Family advice

[amy56]

Originally Posted by JessBlu

Just another perspective on daughters and in laws.

I think we assume that our husbands do the same for their mums as we do, little texts, morning calls, pics of the kids, calling in for coffee etc, well mine doesn’t and it took me a long time to realise that, it’s not from a lack of wanting to but they just don’t think the same.

So I think that explains why the gaps emerge, as the mother in law does not get the contact from the son that we give to our mums.

In the example above about parents evening, have you reached out to your mum in law and invited her ?

I would of course mention it to my mum, it’s parents evening next week, just in passing, then she will say oh can I come- of course , but that exchange just would not happen with the mum in law.

We love them equally, but it is a different relationship.

You have your daughter for life but your son only until he meets his wife ...

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No you are definitely right - my focus was always on my mum and I (incorrectly as it turns out!) assumed that my DH was having the same chats as I was with my mum.

It’s a different dynamic - my mum would just invite us around for lunch or ask to come to us to see the boys. My husbands mum doesn’t do that - and now looking back I suspect she was waiting for us to ask to visit her, or for an invitation to come up to visit us. Perhaps as a mother in law, she was trying not to interfere, and I’ve incorrectly assumed she wasn’t interested in seeing us.

I’m an only child so I don’t think I understood, as I’d never had to share my parents affection with a sibling.

Thankfully our relationship with DMIL is still intact, and whilst my boys don’t feel the same about her as they did my mum, they do love her and I’m pleased the relationship is there.

I just need to remember when my boys get married to be interested, be available and invite them round so they know we care - even if they do ‘forget’ to call us! ❤️

[Guest]

I have an only child, a son, and though we have always been close, I definitely think girls make more effort with their mums. We see them four days a week as we babysit/ take and pick up our grandaughter to nursery, and hopefully will be doing this as long as required.

Our son is often out of the house twelve hours a day so we might see him once a week if we are lucky, but see our DIL more. Luckily she is lovely and we all get on really well.

What helps is, we have set up a WhatsApp group with them, us and her mum ( who is also lovely) so we tend to text and share pics/ videos of the little one every day so everyone is in the loop with what’s going on.

I find it keeps the whole family close and there is no bad feeling.

[Blue nose]

I think everyone is right about the DIL/MIL thing.

I work hard to be a really good DIL, invited MIL to look at my wedding dress (she has sons and no daughters), asked.opinion on christenings, weekly phone calls, text messages (as I know DH doesn't). I sent flower during Covid but DH didn't get why!

I think we have a fabulous relationship but she still knocks at our door rather than coming in (we have open door, as does she), she expects to be 'waited.on' on my home but for me to make a brew at hers, she'll ask 'permission' when it comes to the kids.

She dropped presents at the door on Sunday as she didn't want to disturb us 🙄

I value them and want them in our lives and in particular in my kids life. If I can make things easier and encourage it I feel it's worth it.

My mum is just there. All the the time, any time. It's just a different relationship.

[Pumpkin Pie]

Originally Posted by Blue nose

I think everyone is right about the DIL/MIL thing.

I work hard to be a really good DIL, invited MIL to look at my wedding dress (she has sons and no daughters), asked.opinion on christenings, weekly phone calls, text messages (as I know DH doesn't). I sent flower during Covid but DH didn't get why!

I think we have a fabulous relationship but she still knocks at our door rather than coming in (we have open door, as does she), she expects to be 'waited.on' on my home but for me to make a brew at hers, she'll ask 'permission' when it comes to the kids.

She dropped presents at the door on Sunday as she didn't want to disturb us 🙄

I value them and want them in our lives and in particular in my kids life. If I can make things easier and encourage it I feel it's worth it.

My mum is just there. All the the time, any time. It's just a different relationship.

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I would never walk into either of my sons homes without knocking and one of them lives on his own! It’s a line I won’t cross. Even when the door is open I ring the bell and shout hello to warn them.

We see our family all the time and look after their children and pets throughout the week but I still would not just walk in. If it was really early on a Sunday morning I wouldn’t disturb them either. Am I your MIL.

[levtweeney]

I don’t know the ins and outs of your life but I had a very similar thing. What it came down to was my wife was a little intimidated by my mum. And she did not know how to have a relationship with her. This led to arguments and fall outs and ended up with me not speaking to my mum for a few years. This was the single biggest mistake I have ever made.

It ended one day when I broke down and told my wife , sorry but I need to have that relationship with my family. Now my wife and mum get on fantastically well. My wife realised it was her that was the cause of the fall outs. This only came with age and experience and of course seeing how unhappy I was. I am not suggesting this is the case with you.

Your child not wanting a relationship with her grand parents is mirroring the behaviours she sees from you and your husband, this is a normal thing to do so don’t look too much in to her requests.

I can only give this advice, do not close all doors behind you. Leave the opportunity for future relationships. Your husband will be torn apart inside and I mean torn apart. Do not think for one second he is OK with this. Could you not help more by encouraging everyone to have that relationship.

I also don’t like the way you call his sisters to be honest, my wife said very similar things about my family and it really is not healthy for your husband to hear those things. He may say similar things but I doubt he will be feeling them.

[levtweeney]

Originally Posted by Nanna Frozen

I have an only child, a son, and though we have always been close, I definitely think girls make more effort with their mums. We see them four days a week as we babysit/ take and pick up our grandaughter to nursery, and hopefully will be doing this as long as required.

Our son is often out of the house twelve hours a day so we might see him once a week if we are lucky, but see our DIL more. Luckily she is lovely and we all get on really well.

What helps is, we have set up a WhatsApp group with them, us and her mum ( who is also lovely) so we tend to text and share pics/ videos of the little one every day so everyone is in the loop with what’s going on.

I find it keeps the whole family close and there is no bad feeling.

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We’ve done exactly the same with What’s app. It keeps that connection going, really good to be honest and we all have a laugh on it. We keep it light. Loads of grandkids pics, pics of our teas, the dogs latest antics etc etc

We even had a section dedicated to our dogs poops as we were concerned they were different colours, people thought we were all mad taking pictures of dog poop all around the North East

[Macca04]

Originally Posted by EssexSue

I think it depends on the in laws relationship with their own family too. My eldest son is very close to me and his wife is too but she doesn't have much family herself, my son in law is estranged from his mother and says I am more like a mum than his has ever been, my younger sons wife is very close to her mum so she always comes first, but we still have a good relationship and my youngest granddaughter constantly reminds them of me. 😂

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Agree three sons here, I see them and grandchildren all the time, my DD doesn’t have kids yet, wouldn’t like to think when she does the other grandchildren noses will be out of joint 😂

[Guest]

Originally Posted by levtweeney

We’ve done exactly the same with What’s app. It keeps that connection going, really good to be honest and we all have a laugh on it. We keep it light. Loads of grandkids pics, pics of our teas, the dogs latest antics etc etc

We even had a section dedicated to our dogs poops as we were concerned they were different colours, people thought we were all mad taking pictures of dog poop all around the North East

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Not dog poos but Grandaughters poos when she started doing them in the potty as we were all so pleased!

[CarolynU]

Donate them to the Salvation Army or the local hospital or a children’s hospice then at least something good will come from the situation.

[JLH]

Originally Posted by Macca04

Agree three sons here, I see them and grandchildren all the time, my DD doesn’t have kids yet, wouldn’t like to think when she does the other grandchildren noses will be out of joint 😂

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You have given me hope 😀 I have three boys who have yet to have children and reading some of these replies got me thinking I would never see my grandchildren. 😂 I do have a good relationship with both sons and their girlfriends so hope it won’t be too bad.
With regards to sending presents and not knowing the grandparents - my dad had no contact with me but started sending presents to my children ( though older than yours ) I gave them the presents and they didn’t turn them down though his present buying didn’t last long anyway 😀 they knew the situation and decided to still accept them and it made no odds to me if they did . They also get presents from an aunt that they never see it has never shown any interest ( now they are earning they buy her one ) it’s just how some families are .