Eurovision Final - my review

[Gill H]

Shalom folks, and welcome to the most bonkers night of the year. We start with last year’s winner, Netta (who will feature a lot tonight) supposedly flying a plane full of Eurovision contestants to Tel Aviv. The air traffic controller is of course played by Jon Ola Sand, Eurovision’s ‘Mr Sensible’. The plane lands to the sounds of Israel’s most famous winning song ‘Hallelujah’ and I’m sure that’s what the passengers would be saying too.

And guess what, the organisers have built an actual plane for the contestants to emerge from. Which they do, accompanied by blue-clad dancing air crew, and Netta in an improbable tutu. The now traditional ‘flag ceremony’ is enlivened by the flags being whirled around with sparklers by the dancers, as each entrant comes in. Oh, and look, Israel’s other most famous winner, Dana International, dressed in a yellow creation with huge pointy shoulders. She looks like a walking tortilla chip. Which reminds me, time to break out the hummus. We’re going to need some sustenance for the long night ahead.

Then in comes a lady called Ilanit, another of Israel’s popular entries of days gone by, reprising her song ‘Ey Sham’ (unfortunate title for the English language there, but apparently it just means ‘Somewhere’). She’s followed by a chap called Nadav Guedj, who in 2015 gave us a song with the memorable lyrics ‘And before I leave, let me show you Tel Aviv’. I see what you did there, organisers.

Anyway, having reminded us of past glories, they bring on our four hosts. No, I don’t know why they need four either. They are (in my head anyway) Trendy Tux, Foxtrot Barbie, Silver Mermaid and Off-Duty Accountant. After some lame jokes that fall completely flat, they outline the terms and conditions in a nice little cut-and-paste montage from previous contests, featuring our very own Katie Boyle, among others.

And then finally we’re into the filling in the Eurovision sandwich. Which begins with…

1. Malta
Probably the only reggae-flavoured entry this year. A cheery young lady performs against various cartoon backgrounds, claiming she is a chameleon. This is evidently a lie, because I can still see her. At least her vocals have improved vastly since the semi-final. Not a bad start, particularly as she is only 18 and has to be first on stage. The song does feature some ‘Na na nas’ which won’t be the last ones tonight.

2. Albania
This lady is apparently big news in Albania – among other things, she hosts their version of Strictly. So it’s appropriate that she’s wearing the local equivalent of a flamenco dress and belting out a tango. I was just waiting for the dancers to appear, though alas, they never do. She does wander a little from the tune at times, but again, less so than she did in the semi-final.

3. Czech Republic
For some reason the band are called ‘Lake Malawi’. The chirpy smiles, natty coloured jumpers and undeniably catchy ‘friend of a friend’ chorus are not enough to make me forgive the fake Cockney accent on the ‘talky bit’. Nor, indeed, the rather worrying lyrics about listening to the neighbours getting frisky. Eww. Still, the brightly coloured boxes are fun.

4. Germany
The first of the ‘Big Five’ who automatically qualify for the final by bankrolling much of the competition. These girls perform a doom-ridden and wordy power ballad called ‘Sisters’ which features a lot of shouting and a confession of attempted murder. You can’t say all the songs are the same tonight, that’s for sure.

5. Russia
A bloke in white called Sergei with a dramatic ballad entitled ‘Scream’ which sounds like it escaped from the musical Chess. He’s joined by several video clones of himself (evidently Auto Sergei is a thing over there too). The guy has a serious smoulder, even when imprisoned in a glass box in the pouring rain. The dramatic choral break and even more dramatic finale are classic Eurovision fare.

[Gill H]

While Israeli viewers get an ad break, we get to watch Silver Mermaid interview Jean Paul Gaultier. Why? Well, because as well as being responsible for Madonna’s infamous ‘cone bra’ he also designed Dana International’s ‘parrot’ costume when she won. So that’s all right then. And we resume with…

6. Denmark
Tooth-achingly sweet ‘why can’t we all just get along’ number by a Lily Allen soundalike who is evidently wearing her work uniform – black trousers with braces and a white blouse. Eminently sensible, as she climbs a ladder to sit on an enormous chair. She’s flanked by two girls and later two men, who between them look like a Benetton ad. The song is a perky singalong ditty in English and French (and a few other languages too) reminding us that ‘love is forever’. It’s actually rather grown on me.

7. San Marino
The title – and probably the most profound lyric – is ‘Say Na Na Na’. There’s always a place for 80s disco at Eurovision, and this is it. Reminiscent of Right Said Fred without the fun, or indeed the tuning. Might have been fun if they had bothered with a lead singer who could actually sing.

8. North Macedonia
Their first entry under their new name. Normally my eyes glaze over when yet another woman in a big dress sings an anguished ballad. However, they’ve cut back on those this year, thankfully, which means this one really makes an impact on me. The green-clad singer passionately exhorts us to be proud of who we are. No theatrics, no screaming, just a song that’s allowed to speak for itself. I find myself liking this one, to my surprise.

Another break, where we are exhorted to download the Eurovision app (I resist – what would I do with it the rest of the year?) and then we’re taken to the green room. As usual, this is not green and not a room. In fact, apparently it’s in a completely different building, but you wouldn’t know that from the TV coverage. Foxtrot Barbie interviews the young lady from Malta, who is savvy enough to namecheck her own song twice and remind the viewers where she’s from too. Then Trendy Tux has a chat with Germany and the Czech Republic. Oh no, Trendy Tux is singing again. He thinks he’s hilarious. Probably the only person who does. Then we cut to Off-Duty Accountant who introduces…

9. Sweden
This guy desperately wants to be John Legend. He has buckets of charisma – not only flirting with the camera but practically proposing to it. He sings a gospel-tinged stomper of the kind Sweden do so well. And then on come ‘the Mamas’ – four gospel divas in the kind of sparkly trouser suits you can only get away with at Eurovision. And boy, can they sing. He ends with a cheeky wink to the camera. I suspect this one will rack up some serious votes.

10. Slovenia
An earnest young couple in white. The woman is gazing moonily at the poor guy like she’s confessing to having a crush on him. She looks absolutely terrified as she sings to him in an undertone. He keeps giving her encouraging nods but looks as if he’s fed up with her already. I know I am.

11. Cyprus
A woman in black patent leather, thigh-high boots and what looks like a pink bejewelled nappy. The leather soon comes off to reveal it’s actually an ill-fitting pink basque which apparently still hasn’t been taken out of its plastic wrapper. Her number is called ‘Replay’ which is appropriate as it’s practically a repeat of last year’s ‘Fuego’. She must have heard Madonna was coming as she’s basically stolen her act.

12. The Netherlands
A downbeat piano ballad called ‘Arcade’ with folky overtones and an anthemic lighters-in-the-air chorus. Think Sam Smith with more smoulder. Time was when every other entry sounded like this, but this year it doesn’t have much competition in the ‘sad bloke and piano’ category.

13. Greece
In tribute to the film that (almost) shares their name, this is evidently a restaging of ‘Beauty School Dropout’. It features puffed sleeves, wings, fencing and a huge white balloon which is thrown into the audience. Was ‘The Prisoner’ popular in Greece? Or have they just been watching too many Annie Lennox videos? At the end the singer wrecks her big high note. Can we institute a rule of instant elimination if you mess up your big note? It would probably trim the contest down by an hour or so.

[Gill H]

Another brief break for Foxtrot Barbie to introduce…

14. Israel
Having gone down the ‘quirky’ route last year, they are reverting to ‘serious ballad by serious singer’ tonight. A guy in a black suit who sings a classically-influenced ballad about coming home. He can really sing – I can imagine him as Jean Valjean in Les Mis – but I’m not sure that the obvious emotion he shows will translate into votes. Then again, Israel probably don’t want the expense of hosting twice. Still, if there is ever a category for ‘most expert handling of an unnecessarily awkward key change’ this guy should take the prize.

15. Norway
A trio in black, singing ‘Spirit in the Sky’ (no, not that one). It includes a member of the Sami Parliament, who does some traditional ‘yoiking’ (think yodelling but a lot deeper). Hey, maybe we should send some MPs next year. Is Ed Balls free, by any chance? Anyway, this song is a catchy little number which features a giant stag, and goes down well in the hall.

16. UK
Like several other countries, we’ve sent a young singer with very little experience, and expected them to deal with this enormous crowd. So it’s not surprising that Michael Rice’s ballad ‘Bigger Than Us’ gets off to a somewhat shaky start. Once his backing singers turn up and form a circle, he’s a bit happier, and the song builds into a gospel-flavoured anthem that sounds like a standard X-Factor winner’s song. He pulls it off well enough, but I don’t think it’s going to be particularly memorable. Particularly when you see what follows it…

Mercifully there’s a break before the next entry, during which Trendy Tux interviews a few of tonight’s contestants who have performed before. There are often quite a few of these. Perhaps the pool of people willing to put themselves through the event is fairly small in some countries. Anyway, Silver Mermaid is given the task of introducing …

17. Iceland
A visit to a rather dodgy club whose denizens growl their way through a song called ‘Hatred Will Prevail’. The lead singer is scarily raspy, but his overdone expressions remind me oddly of Kenneth Williams cackling ‘Frying tonight!’ There’s a blonde guy in a mullet who makes me think of Howard Jones in a production of Rocky Horror. In fact it’s all a bit 80s, but not in a good way. I’m not sure the target audience for this type of song are watching Eurovision. Still, variety is never a bad thing.

18. Estonia
A country-tinged stomper called ‘Storm’ by a smiley bloke who, like so many before him, can’t handle the big notes. His guitar magically disappears mid-song and then reappears again for no reason. Even the introduction of an actual storm can’t save this.

19. Belarus
She’s 16, blonde and like several of tonight’s entries she shops at Tel Aviv Thigh-High Boots R Us. Her breakdancing buddies are the best thing about this number, apart from the Terry Gilliam-inspired visuals behind her. The song is called ‘Like It’. I’m not sure whether that’s a question or a command, but either way, my answer is ‘No’.

[Gill H]

20. Azerbaijan
Evidently they knew this year’s theme was triangles, because he performs in front of a giant triangle reminiscent of the old Gladiators symbol. The most worrying thing about this guy, though, is the two laser guns drawing a heart on his chest. Are they going to operate? Is this a sneak peek from ‘Iron Man The Musical’? (I admit it, I would watch the heck out of that…) The song really needs a Rag & Bone Man voice to carry off, which he doesn’t have, but it plods along quite happily.

21. France
This is the Beyonce-tastic young man called Bilal, whose song ‘Roi’ (King) is about celebrating who you are. To this end he has recruited two ballet dancers who ‘fall outside normal expectations’ – one is deaf and the other plus-sized. Unfortunately neither get the choreography to really show off their skills. Despite a laudable message, the song is unfortunately rather dull.

22. Italy
This chap has borrowed the wallpaper from his local Chinese restaurant to make a shirt. He sings ‘Soldi’ (money) in a sort of half-rap, half-growl, accompanied by headlines such as ‘It hurts to be alive’. Well, it certainly hurts to sing like that. The jaunty ‘clap clap’ in the chorus rather undermines his tough guy image. The crowd seem to like it though.

23. Serbia
This year has featured fewer angsty ballads by women in improbable dresses, but they haven’t gone away entirely. And here’s the proof. The defining factor here, though, is the jewellery – big metal cuffs and arm clamps, and a necklace of silver spikes. Her dishevelled blonde locks and startlingly red lipstick put me in mind of Patsy from Ab Fab.

24. Switzerland
A Bieber wannabe (which is rather a sad concept in itself) demonstrating why ‘Despacito’ didn’t come out of Switzerland. The thumpy chorus declares ‘She got me dirty dancing’ but I don’t think he will be put in a corner tonight.

25. Australia
This is the song that’s created the most buzz. After a few years of sending songs that were actually quite good but disappointingly normal, Australia have got up the confidence to embrace the full wackiness of Eurovision staging. OK, so how do I describe this? Imagine a Kate Bush song crossed with a production of Wicked staged by Cirque du Soleil, featuring not only vocal acrobatics but physical ones as well, as the singer and her two friends sway back and forth on huge bendy poles. Perhaps they told her they would be pole dancing? The operatic singer herself is superb and certainly takes her throne as the queen of the night (yes, I went there...) I’m still not sure about the actual song, but there’s no denying this will grab the attention.

26. Spain
This frizzy-haired guy is strangely reminiscent of Harry Enfield’s Scouser character. No point telling him to calm down, though. He rushes through every room in a giant house, getting their occupants to join his Zumba class. Which also features a giant illuminated wicker man, for some reason. A frantic and fun way to finish this part of the evening.

[Gill H]

So now it’s time for the rather laboured countdown and then at last we can vote.

There’s a recap of all the entries to give us enough time to put the kettle on, and then Trendy Tux enters to a Cabaret-esque piano vamp, to introduce the first of our interval items. This is a bit like an end of school concert where all your favourite teachers do impressions of each other. Or was that just my school?

Anyway, here we have some Eurovision alumni who’ve decided to cover each other’s songs. Conchita (with freshly trimmed beard, see-through jumpsuit and feather boa) has a go at Mans Zelmerlow’s ‘Heroes’ and Mans responds by tackling last year’s favourite ‘Fuego’. This was sung by Eleni, who appears wearing a see-through body stocking, three strategically placed stars and not much else. She gamely has a go at Verka Seduchka’s iconic ‘Dancing Lasha Tumbai’. In case you’ve forgotten Verka, think Biggins in bacofoil. And indeed, here is the drag-tastic Verka, to close the circle with a surprisingly good version of last year’s winning song, ‘Toy’. In heels, no less.

To add a little class to the proceedings, we’re then introduced to Gali Atari, the lead singer from ‘Milk and Honey’ who won in 1979 with ‘Hallelujah’. At the time, this was sung by a sweet and wholesome group who looked like they’d been booked for a Bar Mitzvah. Tonight, however, Gali is joined by the other performers from the last act, and they all join in the chorus with obvious affection. They even use the background from the 1979 contest and the classic 1970s Eurovision logo. It’s an effective snapshot of how Eurovision has changed over the years, and I have to admit I tear up a little. Maybe the wine has kicked in.

Next there’s a brief chat with someone who’s turned up dressed as Madonna. How hilarious. Oh, wait. It actually is Madonna, complete with pirate eyepatch, bluffing her way through a speech about how great Eurovision is. Next!

The next item is introduced as the Idan Raichel Project, and is evidently a laudable enterprise bringing together people from different communities to perform orchestral music together. Very nice but that harpist is in danger of getting her hair caught in her instrument if she doesn’t watch out.

I then assume Will.I.Am has sneaked in, but instead it’s a guy apparently called Quevo (isn’t that a wine? Speaking of which, pass the bottle please). He’s very excited to be performing with Madonna, because ‘My mom grew up listening to her’. Ouch! That is a serious third degree burn you delivered there, Mr Quevo. Better check your employment contract later.

And so we come to the event the hosts have been hyping all evening – a performance from Madonna. Apparently she insisted on a closed set for her rehearsal, so who knows what surprises she will spring on us? Let’s face it, Iceland and Australia have pretty much upstaged her before she even starts.

We open on the set of a medieval monastery, complete with chanting monks, and the opening chords of ‘Like A Prayer’. And then Madonna lifts off her monk’s hood, opens her mouth and … is horrendously out of tune. Seriously. I don’t know whether the sound is dodgy, but even allowing for that, she sounds absolutely dreadful.

Somehow or other she makes it to the end of the song, and then launches into a new one called ‘Wake Up’. It begins with dancers in gas masks and flowers, dancing to ‘Dance of the Reed Flutes’ from the Nutcracker Suite. All Brits of a certain vintage are now singing ‘Everyone’s a Fruit and Nut Case’ which is particularly appropriate. The song has evidently been autotuned to death and is therefore pretty much in tune. Still not exactly pleasant to listen to, though. Someone take her offstage for a nice sit down. At least it’s nice to see the aforementioned Mr Cuevo holding her hand to walk her safely down the steps. Evidently his mom brought him up right.

Oh look, the hosts are back. Silver Mermaid’s dress has obviously gone back to the hire company and she’s borrowed Foxtrot Barbie’s long white number from the first semi-final. Foxtrot Barbie, meanwhile, is dressed in a pile of fishnets. The chaps are still in their suits, evidently not feeling the need for a costume change.

Instead they start talking about the things you can do in three minutes. And now I really fancy a boiled egg. Three minutes is apparently the average length of a Eurovision song. Really? Some of them seemed a lot longer than that. Anyway, this leads into Wonder Woman star Gal Gadot doing a three minute video promo of Tel Aviv. All very nice, and she gives a tip of the hat to Netta and her lyric from ‘Toy’ “Wonder Woman don’t you ever forget…” Ok, can we get on with the results now please?

And indeed, it’s time to wake up Jon Ola Sand again. “Mr Sand? It’s time for your speech. Yes, that one. Again.” He confirms that all the votes have been counted and verified, and the hosts start taking us through the jury votes which the 41 countries have submitted after watching a closed performance the previous evening. The hosts seem determined to greet every announcer with ‘Good night’ which seems to me like they want to get rid of them.

As the jury votes pour in, favourites like Australia and Sweden pick up lots of votes, as do a few surprising entries like Italy. The UK never strays far from the bottom end of the table, although we do pick up votes from Norway, Hungary, Spain, Armenia, Georgia and Switzerland. So that’s my next summer holiday itinerary sorted.

The live audience votes are then announced, in the form of points which are added to the existing scores. It’s all very complicated, and delivers the double sucker punch that the UK only has another 3 points. Better than Germany though, who got zero.
Meanwhile at the top of the table, Sweden looks set to take the crown until a last-minute influx of votes changes everything. The close-ups of the entrants as the votes are announced is pretty brutal. No-one has shown these guys how to perfect an ‘Oscar nomination face’ and the Swedish guy evidently thought he had it in the bag until this point, because he looks as if he’s been slapped in the face as the last numbers come in. Instead the Netherlands takes the trophy, to the amazement of many including the performer himself. The organisers haven’t even managed to get a piano back on stage, so he has to make do with just a microphone. He wobbles through the song in a decidedly shaky voice, and seemingly can’t wait to get off the stage.

Meanwhile the UK finishes in last place, and the viewers are left to lick their wounds and mutter darkly about politics and conspiracy theories. Regardless, it’s been a great night, and we’re already looking forward to next year in the Netherlands. Shalom and good night, folks.

[wanye]

i was tweeting "live" as i watched it last night (i was at a wedding on sat. managed to get through to sunday night with no spoilers about who won or anything!

• Halfway into #Eurovision and for me it's between Norway and Denmark's big chair. UK up next...
• a friend described the UK's entry as "godawful" - I wouldn't go that far. Generic is more fitting I reckon
• ICELAND!
• Estonia... Where did his guitar go?! Is he a magician?
• Belarus... I like this. I would listen to this under normal circumstances
• Azerbaijan. Song is a bit meh, but I love the surgical robot arm laser show!
• France's eyebrows scare me
• Did Italy 's answer to Sean Paul reference the big man himself at the start of his song, or did I imagine it?!
• The lass from Serbia reminds me of someone. It's really bugging me who she looks like!
• Switzerland will do well
• S--- me, Australia 's staging is stunning!
• Ok, I'm sold! Australia FTW! Them poles!
• Spain ... Is this a remake of "little computer people"?!
• Madonna's bit about coming to the future... It sounds like a bad Diplo b-side
• Hahaha, I was right! en.wikipedia/wiki/Madame...#Track_listing
• Only 12 points so far for Israel. From one country. That's gotta be political, right?
• 3 points to england in the public vote! That's ≈≈≈≈ funny! #brexit #Eurovision
• I LOVE that Norway just barrelled into first place on the public vote!
• But then Russia's result. That's gotta be a botnet, right!?

[Edam1975]

Great review. I was rooting for Switzerland, Australia or Norway (loved the Sami guy). Last place for UK, and only 3 points in the public vote. Europe really hate us don't they? Maybe we should go for a wacky number next time.

[JudyC]

Love reading your reviews Gill, you have a real talent for it 😀
I said the same about the everyones a fruit and nutcase tune 😁

[Disney_time]

Thanks for that fab, entertaining review Gill. Makes me wonder if next year, I'll skip watching the contest and go straight to your review. Still chortling 😅😅😅

[thepricefamily]

Great review Gill - spot on with your observations! It was a fun night, exactly what I’d expect from Eurovision!