Funerals and not wanting to go/ be involved?

[Tinkerbell 1]

Based on your other post I suspect you would instinctively know what sort of send off she would want and I’m sure you’re not letting her down.

I did the eulogy for the my mum in law but the vicar read, I kind of wish I’d tried now but I don’t think I could have got through it. I went down the humour route and it went down really well, so many people messaged me after to say it made them smile. It was two years ago but I still have the email on my phone and I read it sometimes, it makes me smile now. X

[Bartswife]

I lost my mum a week after my longed for eldest child was born and he was in hospital waiting for heart surgery to save his life. We were miles away in hospital with him and had to travel back for the funeral, which happened to be the day he came out of intensive care after his op. You can imagine I was elated he’d come through it and guilty because I couldn’t cry with everyone else at the funeral, my common sense told me my mum would have wanted me to be happy that my son had come through such a scary time and not be sad for her at what should be a happy time for me. I felt guilty for a long time and realise now guilt is extremely futile but you can’t help it. You aren’t letting your mum down, you can’t help how you feel, the early days are just numbing. At the end of the day I always think your loved ones wouldn’t want you to be suffering or guilt ridden. My condolences to your family at this sad time.

[Sandra & co]

Just to add none of us read out eulogy’s we couldn’t of coped with that. The minister read them out xxx

[Irishlass]

Sorry to hear of your loss, and you're struggling to come to terms with things at the moment.
Me personally think it's your duty and responsibility to carry out these duties, it's obviously something your mum wanted if she told your step-dad that.
I had a family member die very suddenly a few years ago, and as the youngest nieces myself and my cousin were left to organise everything as our mums were just in complete shock. We are a very religious family, so we had the added pressure of selecting the correct coffin, hymns, readings etc. Thankfully the coffin was actually easy as when we saw one that family member had a picture of the scene on their wall at home so we knew it meant something to them.
Our priest was brilliant, as they always are, and came down to the house and talked to us as a family and asked various questions and memories we had of him. On the day he had prepared the most beautiful eulogy for him that we hadn't even realised we had told him.

My advice would be to sit down with your husband and step father. Talk about her, talk about your memories from when you were a child, or funny moments you all had, I'm sure your husband would have some memories or stories to tell himself. Maybe get some old photos out and have a look through them? You might surprise yourself at how easily things will come back to you.
It doesn't have to be a long eulogy, it could be something as simple as what she was like as a person, how she may have always been there to help others etc.

You may think you have said your goodbyes, or you may think you have had closure, but in my opinion this is only the beginning of it, and you will need that service to help you also. Your step dad will need it, other family members and friends will need it too. You may not think it, but they will.

From what I can see regarding English ways of dealing with death/funerals and Irish ways, things are very different. For a start usually our funerals take place 2 days after the death. The funeral and burial is the most important thing and the last thing you will do for that loved one. So it's up to us to ensure it is perfect, and no matter how we feel, we have to put on a brave face and get the job done.

This post may come across harsh, and I apologise if it does offend you, as that is definitely not my intention at all, but me personally, if you were my friend or a family member I wold be saying to you to put your big girl pants on and get the next few hurdles over and done with, so you can then start to grieve properly. This is just another step in the grieving process, and may help you.

Or think of it this way, if it were your mum in your position, how would she deal with things? Things are still very raw for you at the moment, but try to think back on conversations you may have had with her, eg a day out shopping, or were you having a drink and the conversation came up.
Here in my family a few of the conversations tend to end up talking about death and funerals when they get too tipsy
Usually it's about what song they want played at their funeral, or if they've been at another funeral they don't want this type of flowers, or this hymn, or such and a such isn't allowed to come to the house as they hate them etc. We all do laugh about it, but in all honesty, I can guarantee you we all remember each cousins/sisters/brothers/nephews etc requests.
At the rate my cousin is going her wake after the funeral will be last a month the amount of songs she wants played

Good luck for the next few days/weeks ahead and I hope you ensure to take care of yourself and as hard as it is to do, try not to overthink things. No matter what you do, I'm sure it will be your best and you will surprise yourself.

[outofdate]

I am so sorry for your loss Amy, it is such a terrible time. My mum died a month ago and I empathise with how you are feeling. I felt/feel like I couldn’t string a sentence together, let alone plan a funeral. My dear SIL reminded me that my mum would have said, ‘I don’t mind, you choose and do what you think is best’. That brought me so much comfort and I think, as a mum, the last think I would want if for my children to be stressing about my funeral. You will not let your mum down, she knows you love her and she loves you. That is the most important thing and try and take comfort from that. On a practical level, you can make as many, or as few, decisions for the funeral as you want or feel able to. The funeral director and/or priest will be able to advise and recommend readings and music. Or there are lists on line of suggestions. I originally said I didn’t want to decide, but gradually I made more and more decisions. I know my mum loves musicals and ballets, so I choose some music from both of them. My dad died before my mum, so I choose some music from his funeral to also have for my mums. Sort of so he was there too. I knew a hymn she had at her wedding, so choose that and another beautiful, appropriate hymn that I love. It all came together step by step, just thought about one thing at a time. But no pressure, just as I felt ready.
In terms of speaking i was lucky as my brother did that. My son wanted to speak and my daughter read a poem she had chosen. We shared so many memories with my mum in the days before she died, so we all knew special times. But most importantly it is about love and saying how much you appreciate each other. We all do that in the way it is right for ourselves and you will do it in the way it is right for you and your mum. Good luck and be gentle on yourself. Your mum is proud of you x
PS I Intentionally use the present tense when talking about my mum Because I believe she is still with me. I know i can’t see her etc, but I believe she is still with me and I find imagining her here with me, encouraging and supporting me. It’s a comfort and feels right for me

[amy56]

Originally Posted by Irishlass

Sorry to hear of your loss, and you're struggling to come to terms with things at the moment.
Me personally think it's your duty and responsibility to carry out these duties, it's obviously something your mum wanted if she told your step-dad that.
I had a family member die very suddenly a few years ago, and as the youngest nieces myself and my cousin were left to organise everything as our mums were just in complete shock. We are a very religious family, so we had the added pressure of selecting the correct coffin, hymns, readings etc. Thankfully the coffin was actually easy as when we saw one that family member had a picture of the scene on their wall at home so we knew it meant something to them.
Our priest was brilliant, as they always are, and came down to the house and talked to us as a family and asked various questions and memories we had of him. On the day he had prepared the most beautiful eulogy for him that we hadn't even realised we had told him.

My advice would be to sit down with your husband and step father. Talk about her, talk about your memories from when you were a child, or funny moments you all had, I'm sure your husband would have some memories or stories to tell himself. Maybe get some old photos out and have a look through them? You might surprise yourself at how easily things will come back to you.
It doesn't have to be a long eulogy, it could be something as simple as what she was like as a person, how she may have always been there to help others etc.

You may think you have said your goodbyes, or you may think you have had closure, but in my opinion this is only the beginning of it, and you will need that service to help you also. Your step dad will need it, other family members and friends will need it too. You may not think it, but they will.

From what I can see regarding English ways of dealing with death/funerals and Irish ways, things are very different. For a start usually our funerals take place 2 days after the death. The funeral and burial is the most important thing and the last thing you will do for that loved one. So it's up to us to ensure it is perfect, and no matter how we feel, we have to put on a brave face and get the job done.

This post may come across harsh, and I apologise if it does offend you, as that is definitely not my intention at all, but me personally, if you were my friend or a family member I wold be saying to you to put your big girl pants on and get the next few hurdles over and done with, so you can then start to grieve properly. This is just another step in the grieving process, and may help you.

Or think of it this way, if it were your mum in your position, how would she deal with things? Things are still very raw for you at the moment, but try to think back on conversations you may have had with her, eg a day out shopping, or were you having a drink and the conversation came up.
Here in my family a few of the conversations tend to end up talking about death and funerals when they get too tipsy
Usually it's about what song they want played at their funeral, or if they've been at another funeral they don't want this type of flowers, or this hymn, or such and a such isn't allowed to come to the house as they hate them etc. We all do laugh about it, but in all honesty, I can guarantee you we all remember each cousins/sisters/brothers/nephews etc requests.
At the rate my cousin is going her wake after the funeral will be last a month the amount of songs she wants played

Good luck for the next few days/weeks ahead and I hope you ensure to take care of yourself and as hard as it is to do, try not to overthink things. No matter what you do, I'm sure it will be your best and you will surprise yourself.

See more...

Thank you so much - I didn’t find it harsh at all, just some things I think I needed to hear. I’m praying that the memories that I need to voice come to me without having to sit here dwelling on them to much - I’m truly hoping the Vicar will coax them out of me when I meet with her on Tuesday, without me really knowing it, as others have said throughout this thread - that will be a real blessing.

Thank you again - big girl pants at the ready! Xx

[amy56]

Originally Posted by outofdate

I am so sorry for your loss Amy, it is such a terrible time. My mum died a month ago and I empathise with how you are feeling. I felt/feel like I couldn’t string a sentence together, let alone plan a funeral. My dear SIL reminded me that my mum would have said, ‘I don’t mind, you choose and do what you think is best’. That brought me so much comfort and I think, as a mum, the last think I would want if for my children to be stressing about my funeral. You will not let your mum down, she knows you love her and she loves you. That is the most important thing and try and take comfort from that. On a practical level, you can make as many, or as few, decisions for the funeral as you want or feel able to. The funeral director and/or priest will be able to advise and recommend readings and music. Or there are lists on line of suggestions. I originally said I didn’t want to decide, but gradually I made more and more decisions. I know my mum loves musicals and ballets, so I choose some music from both of them. My dad died before my mum, so I choose some music from his funeral to also have for my mums. Sort of so he was there too. I knew a hymn she had at her wedding, so choose that and another beautiful, appropriate hymn that I love. It all came together step by step, just thought about one thing at a time. But no pressure, just as I felt ready.
In terms of speaking i was lucky as my brother did that. My son wanted to speak and my daughter read a poem she had chosen. We shared so many memories with my mum in the days before she died, so we all knew special times. But most importantly it is about love and saying how much you appreciate each other. We all do that in the way it is right for ourselves and you will do it in the way it is right for you and your mum. Good luck and be gentle on yourself. Your mum is proud of you x
PS I Intentionally use the present tense when talking about my mum Because I believe she is still with me. I know i can’t see her etc, but I believe she is still with me and I find imagining her here with me, encouraging and supporting me. It’s a comfort and feels right for me

See more...

I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss too xx

I’ve had a little help from my mum I believe with the funeral arrangements - the only thing my stepdad knew about the funeral was that mum wanted to use the same funeral directors as had done her own parents funerals, and when I spoke to them yesterday I asked if they would still have records from when my Nan passed away 18 years ago and they did! They were able to tell me the hymns my Nan had, so I’ve opted for one of those as that felt like it would be something mum would of wanted.

I do hope that things have got a little bit easier for you in the last month. Much love to you xx

[duchy]

Funerals are for the living left behind .
You yes but also other family and friends .
Simple and respectful is fine , just follow your instincts.
Personally I don’t want a funeral for myself, just cremation and my loved ones can have a private scattering later but I know my husband isn’t comfortable with the idea so I have to consider how he’d feel if I went first (back to “funerals are for the living” again)
I’ve buried both my parents and in both cases we honoured what we felt they would like , so just follow your gut. You knew your Mum best to know what she’d want even if you never directly discussed it .

[taffs travels]

The first funeral I attended was my lovely Dads He died suddenly and Mum was traumatised as she watched the paramedics try to save him. I wasn't there so felt the only thing I could do was sort out the funeral. I knew I wouldn't be able to say anything on the day but the vicar who did the service was wonderful ( he never met Dad but used the stories we told him to create a timeline story of his life. I asked family and his friends for help with the contents.
Mom was adamant she wanted a get together after as Dad had 5 sisters and had a lot of friends. Organising a venue on the 18th Dec was the hardest part then family and friends organised sandwiches , a coffee urn etc and it went really well
The comments we had later were all about how thankful that friends and family could do something to feel needed and feel they had " done their part", so don't be afraid to ask for help.
Also it is what you did for her in life that really matters x take care

[tigger48]

OP I’m sorry for your loss. In these difficult Covid times so much is not “normal” anyway. When my grandma passed in August this year all the norms seemed to have been taken away. She was cremated, but no hymns or singing were allowed, no mixed households in the car, no hugs or comfort, its rubbish. Even her flowers were only allowed to stay at the crematorium until that evening, before they were destroyed (Covid was the reason given). We used an amazing celebrant who was recommended to the family by the excellent funeral directors Grandma had wanted us to use. I’m not sure if this is an option for you? No wake being allowed seemed so alien.
We had packets made up with a photograph of her on them and “remember me” asking people to have a cup of tea and remember her - she loved a cuppa.
Despite all these strange/cruel restrictions the love we all felt and shared for her remained, and shone through the service. I also believe that she’s still with us in spirit and knows what she meant to us all. I guess what I’m trying to say is you can only do your best, and I’m sure that your mum knows your heart. Take care.