Counselling for teens

[toots82]

Hi all,

Just after some advice/experiences please.

I have a 14 year old DD, she's generally a great girl. She does well in school, dances 4/5 nights a week, helps in house when we ask and occasionally when we don't. She can occasionally be a pain and a bit "will argue black is white" but tends to be for a couple days a month then he horns vanish and she's all on an even keel again

Anyway, a year ago she went through a situation at school where she was blamed for something by a supposed friend and her friends friend. Got a bit intimidating over snapchat, I had to go collect DD from school as she couldn't cope. I supported her through the day and eventually made her block a few people as it all got too much. She had a terrible night that night but went into school the next day with her head high...long story short, the girls apologised and I thought that was the end of that... wrong.

So she was still worked up for a while after (about a week), not eating well, feeling nervy, telling me she was trying to figure out what she was worried about but there was nothing to worry for but she still did etc.

I had got in touch with GP who saw her the same day and referred her. We had a psychologist get in touch but by then it had all settled again and she said she didn't really want to bring it all back up as she believes it was almost a trauma for DD. She gave her a course to do online etc.

Looking back, its now clear that she's had anxiety for a long time, she plods along fine for a while then its a massive meltdown (rarely thankfully but always involving friends and drama even if it doesn't involve her directly but her friends group, she panics). The school have been great and she's been doing a mindfulness course this year which has helped a bit (funnily enough the original girl is in the group, she's actually super protective of DD but that's another story).

So, tonight we were chatting and she told me that she still feels anxious more than she would like to. She said if she sees someone is typing a message to her and its taking longer than normal, she panics about what it's going to say, she said when her best pal messages and says "I'm so annoyed" or that type of thing, even when she knows it's not about her, she worries until it comes through. She said she randomly thinks about past situations/fallings out and it makes her feel anxious. She purposefully doesn't go out with that old group anymore as she knows it always kicks off and when the messages start flying, even though she wasn't there, she gets shaky seeing the arguing between folk, but she also won't remove herself in case someone says something about her (this was about 6 months after the start of it all so that issue has lessened a bit).

She has mentioned that she would be interested in speaking to someone 1:1 but away from school, she wants to fully understand why she reacts like this and what it is about her that makes her this way. She said she thinks chatting to someone who understands it could help. She's palling about with 2 lovely girls now, they're just like her and she has amazing friends in her dance school and loads of support so I think now is a decent time to tackle this rather than waiting for her to have an issue again. I think I'll try and contact the NHS psychologist again to see if she can avoid a waiting list but failing that we are happy to pay.

What do we look for in someone? Has anyone any experiences of this? I feel so proud of her but also honestly so sad for her. This is me over the back & I feel a bit like it's my fault she's this way. I'm determined to support her and let her see that we value her mental health. She's a pretty happy girl most of the time but anxiety can be crippling, what can I do to make sure she learns to manage it?

[lcm23]

I'm not sure what to suggest over and above what you're already doing but just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing an amazing job and she's a very lucky girl to have such a supportive parent who she feels she can open up to. Well done and I hope she gets any additional help she needs as I know from experience that anxiety is so horrid.

[Deggs]

Hi toots, my daughter is the same age and has the occasional bouts of anxiety too. The key thing here is your daughter is talking to you, my daughter talks to me too. And that’s half the battle won! We’re obviously doing something right for them to trust us enough to confide in us. We have considered a local mental health organisation in our town for her age, but came to the conclusion it’s there if she needs it but doesn’t feel the need at the moment. She does have a good group of friends too, with regards to your daughter she only has to be around these girls for the next 18 months and then she’s off making new friends elsewhere in whichever path she chooses. Does she have a separate group of dance friends, or friends from another source? My daughter’s school are very supportive too. I hope she continues to cope as well, she sounds very attuned to her feelings like my daughter. Honestly that’s the best thing so far, you don’t want secrecy. Continue to support her and make sure she knows she can always talk openly with you. I hope you find the professional that is right for you, unfortunately it is trial and error at first. I know it’s such a worry but please try not to blame yourself. They live in a high pressured world these days where nothing is hidden from them, but you’re on the right path.

Best wishes,
Deggs x

[Floridaagogo]

My ds is 15 and suffered with anxiety and ocd .We went for cognitive behavioural therapy through CAMS ,once a week one on one appointments for 4 months and it was a godsend .Feel free to pm me if u want to know more xx

[toots82]

Originally Posted by lcm23

I'm not sure what to suggest over and above what you're already doing but just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing an amazing job and she's a very lucky girl to have such a supportive parent who she feels she can open up to. Well done and I hope she gets any additional help she needs as I know from experience that anxiety is so horrid.

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This made me tear up. Your words are so kind and so appreciated xx

Originally Posted by Deggs

Hi toots, my daughter is the same age and has the occasional bouts of anxiety too. The key thing here is your daughter is talking to you, my daughter talks to me too. And that’s half the battle won! We’re obviously doing something right for them to trust us enough to confide in us. We have considered a local mental health organisation in our town for her age, but came to the conclusion it’s there if she needs it but doesn’t feel the need at the moment. She does have a good group of friends too, with regards to your daughter she only has to be around these girls for the next 18 months and then she’s off making new friends elsewhere in whichever path she chooses. Does she have a separate group of dance friends, or friends from another source? My daughter’s school are very supportive too. I hope she continues to cope as well, she sounds very attuned to her feelings like my daughter. Honestly that’s the best thing so far, you don’t want secrecy. Continue to support her and make sure she knows she can always talk openly with you. I hope you find the professional that is right for you, unfortunately it is trial and error at first. I know it’s such a worry but please try not to blame yourself. They live in a high pressured world these days where nothing is hidden from them, but you’re on the right path.

Best wishes,
Deggs x

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Thank you so much for your answer.

She has loads of separate groups of pals all over. She dances half an hour away from home so nobody from her school is there and her class is from her age up to 17 so a wide range of honestly lovely kids. They're forever on their group chat and mega supportive if eachother and the teachers are lovely too. Then she has pals from an old sports club she went to who also go to different schools and she keeps in contact with them and does sleepovers and shopping days.

Honestly at the moment she's settled and fine but it's like this residual feeling she has inside. She was mentioning it today when we were talking about the course she does at school and she said she thought she would see more benefit from chatting to someone 1:1 and away from school.

I feel really lucky that she can open up. She doesn't tell me every detail of her life but when it goes wrong she's pretty much an open book. I feel as I can tell you do too that it's important to act quickly when they say they're ready. I want her to know it's important and that there are resources.

Thanks again and please keep in touch? Us parents need some support too. This can be draining. I'm glad she's not in the middle of anything now and hopefully we can get her some support before she needs it!

[toots82]

Originally Posted by Floridaagogo

My ds is 15 and suffered with anxiety and ocd .We went for cognitive behavioural therapy through CAMS ,once a week one on one appointments for 4 months and it was a godsend .Feel free to pm me if u want to know more xx

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I'm 100% going to pick your brain! I'll drop you a message tomorrow if that's OK. I'm desperate for my bed just now but her ladyship has informed me I'm watching the rest of her movie with her!

[magickate]

Where we live we have a self referral emotional and well being service. My 15year old uses it as and when she feels she needs to to help her effectively deal with feelings of anxiety that build up. Usually in relation to school exams and similar situations.

I would start be finding if there's anything similar in your area. We are Shropshire based and the service is called Beam.

I believe it's so important to encourage and help provide opportunities for teenagers to speak about their emotions and feelings, particularly to someone that accepts and validates their concerns. Like yours mine doesn't really give me any grief, she does very well at school and is generally quite easy going. This little bit of support has made a huge difference for her and hopefully it'll be the same for your daughter too.

[toots82]

Originally Posted by magickate

Where we live we have a self referral emotional and well being service. My 15year old uses it as and when she feels she needs to to help her effectively deal with feelings of anxiety that build up. Usually in relation to school exams and similar situations.

I would start be finding if there's anything similar in your area. We are Shropshire based and the service is called Beam.

I believe it's so important to encourage and help provide opportunities for teenagers to speak about their emotions and feelings, particularly to someone that accepts and validates their concerns. Like yours mine doesn't really give me any grief, she does very well at school and is generally quite easy going. This little bit of support has made a huge difference for her and hopefully it'll be the same for your daughter too.

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This sounds amazing, thank you. I'll have a look around and see what I can find near us! I'm glad it's helped your daughter. Positive stories make me feel so much better.

[Harry]

Daughter is in her 2nd year of Uni... well we think she is in her 2nd year... not told it to either myself or my wives face yet that she has pulled out of her course due to severe anxiety... her whole time at University has been nothing short of a disaster... bullying issues in dorms... and obviously all the rubbish they have had to deal with re the pandemic... she went to Uni' a bright happy cheerful optimistic kid... and is now a shell of herself... she has been put on Anti D's ... but supposedly she has joined the club as all her friends at Uni' are on the same happy pills... seeing her tomorrow for the first time in 4 months... if I could wrap her up and bring her home I would...

[Deggs]

That’s dreadful Harry, I hope she manages to conquer her situation.

Yes definitely keep in touch toots, keep us all updated. I also have to keep an eye on my son’s mental health too. He’s 19 and up and down, it is exhausting and we do need support ourselves.

Deggs x