So I told my girlfriend

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 999.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says,

“OK, now what?”

[Brewers]

I went to a pet shop to buy a goldfish, the assistant asked me if I'd like an aquarium, I told her I wasn't bothered what star sign it was.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Mrs Morrow is constantly complaining about being sexually harassed at work

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it.

[colin39]

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?
The priest, thinking he had a chance to teach a lesson ,replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellowman, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[cartoonp]

Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away and lock him up.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”

[cartoonp]

Last Request The Jail Warden asks the death row inmate what he would like as his last meal. Inmate replies 'strawberries'. Warden says 'but strawberries are out of season' for 6 months. Inmate replies, 'I'll wait'!

[cartoonp]

There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.

They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell it anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that I am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Then the brunette goes in. "I think that I am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... Nothing happens... She is glad.

She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears.

[cartoonp]

If you understand why pizza is made round

And you understand why it is packed in a square box

And you understand why it is eaten in a triangle

Then my friend you understand women

[Mr Tom Morrow]

I was out walking yesterday and spotted a sign outside a house that said “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, I walked in.

“So what have you done with your life?” I asked the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served the Army in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

I was flabbergasted so I asked the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner said, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

[cartoonp]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON! " St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer? "