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Old 2 Jun 17, 05:15 PM  
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Pippy
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Advice needed over nieces wedding - Update post 88

I will try to keep this short and sweet

I moved away from home when I was young and I now live on the opposite side of the country. I am very close to all of my family apart from my older sister who ruined my childhood with bullying. We tolerate each other and only see each other at family occasions. For this reason although I love my nieces very much, I haven't seen a lot of them over the years and because of the distance. However I have always sent them birthday and Christmas presents and still do and they are now in their mid 20s. I don't receive Christmas cards from either of them or ever hear from them but there is no bad feeling as it's just down to circumstance and when I do see them a couple of times a year, it's all very happy and civil.

So a couple of weeks ago I booked our Florida holiday for next July and yesterday I received a save the date card from one of my nieces for August 2018 for Tuscany in Italy. Now if a wedding was in this country I would of course attend, however I cannot justify paying out for an Italy holiday for myself, my husband and our two teenage children in August next year. In our family if you do anything that upsets anyone it causes such arguments, it's awful and I've had issues previously, relating to my older sister. I've just been speaking to my younger sister and she said that she needs to prewarn me that the conversation is going to get brought up tomorrow when my parents come across to visit us. I don't want to be selfish and I would love to be at her wedding but I have the Florida holiday booked, I genuinely don't know where I'm going to get the money from. My husband and I both work full time but we are not on particularly good wages and every penny goes on our Florida trips. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to cause any family arguments over this.

Any advice is very welcome.
Thanks
x

Edited at 04:12 PM. Reason: Update
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Old 2 Jun 17, 05:20 PM  
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Smilesonfaces
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I honestly don't know what people are thinking when it comes to weddings these days. Even if I were incredibly close to my sister I wouldn't be paying for a holiday because they choose to have a holiday abroad. I wouldn't let the family make me feel guilty I would give them a gift and wish them all the best.
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Old 2 Jun 17, 05:27 PM  
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2waterford
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TBH, I think anyone who books their wedding abroad have to expect refusals, if my dd was getting married abroad I would not be offended if any of my siblings didn't make it for whatever reason
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Old 2 Jun 17, 05:29 PM  
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Gryff
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Do what I did reply
Dear
Thankyou for your beautiful save the day card
We would have love to spend the day with you both but unfortunately have already booked
and paid for our holiday next ... and I'm sure you will understand that annual,leave and
Other commitments would allow us to join you both on your special,day
We will certainly be thinking of you and be raising a glass to toast you both on your
Very special day and can't wait to see it all,on whatever social,media they use
Again thank you so much for thinking of us

However you'd finish it and tell everybody you haven already sent it end of discussion
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Old 2 Jun 17, 05:35 PM  
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MickeyMouse64
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You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. You sound like an extremely nice, thoughtful person who cares very much about her family. Your first priority is your own family and you can't fix this other situation. Prepare for others to be annoyed, but honestly that is THEIR problem, not yours. Even if you did go, they might find something else to fall out over! I do feel for your dilemma.
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Old 2 Jun 17, 05:40 PM  
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Bluefish
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Originally Posted by Gryff View Post
Do what I did reply
Dear
Thankyou for your beautiful save the day card
We would have love to spend the day with you both but unfortunately have already booked
and paid for our holiday next ... and I'm sure you will understand that annual,leave and
Other commitments would allow us to join you both on your special,day
We will certainly be thinking of you and be raising a glass to toast you both on your
Very special day and can't wait to see it all,on whatever social,media they use
Again thank you so much for thinking of us

However you'd finish it and tell everybody you haven already sent it end of discussion
I would echo the above good response.

To attend a wedding is a choice not compulsory no matter who they are to you . (obviously excluding the bride or groom )
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Old 2 Jun 17, 05:42 PM  
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Loulou127
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I'd just explain you've already booked your holiday for next year so unfortunately you won't be able to make it
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Old 2 Jun 17, 05:42 PM  
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Leggibone
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If it were your sibling they'd have a right to make you feel bad, but your niece/cousins etc. I think the reply above is a suitable yet civil way to reply, just ensure to send them a nice congratulations card for the big day when it comes round (and of course the usual social media congrats too)
I'm sure your niece won't have any hard feelings, and will understand you just don't have the annual leave or money to spend probably the best part of at least £1000 to go to the wedding. You could maybe offer to go visit them close to the day for a nice meal/drinks?
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Old 2 Jun 17, 05:47 PM  
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jemima2
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Tuscany?! Beautiful but my goodness, imagine the cost for your whole family to attend the wedding? I agree with others that it is entirely acceptable to decline 😀
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Old 2 Jun 17, 05:51 PM  
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Bianca
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Why have weddings become such a list of demands in many cases, rather than a simple celebration? It's one thing to want to marry abroad, another to expect anyone else to pay (financially and in terms of holiday allowance) to attend.

Originally Posted by Leggibone View Post
If it were your sibling they'd have a right to make you feel bad
There's an argument for saying that siblings be more understanding, not less! They certainly don't have a right to make you feel bad.

Pippy, I'd say be straightforward about it and don't join their level of emotion.
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