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Old 24 Jul 21, 01:17 PM  
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Joe in the confessional:
- Father's blessing.
- God bless you, my son.
- Father, oh sir, do you remember Firmin the painter?
- Of course my son.
- Well, he passed away.
- What a pity, died of what?
- Well, Father, I live on a dead-end street and my house is the last one. He crashed his car into my house.
- Poor guy, did he die in the accident?
- No, he crashed his car into the wall and flew out the window. He fell into my room and hit my wooden wardrobe with his head.
- Too bad, did he died of head trauma?
- No Father, he tried to get up taking the doorknob that came loose and he rolled down the stairs.
- Poor guy, did he die of multiple fractures?
- No Father, after rolling the ladder he hit the fridge, which fell on top of him.
- What a tragedy, crushed to death?
- No, he tried to get up and hit his back on the stove that fell spilling a soup that was boiling on top of him.
-So he burned to death?
- No Father, he got so desperate he ran, tripped over the dog, and went straight to the electrical panel.
- Oooh, he died electrocuted?
- No Father, he died after I shot him twice in the head...
- Whaaat? Son, did you kill Firmino?!
- Had to, Father. The SOB was destroying my whole house!
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Old 26 Jul 21, 05:01 PM  
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A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."
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Old 27 Jul 21, 05:08 PM  
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#643
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing’ it between her knees, but still nothing..’
The doctor was shocked!
‘You asked your neighbor?’
The old man replied,
‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’
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Old 28 Jul 21, 07:40 AM  
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A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are filled. Even the stairs and hallways are filled with people who can't find seats anywhere. It was the contest of the century.

First contestant is the American.. He walked into the middle of the dome and asked for the gates to be opened. In came 6 blue buses. Then all of the people inside the buses came out. All wearing blue with their father's family name on yheir chest. The American shouted.. "I present to you... my children. The crowd gave an applause.
All 300 people in the buses were fathered by the American. The crowd gave a gentle applause and the American was very proud. He thinks to himself. "Ah, with 300 children, who can beat me?" he walks proudly to the side of the grounds with his kids with his chin high and fists in the air. The judges were impressed and gave an approving nod while clapping. Not bad.. Not bad..

The Brit was not impressed though. He shouted to the American. "Is that it? Did you think this is amateur's night?"

He knows he got more. To prove that, he walks into the middle of the dome and asked the croed to calm down. He then asked for the dome roof to be opened. The judges were confused but as soon as the dome roofs were opened, 500 men and women came floating down on red parachutes bearing their family inisgnia. All of them, the Brit's offsprings. The Brit shouted, "My children!" The American was shocked. He didn't think the Brit could beat him. The crowd gave an applause slightly louder than what the American got.
How could anyone beat that? How could the Filipino even beat that?
The Brit walked on to the other side of the dome with his children mighty and proud. Already assuming he's won. The crowd gave an applause and the Brit vowed shouting his thanks.


Third and final contestant, the Filipino.

He walked into the middle of the dome with nothing around to be seen that could be carrying his offsprings. The crowd goes silent. He stood very still doing nothing. A minute passed, still nothing. The judges were confused. They did not know if the Filipino even know what contest he joined into. Looks like he's gonna lose. He was just there, silently standing in the middle of the dome. The judges, keeps looking around looking for any indication of something that could be hiding his children that might be waiting for a grand entrance or something.

The Brit laughed at his opponent already thinking that he won and that the Filipino doesn't have have any offsprings at all. The brit's children joined in and started to laugh at the Filipino too. Even the American and his kids joined in booing and laughing at the Filipino. A minute of laughter amd booing from the two camps all while the Filipino just standing there.


But suddenly, the Filipino raised his hands and the crowd goes silent. Very silent that you could hear the birds chirping. All the more the Brit, American and judges were confused.

Then, it started. A tiny sound from the back of the crowd slowly, steadily growing chant. "What the hell is happening? What are they chanting?" The Brit's smile suddenly turned into a shocked look.

Still, the chant can be heard growing louder and louder every second.. Then finally... The Brit understood what they were singing. From a soft noise, it's now very clear. The judges can now understood every word that the crowd is chanting.


The crowd was chanting "Daddy! Go, go, go! Daddy! Go, go, go! Daddy!" like a football game's crowd singing wildly when a goal has gone in.

The crowd bursts into a booming sound. Cheering. Whistles here and there. Howling. A massive applause. The crowd goes wild!

"Go Dadddddyyyy!"

"Yeah dad!"

Apparently, the whole dome is filled with his children. All 80,000 seats, filled with his children. Even the people on the stairs and hallways are his kids. Cheering for their dad.
It's clear who the champion is.

And that's the story of how the Filipino gathered all his offsprings to be the only audience to a contest he's in.
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Old 28 Jul 21, 10:46 AM  
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I have a small patch of land next to my house so I thought I would plant some seeds I bought off a Chinese seller on E Bay.

They grew very quickly but after a few weeks I noticed they were actually Vibrators.

Now I have a problem with squatters.
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Old 29 Jul 21, 02:48 PM  
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The German Olympian

I met an athlete near the Olympic Park
I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
He said "No, I'm German...
and how do you know my name?"
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Old 29 Jul 21, 03:42 PM  
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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. Then she asked, "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, then fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs, and two without."
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Old 31 Jul 21, 03:07 PM  
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you

mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...



'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
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Old 31 Jul 21, 03:23 PM  
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One day a man was doing throwing practice with his wife while on a vacation, when suddenly he missed and the ball flew into a nearby house. They ran over when they heard glass breaking and saw a weird looking guy staring back.

The weird guy quickly came up to them and started thanking them, "I am a genie who was stuck in a glass bottle for many years. It's thanks to you two, who ended up breaking the bottle, that I was stuck in that I got freedom. So, as a reward, I'll give you two wishes. But I'll keep the last one for myself. If that's okay with you, then ask away. "
Hearing this, the man excitedly replied," Wow! In that case, my first wish is that I want to have a Ferrari. And my next wish is that I should get a billion dollars! "

The genie replied," Done and done! You'll find a Ferrari and a billion dollars when you go back home! Now, as for my wish, I want to sleep with your beautiful wife over here. "

The couple thought for a while and decided that allowing this much was fine after what he had given them.

So the man went inside the house, turned on the TV and started watching the football game that was on while the wife followed the genie upstairs to the bedroom.

After they had done the deed, the genie said, "Ma'am, how old is your husband?"

The wife replied, "He's 26, why do you ask?"

The genie said, "When do you think that he'll be old enough to stop believing in genies?"
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Old 31 Jul 21, 04:53 PM  
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I found an old lamp many years ago so rubbed it until all of a sudden a Genie popped out.

He said you can only have one wish not three. However you haven't got a choice either. You can either have a 10" ≈≈≈≈≈ or an excellent memory.

I can't remember what I asked for sadly.
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