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Old 27 Sep 20, 09:00 AM  
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#11
MK_club1987
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Originally Posted by PoohBears#1fan View Post
She doesn't have to leave the family home, the agreement has been that she's the full time parent.

In your situation I'd move out, then she can move forward with finding out what help she can get towards paying for the home and how much maintenance you'll need to pay.

When my ex husband and I split up, I didn't feel that I'd ever be able to run the house by myself, but with putting it on interest only mortgage for a couple of years and increasing my income, I did. Women are very resourceful
Thank you, I have tried to say I'll move out but she just keeps saying that she can't afford this place by herself and I'm being selfish by leaving.

So do you think it's best just for me to say "look, I'm going"? This whole situation is new to me, and everything is hard to deal with as it is without these issues.
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Old 27 Sep 20, 09:06 AM  
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Originally Posted by MK_club1987 View Post
Thank you, I have tried to say I'll move out but she just keeps saying that she can't afford this place by herself and I'm being selfish by leaving.

So do you think it's best just for me to say "look, I'm going"? This whole situation is new to me, and everything is hard to deal with as it is without these issues.
I would. I remember being a very scared corporate wife who hadn't worked (for anything other than pin money) since having my kids.

It won't be easy and she won't take it well, but if this is it for your marriage, she sadly does need the shock to enable her to move forward.

I was terrified at first, I put my house on the market and started shopping around for smaller properties in not as nice areas, then woke up one day and started fighting for my family, I spoke to the mortgage company, increased my hours and between my ex and I we reached an amicable agreement that meant we could both move forward, financially and eventually emotionally.

Looking back to how scared I was in the first place, had he not just 'gone' and it was left to conversations, I can't imagine that I'd ever have agreed to him moving out as I just couldn't see a way forward, I should imagine that's how she's feeling now. It's not doing either of you any favours living like this.

Good luck, it's not a nice situation at all but it really does get better, I promise.
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Old 27 Sep 20, 09:07 AM  
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Originally Posted by MK_club1987 View Post
Thank you, I have tried to say I'll move out but she just keeps saying that she can't afford this place by herself and I'm being selfish by leaving.

So do you think it's best just for me to say "look, I'm going"? This whole situation is new to me, and everything is hard to deal with as it is without these issues.

I don’t have any experience in this area so feel free to ignore my advice but I don’t think you are selfish by leaving. You can’t sleep on a sofa forever and your child is going to pick up on any tension that is in the home which is not good for them. I think by leaving, it will mean that she has to take action. I’d have a look at what help your wife is entitled to. Lay it all out for her to see and give her a time frame as to when you are planning to leave by.
Good luck. Hope it turns out ok for everyone.
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Old 27 Sep 20, 09:12 AM  
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Who is going to take care of your child? That person needs a roof over their head part paid for by both parents.

I would be starting conversation based on where your child is going to live, where and by whom childcare will be taking place etc. It may help to straighten out thoughts on both sides.

"Look, I'm going" makes it about you. Where is your child in that sentence? Are you taking them with you? Are you expecting to walk out the door and leave her to sort out the daily drudge? Are you going to make shared arrangements?
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Old 27 Sep 20, 09:15 AM  
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MK_club1987
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Originally Posted by WhereIBelong View Post
Who is going to take care of your child? That person needs a roof over their head part paid for by both parents.

I would be starting conversation based on where your child is going to live, where and by whom childcare will be taking place etc. It may help to straighten out thoughts on both sides.

"Look, I'm going" makes it about you. Where is your child in that sentence? Are you taking them with you? Are you expecting to walk out the door and leave her to sort out the daily drudge? Are you going to make shared arrangements?
I mean I didnt literally mean it like that, of course DS comes first and will be looked after, I can provide a roof over his head, and have help available to cover school runs whilst I work, but I would never want to take DS away from his mum full time


I just feel she's making it difficult when ultimately she broke our marriage, but I don't want to get into that part of it in the thread tbh.

I just needed advice on how to move forward because the situation currently can't go on for all involved.
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Old 27 Sep 20, 09:19 AM  
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If you are sure the marriage is 100% over then you need to leave. Her actions do make me think she is not sure - otherwise surely she would be pushing you out of the door? If there is a chance then try relate/mediation?

If it is over I would tell her you are looking at places, then when you find somewhere if you could offer to pay 2 months rent to give her a chance to get a job and get paid, or apply for financial support from the government.
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Old 27 Sep 20, 09:20 AM  
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Obviously I can only see your side of things, but from your previous thread about her not staying in for your parcel and then this one, it does sound like she is being rather difficult. She needs to grow up really and take responsibility for the sake of your son. The end of a long term relationship can never be nice and I do really feel for you, I can imagine it’s not easy with everything else that’s going on too.
Hopefully if you can get her to sit down with you and come up with some sort of plan or if she won’t, get some sort of plan sorted yourself and explain it all to her and see how that goes. You can’t stay on the sofa indefinitely and as you say, you need something sorting for your son. I do hope it works out for you.
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Old 27 Sep 20, 09:22 AM  
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Originally Posted by MK_club1987 View Post
Thank you, I have tried to say I'll move out but she just keeps saying that she can't afford this place by herself and I'm being selfish by leaving.

So do you think it's best just for me to say "look, I'm going"? This whole situation is new to me, and everything is hard to deal with as it is without these issues.
I think this is what you’re going to have to do but give her a bit of notice so she can look into any benefits she’s entitled to.
You can’t go on living like this as it could end up having a negative impact on your son.

My husband’s brother just got up from the table after breakfast one morning and told his wife he was leaving her there and then.
He’d got a flat for himself and said he’d been having an affair for 6 months, she had no idea didn’t know how she would cope but she did.
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Old 27 Sep 20, 09:26 AM  
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If you won't both talk it out and try to find an agreement I would probably get a solicitor involved. I would have thought if you moved out a rented house and she didn't pay rent you would still be liable to pay. You need to get custody and access to your child agreed also. Maintenance needs to be agreed so if you can't talk and agree together you need independent advice to help look after the interests of both of you and your child.
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Old 27 Sep 20, 09:36 AM  
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Thank you all for your help.
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