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Old 8 Jan 20, 10:39 PM  
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Grandson of Anarchy Days 10 & 11 Raining and Wild Florida

Day 10 Tuesday

I was first up that morning I managed to breathe all day and that was about it for the day’s productivity.

The family next door must have been still sleeping which is odd for a first day.

I looked out across the pool the apocalypse had arrived

It rained and rained and rained.

I stood out on the patio I couldn’t resist it. I pointed up to the sky and shouted, “See you, yer ruined ma holy days”.

I didn’t know or care if next door had heard me.

We couldn’t stay in all day, so we headed to the factory outlets.

There was no Oasis today I sensed even Johnnie was down hearted.

Johnnie needed new trainers he’s already grown out of the ones that were bought for the holiday two months ago.

We called to the Adidas store and it took an age to get somebody to measure his feet they were very busy because everybody must have had the same idea to avoid the rain.

I also suggested to Christine that he tried the trainers with socks on.

I asked the assistant if they had a sock.

Not really “rrsed” with us he replied that socks were dotted about the area. I found a few pairs of pop Sox that looked like ladies stockings and I knew Johnnie wouldn’t put them on.

I found a fetching pair of Captain America socks and Johnnie tried on the trainers. There he was prancing around admiring his new trainers in the mirror and even more, so he wanted to keep the socks.

Next thing I heard this woman kicking off because somebody had stolen her kids socks, he had only taken them off to try on sandals.

We had to take Johnnie into the men’s area and remove the Captain Americas.

He was proper carrying on he wanted to keep those socks.

It was like a rugby scrum Christine stuffed his mouth with Haribo’s,

Knotty held him down and Al retrieved the socks. I was waiting on the wing and he managed to pass them on to me.

I then placed the socks on a “try on stool” in the next aisle to where I had found them. (Touch down)

We paid for the trainers and made a quick exit.

Food was the next order of the day, so we called to the food hall.

We all wanted different things.

The blokes had burghers and Jonnie had a child’s burger meal. Poor Johnnie's would have fit on a hand.

A clock-hand.

Christine and I chose a chicken stir fry but I couldn’t eat it because they had marinated the chicken in a bag of Tate & Lyle and the sauce was made up of diluted Hartley’s apricot jam with a hint of chilli.

I surmised that the enthusiastic cook had concocted it whilst on an Alka Seltzer bender.

The place was packed and the tables were in lines, I had to try and eat whilst sitting next to a bloke whose body odour would have killed a canary.

I don’t know what happened after that but we somehow we all lost one another.

Al had Johnnie and was supposed to be in the kids area they weren’t there.

It turned out they had lost two dollars in an M and M Machine and after much enquiring and form filling there was no way he was getting it back.

We only bought a couple of golf shirts I prefer to go on the last day and panic buy going mid-holiday is a mistake I tend to think I might see something I like better.

We made our way back to the Walmart and bought souvenirs for Johnnie’s friends plus some mince to make a bolognaise.

Johnnie didn’t eat his tea I think it was because I told him I had put the love bug scrapings from the car into the bolognaise.

How was I supposed to know he’d believe me?

The air con didn’t seem to be working the house was getting hotter.

We could hear it come on for about ten minutes then go off.

The temperature dials were set at 72 and we didn’t touch them. The temperature had gone up to 85.

We have always been in enough villas to know not to tamper with the dials and keep the outside doors shut. We were extra vigilant with the doors because we didn’t want the fornicators getting in the house.

Anyway, I had plenty of time on my hands, so I decided to do a bit of digging and find out who owned the villa and e mail them about the plastic pipe securing the door.

I had been a bit tardy with my complaint regarding the door.

Eat yer heart out Miss Marple I found him he lived in Haines City.

I emailed him and told him that I had reported the door six times and if my four-year-old got out and anything happened he would be selling his kidneys.

Wednesday Wild Florida

We were up and off this morning in fact poor Johnnie only had time for a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Once again, we had an excellent breakfast this time at the Bob Evans on the US27 intersection, then we set off for Wild Florida.

It took about an hour to get there so we had repeat renditions of Wonderwall.

The entrance fee was about $28.00 plus 22 for Johnnie this got us a tour of the zoo plus a half hour air boat ride.

The zoo and the animals are all very well kept but it was extremely hot, and the love bugs were everywhere so it all felt very uncomfortable.

Had it not been for the heat and flies we would have given the little zoo the consideration it deserved.

We were happy to wait inside for the 12.30 airboat tour.

Once our names were called, we had to march across the open bridges to the airboat. It was horrific we were literally ramming through swarms of those flaming flies.

Our Captain was Ron nice enough bloke he gave us an elf and safety lecture.

He then went on to tell us how he had special sunglasses on that enabled him to see at least six feet under the water.

Everybody was there nodding like bloody Churchill dogs agreeing with him.

Not me I thought he was talking Trolox.

Maybe he had anti-glare but that doesn’t enable one to see 6 feet under murky water.

He then gave us the talk about the fornicating flies and how they were vital to the eco system.

The airboat once it set off was a welcome break from the love bugs because they didn’t land on you whilst it was moving. I could have sat there all day so long as the boat kept moving. Trouble was he kept stopping to talk about the flora and fauna.

I was wafting the bugs off me and then Ron glared at me and demanded to know if I was killing his bugs.

I told him yes, I was killing his bugs, because I considered owt that tried to get into my knickers uninvited was fair game.

We didn’t see any alligators.

There was a bit of white pipe installed in the water. Ron stopped the boat about 6 yds away and told us to focus on the white pole as there was a gator there. Not owning a pair of super vision specs, I couldn’t see anything.

It popped up and quickly went down I reckon it was plastic.

Homegrown alligator.

There was no way we could have eaten at Wild Florida I have eaten there before, and it was ok but there were too many fornicators.

We decided to try and find a non-franchised place on the way back.

Bert’s deep-fried fish and gizzards…………………. Pass

On the South Orange Blossom trail, we spotted Woodsby’s Countryside Café.

It was excellent home cooking and lovely staff.

The whole menu is available all day and it was obviously a busy local place.

Once again to occupy Johnnie we started on the love list somehow, I had been demoted down to number six I think it was due to yesterday’s bug bolognaise. My Al and Christine are still not on it.

The rendition on the way back was Cigarettes and Alcohol wow from a four-year-old.

I asked him if he was going to have those when he was old enough.
His answer was yes, I am going to have the beer, but I am never, ever going to do that “cigging”.

Are all four-year olds this clued up?

We arrived home and there were several post-it notes from Ian the owner on the countertop.

Note number one was an apology that the air con had broken but it was now fixed.

Number 2 was an apology that the door was now fixed and there was an alarm on it.

The alarm was something that one could buy at the Dollar Tree. It was fixed with a bit of double-sided sticky tape and it promptly fell off the moment we opened the door.

Note number 3 was a right bollocking for taking the pool fence down and leaving pool toys in the pool.

So, I sent him one back and explained we had removed the fence to put the furniture under the lanai during the storm. (slight untruth).

The pool toys must have blown in the pool (slight untruth).

Also, since we were on a moan fest, I sent him a picture of his measly cutlery drawer and a picture of the receipt for cutlery from Dollar Tree.

And since I was in full flow and had consumed 2 lager tops, I mentioned that Scooby Doo the stuffed dog in bedroom three appeared to have mange.
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Old 8 Jan 20, 11:55 PM  
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That has so made me titter - you have a way with words!

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Old 9 Jan 20, 01:40 AM  
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This really made me laugh - especially the captain America socks and Ian's post - it notes
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Old 10 Jan 20, 04:42 PM  
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Had a real good laugh about the socks. Loving your reports, you should be a comedian.
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Old 29 Sep 21, 10:56 PM  
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The socks! Best thing!
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