How to help elderly relative

[vampiress88]

My gran is 89 this year and we think she is struggling.

She is currently in hospital doesn’t know what it is but could be related to vertigo.

After having a conversation with her tonight it seems that she is struggling and she is getting herself stressed and worked up and it’s having an impact and I’m not too sure how to help.

She lives on her own on a farm but there is someone who lives just below her and they have been brilliant in looking after her. They always cook her a meal every night and fetch it to her etc.
My uncle who is a few hours away tried to help and another aunt and uncle who do the food shopping for her and some odd jobs.
Anyway my uncle thinks she needs a cater in every night.
My gran doesn’t like this idea. One she doesn’t want to pay for it. Two she doesn’t like random people in the house. Three she feels like she doesn’t need the help.
My husband agrees with my uncle whereas I feel she needs to hold on to her independence as that’s what she wants.

For example she was really ill a year ago and had to have carers yet she would clean the house before they got there when they were coming to clean etc.

She’s also stressing herself over silly things like there are four ladies 89-95 years and they all go to each other’s house for cake on Saturday. When it’s her turn she is worrying about how to serve the tea. Is it too milky etc.

I know I need to help her more. I’m not exactly how as I have the kids and a job but I’ve been helping her clean the flat to rent etc.

What do I do? How do I help her get the help she needs without making her feel like we are upsetting her.

[ClaireNJ]

Sorry to hear this ❤️
Don’t think she’d have to pay as you can claim Attendance Allowance about £80 a week so this would be one problem sorted
I’d just say to your Gran that everyone when they get to their 80’s needs a bit of help now & again 🤞

[Gryff]

Daft I know but my mother wouldn’t accept a carer but was happy with a paid companion for all intents a carer by an other name
Sometimes you just need to skirt round the sides and don’t talk about the elephant in the room Very hard but parents grandparents don’t want to feel they need looked after it’s just taking another important role from them and feels like they have become redundant well that’s how my mother put it but with a companion she felt in control because it was to help her help us by not worrying about her she had all her ducks on a row as she put it

[mitch84]

Originally Posted by ClaireNJ

Sorry to hear this ❤️
Don’t think she’d have to pay as you can claim Attendance Allowance about £80 a week so this would be one problem sorted
I’d just say to your Gran that everyone when they get to their 80’s needs a bit of help now & again 🤞

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Unfortunately I can’t see you getting a carer in every night for £80 a week

[munmun]

Can you and your relatives talk together and create a team to help your Gran. Maybe you can each choose a day a week to visit so you spread the load.

Could/would the neighbour downstairs check Gran every evening.

Get her a neck alarm so she can call someone if she feels unwell or falls

Do the local village or church have a volunteer scheme that would visit, provide help or is their a local group that would support her.

My mum lived alone after my Dad died and would never have wanted help she was independent, loved crafting, still drove occasionally. The downside is she did die alone in her own home and I found her, she was 'well' but her heart just stopped. I still feel distressed by that but also know it was what she wanted.

Sometimes we have to allow people to make their own choices.

[myaquarium]

We have had this for a few years now. Both an aunt and father in law.
We arranged carers for the bedtimes and lunch and this can be arranged by contacting your local council. This has a small charge but depends on savings.
Medical needs are met by the local district nurses. You can also ask for a social worker who will help sort out any issues with equipment such as hoists or bathroom aids if needed. Help the aged may also be able to help. If she was in the armed services contact the British legion.
My suggestion to you is to take the initiative and arrange these things. Get all your family on board use all the help and grants available. Your gran will adapt and it’s a life changer for the better for her and you.
We also visited both every day taking it in turns between family members. Even during Covid we felt the benefit was to keep visiting them rather than have them feeling isolated and worrying about why no one was visiting.
Unfortunately the only other option might be a care home and all the implications of that.
Good luck.

[disney332]

The people you need to contact are...Adult Social Care

They are diamonds and have seen it all before, so have ready solutions for you.

They are in control of my 93 yr old Mum (in the nicest possible way) and its taken a weight off my shoulders.

Contact direct, via GP or 111

Disney332

[JLH]

I am presently going through this with my mum who is in hospital , my mum doesnt particularly want carers (she does have my step dad at home)but she does know it will be better for her in the long run. Sometimes people need a little extra help and there is no shame in that. As others have said a social worker will help and discuss things and they may think she is ok without one but maybe getting some professional advice will help. Carers arent cheap unfortunately - for the time being when my mum eventually comes home will need two carers a day four times a day(half hour sessions) and the social worker mentioned it would cost around £90 a day for that . Mum has savings of over £23000 so is not entitled to any help but does get disability allowance which will go towards the cost.

[ClaireNJ]

Originally Posted by mitch84

Unfortunately I can’t see you getting a carer in every night for £80 a week

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I know but it’ll help 😀

[storm]

ageuk.uk They are a useful resource & have a scheme called homeshare if she's looking for some live in company/care.