, profession and area he lives yield nothing on fb or google etc

Managed to find the second guy on fb as I worked out second namefrom linked in as he does a job in Marketing where they all have linkedin in profiles and his job title is a bit unusual

I search for everyones online presence when first getting to know them

[Stitchesmumanddad]

No 1 is taking you for a fool and you are letting him. Once you’ve been bitten a few times in this whole online chatting lark ( note - not dating as they never turn up ) you’ll learn and harden your skin lol