Utterly Heartbroken and Devastated

[Guest]

I feel so sorry for you and your daughter indeed this whole situation. Your devastation is palpable.

Don't let him off so easily over the house, it may have been his to start with but you and your daughter have been there for ten years so there are entitlements.

You're in deep shock, it'll subside somewhat over the coming weeks. Talk to your family and friends, here even, it's better to let it out.

So many people here have been through similar and even though it's earliest days yet there will become a point where you start to seen a light at the end of the tunnel. Until that time comes just go one day at the the time ...

Your daughter sounds lovely, you both do. Together you're the A-Team. x

[Guest]

Originally Posted by DisneyStacey

Thank you again everyone.

It was only at a family barbecue at the end of August that all of his family were saying how strong and in love we looked, and he told his mum that he couldn’t live without me.
I just can’t make sense of any of it.

I have always said that cheating is my red line of no return. That I would never be able to go back from that. I don’t want to lie in bed at night and wonder if he really loves me, or if there’s someone else, or if he’s going to leave again. But now I’m having moments of weakness, where I just think I want him back.

Apart from a couple of texts where he’s asked if he can come to the house to pick up some stuff, I haven’t heard a word from him since I found out and asked him to leave. And haven’t physically spoken a word to him at all.

I don’t even know if he misses me. I feel so pathetic.

I used to be such a strong minded, no nonsense sort of person. I thought I still was, but this has shown me that I’m absolutely not.
Feel like I don’t know how to be me without him.

Sorry for the rant again.
It helps a little putting it all down.
X

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You are still strong minded, I can tell that from the way you intend to do the best thing for your daughter when it comes to their future relationship. Some children are not so lucky unfortunately.

What has happen would knock anybody for six, you are not pathetic and you know that this is not your fault.

Nothing anybody can say will truly make you feel better, but you will feel better, only time will help you with that. Until then, take it a day at a time, surround yourself with family and friends, keep yourself busy every day.

I have read a couple of posts about finances, don’t walk away empty handed after 11 years. When you are ready I found this article which covers what you need to do as an unmarried couple with the house in one persons name only. It is high level but it’s a start.

moneyadviceservice.u...ing-separation

[sparklegirl]

Originally Posted by DisneyStacey

Thank you again everyone.

It was only at a family barbecue at the end of August that all of his family were saying how strong and in love we looked, and he told his mum that he couldn’t live without me.
I just can’t make sense of any of it.

I have always said that cheating is my red line of no return. That I would never be able to go back from that. I don’t want to lie in bed at night and wonder if he really loves me, or if there’s someone else, or if he’s going to leave again. But now I’m having moments of weakness, where I just think I want him back.

Apart from a couple of texts where he’s asked if he can come to the house to pick up some stuff, I haven’t heard a word from him since I found out and asked him to leave. And haven’t physically spoken a word to him at all.

I don’t even know if he misses me. I feel so pathetic.

I used to be such a strong minded, no nonsense sort of person. I thought I still was, but this has shown me that I’m absolutely not.
Feel like I don’t know how to be me without him.

Sorry for the rant again.
It helps a little putting it all down.
X

See more...

I could have written this post ten years ago. I was married for ten years, no kids and my then husband had an affair with a friend of ours. Everything you have said here I felt and lived too. I eventually came round to knowing I didn’t want him back because even if he did life would not be as it had been. His actions had changed everything and I could not get that back.

Please know that you are enough and you are strong. You miss your life and the future you thought you had and I totally get that’s you will be absolutely fine. It will take time and the hurt will always be there but if this is how he actually can behave then would you even want him as a friend never mind a partner now. Stay strong my lovely I believe in you.

[JessBlu]

Some couples can get past cheating, it’s up to the pair of you if you want to make the effort to do so.

I would not make any decision either way at the moment, give your self time.

[snowdrop100]

I can tell you are a strong person also (same as the poster a few above).

You might not feel as strong as you were but I think you have a fighting spirit in there and you will create a loving home once again for your daughter.

Please please please dont rush into getting another house. find out what you are entitled to. you might feel (i dont know this) that you want to wash your hands of all financial ties to him but he will have a legal obligation to financially provide for his daughter and you will have part ownership in his house legally. get legal advice.

wishing you lots of love and hugs. time will heal (hard to hear and believe but it is true for these situations I believe)

[StarlingFlight]

My dad left my mum for another woman when I was a similar age to your daughter. I had a similar reaction even though my mum wouldn't say a bad word about my dad to me. 16 years later I barely speak to my bad but my mum is still my best friend and she has a lovely husband who would do anything for her.

Just wanted to let you know that situations like this absolutely can have a happy ending!

[returnplanning]

I think the reason why he has just been able to walk away without it seeming to bother him is that he mentally checked out of the relationship some time ago, so he has had plenty of chance to process things, whereas for you it has come as a sudden smack in the face.


You are strong and you WILL get through this.

[Clarey101]

My dad treated my mum badly, cheating on her several times over a number of years. He never wanted to leave her, he expected her to accept it. It was heartbreaking seeing her broken, but we got through it together as I'm sure you will. She met someone not long after she left my dad who had also come out of a difficult relationship and they had a good life together. As others have said, this is not your fault. Give yourself time and stay strong xx

[DisneyStacey]

I appreciate all your kind words, practical/financial advise and personal stories.

They really give me hope that I might find happiness again one day. I just need to accept that it won’t be with him. And that’s so hard.
It’s so difficult to think that all the plans we’d made are no longer going to happen and that we’ve had all our “lasts” already.

In life terms, I suppose I’m only young still (29), but I can’t help but feel like I’m past it. Who’s going to want me now?

Even though he is the one who has done wrong, I’m left feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

I’m determined to be able to walk out of this with my head held high. People have said to me “I’d have cut up his clothes” or “thrown his things on the street”, but I don’t want him to be able to paint me as some sort of psycho to justify his actions. I love(d) him with all my heart and over our relationship I gave him 100% of me. I couldn’t have loved him anymore. I just wasn’t enough.

X

[cheekydeeky]

Originally Posted by DisneyStacey

I appreciate all your kind words, practical/financial advise and personal stories.

They really give me hope that I might find happiness again one day. I just need to accept that it won’t be with him. And that’s so hard.
It’s so difficult to think that all the plans we’d made are no longer going to happen and that we’ve had all our “lasts” already.

In life terms, I suppose I’m only young still (29), but I can’t help but feel like I’m past it. Who’s going to want me now?

Even though he is the one who has done wrong, I’m left feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

I’m determined to be able to walk out of this with my head held high. People have said to me “I’d have cut up his clothes” or “thrown his things on the street”, but I don’t want him to be able to paint me as some sort of psycho to justify his actions. I love(d) him with all my heart and over our relationship I gave him 100% of me. I couldn’t have loved him anymore. I just wasn’t enough.

X

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You will be happy again. It will happen gradually, each day will be a little bit easier and eventually you’ll waken up and feel ok again .

29 is still young and someone will want you but first you need to heal and learn to love yourself and understand that this wasn’t something you could control. He is the one who has wronged you - nothing you could have done would have changed that.

Embarrassed and ashamed for what? Loving and trusting your partner? How would you feel towards a friend in your position?

Please don’t blame yourself for this. Your actions can’t alter someone else’s behaviour. He’s fully responsible for that.