Friends bad influence on DS

[ali-s]

Bit of a long post sorry, but I could do with some help here.
DS13 has Aspergers . For those of you with no experience of Aspergers, for DS it means he has very poor social skills, he's outgoing and friendly, but never really sure of the appropriate reply/ reaction in a given conversation or situation.He also tends to have his own code of conduct- he'll worry or panic over things( usually very trivial ) he thinks are worthy of punishment , yet will be confused when told off for some offence he didn't know he had committed ! He has only a vague idea of the consequences of certain actions - and then he doesn't always match the right consequences with the right action !.
He is in yr 9 at mainstream school. yr7 went without a hitch, early in yr8 at his annual review I learnt that there were problems with him being disruptive/ fidgety in class. His teachers had already sussed the problem - 2 boys DS classes as 'his friends' were sitting beside him in class and encouraging him to misbehave , and he was more than willing to oblige - anything to get a laugh from 'his friends' !
A ban was put in place to prevent him from sitting next to these boys, his teachers were made aware of this and many altered the seating plans where neccessary to keep them apart. All went well for the rest of the year.
Now, a few weeks into yr9 and I have had notes in his planner on misbehaviour in class ( he was actually sent out of class one time ) and 2 letters home from the head of year about misconduct during breaktimes.He's had several detentions and next time will have to spend all his breaks with his head of year. One time he and ' 2 other boys flooded the boys toilets' the 2nd time ' DS and other boys were shouting names at pupils and staff coming into the school'. No prizes for guessing who these ' other boys' are.
Questioning DS last night I found out that he has taken to sitting next to them in class again as ' the teachers don't mind/notice', I asked him what he thought about his behaviour at break times and suggested he needs to steer clear of these boys, but he says ' they're my friends'. He doesn't understand that if they were proper friends they wouldn't be getting him into trouble - I also felt a bit mean implying they weren't 'real' friends as they are the only friends DS has. I'm not sure if they see DS as a friend or just someone good for the ' entertainment value'.
I've told DS to just walk away if they start doing something he thinks is naughty, but he says ' I try, but they call me/ pull me back, and they're my friends'. Obviously he feels being in his friends good books is more important than being in his teachers bad books.
I'm waiting for the school senco to phone me back as I am quite worried about this situation. I can see it escalting until DS does something so silly or dangerous that he ends up suspended or expelled.
Any ideas on how I can deal with the situation ? things I can suggest to the senco ? ideally I'd like DS and his friends kept apart 24/7, but as they are in the same year that's not going to happen. I'm actually wondering if spending break times with his tutor would be the best solution. Threatening punishment on it's own isn't fair as at the moment he doesn't have the social skills to get himself out of this situation. When he is set an achievable target , ie, doing his homework on time, bringing the right books to school, he will go all out to achieve his target. But setting a target of 'keeping out of trouble' is not going to work unless he knows how to achieve it.
Ideas please.

[sunsetlakes]

I've PM'd you xx

[patm]

For a kid with Aspergers the goal of keeping out of trouble is too vague. Do the school run clubs during lunch time? Perhaps that would split your son away from his so called friends and help him to learn new skills.
It may also be useful to explain to him what is accept behaviour and what is not, like would he like to have someone shout rude things at him?
You could also speak to the senco about meeting with her at the end of term to try and split up the group.
Maybe she could introduce him to some new kids who are better behaved.
Good Luck
Pat

[ali-s]

Originally Posted by patm

For a kid with Aspergers the goal of keeping out of trouble is too vague. Do the school run clubs during lunch time? Perhaps that would split your son away from his so called friends and help him to learn new skills.
It may also be useful to explain to him what is accept behaviour and what is not, like would he like to have someone shout rude things at him?
You could also speak to the senco about meeting with her at the end of term to try and split up the group.
Maybe she could introduce him to some new kids who are better behaved.
Good Luck
Pat

See more...

Yes, I've thought about lunchtime clubs - I think DS already attends one though - with his 'friends ', will look into it though.
As for explaining acceptable behaviour, we do try, but unless you can think of every imaginable scenario and explain the appropriate behaviour/ consequences etc, it's not much help- for instance , DS probably won't shout at people or flood the toilets again, but that doesn't mean he won't find another dozen ways to get into trouble
Also realise that ' keep out of trouble is too vague', but again, unless his teachers list every possible way of getting into trouble, DS will always find the way that hasn't been mentioned !

[Guest]

that sounds like you have a real challenge there!

I can identify with so much of what you are saying with our ds. The problem with our kids on the spectrum is that during unstructured times at school this is when they are most vulnerable. Sadly they often end up firing the bullets that other kids have loaded without even realising that they are just being used. Quite often kids with Asperger's are so desperate for friendship that they will do whatever is asked because it will make them seem cool to their "friends", and of course they have the added problem of not understanding the nature of consequence. Someone suggested to us that we ask school if our ds could have a "job" during the lunchbreak. This could help with self esteem/continuity and routine/and it also gives structure and timeout from bad influences.

Maybe it could work for your ds?

[patm]

I admit that I got my daughter with Aspergers to look at your question. She does have problems making friends and finds it hard to explain feelings, emotions and not very clear directions. Even now I have to explain simple things like why she should wait for her friends until they have have finished lunch!
The SENCO may find a job for him at break time ( and I know my DD goes into the office to chat to the staff at times), but his friends may tease him, and he may find it hard.
Good Luck with it
Pat

[ali-s]

Thanks everyone. The senco never rang back , will try her again on monday.

[smallworld73]

Don't want to read and run. Can't really help you as I don't know how to deal with your particular situation. However, the Senco sounds like a good first point of call, but also his form tutor and then the head of year, head of school. I think making everyone aware of the problems he/you are having would be where I would go with this, you never know how much the Senco will pass on.
Good luck with this...

[Guest]

I could be reading about my own son who is 10yrs with aspergers too, god I really feel for you and yes I feel mean about telling my son these people arent proper friends but like you say they are the only ones he has, for all the good they do!
I have spoken with our school and now he is given jobs to do during unstructured times which help keep him out of the "friends" way a little.
Just wanted you to know my son has also flooded the toilets too after a little prompting by his so called "friends" again.

I dont know what the answer is but I do hope you find one (and then tell me too please).
Take care x

[DIBBadmin]

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