So I told my girlfriend

[Mr Tom Morrow]

My wife and I just had a blazing argument over the phone.
She's accusing me of being a money waster and now she's genuinely worried that the kids will miss out this Christmas.
It's put a real dampener on my trip to Las Vegas.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed so I told her I had a headache.

[cartoonp]

The cowboy
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

[cartoonp]

And just for good measure here another

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,
where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces."

"Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill.

"No, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks.

Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."

[cartoonp]

Darth Vader and Luke.
Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth Vader pulls Luke to him, and whispers “I know what you’re getting for Christmas!”
Luke exclaims “But how? !?”
“It’s true Luke, *breath* I know what you’re getting for Christmas.”
Luke tries to ignore this, but tears himself free, screaming “How could you know this?!”
Vader replies, “I felt your presents.”

[cartoonp]

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

[Nimbus]

What do you call an average potato that talks a lot?

A common-tater.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

[cartoonp]

A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.”

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”

[cartoonp]

So I went to a courtroom for a trial
Judge: State your name

Me: Not Guilty

Judge: What?

Me: I had it legally changed.

Judge: You're Not Guilty?

Me: Thanks judge that was quick