I don’t want to always take my mum

[suehen]

Next year we are going away with DD, SIL and 2 granddaughters and DS at first we though about being in the same apartment, but after talking to everyone we agreed 2 hotel rooms in the same place. Our DD does have some mobility problems and is in pain most of the time but she already knows that me and DH get up early, now our DS is never up early no problem he will sleep though a bomb going off usually just leave him a note so when he wakes up he knows were we are. DD and SIL with 2 young daughter again they get up early, we have said that the rides the girls are not big enough to ride that me and DH will take them on something else and meet up after. We have a while before we go but DD said that she thought that us all being together in the apartment that me and DH would not have a minute so decided POFQ 2 rooms would work better. This is holiday our DD and her little family unit they badly need a trip away, but there is no way me or DH would tell them what parks, rides or were to eat. I do know that we will offer to babysit one evening for them to go out and do whatever they please. OP you go on holiday with your DH and children and enjoy yourself your children are young they grow up quickly your mum is going on holidays without you just book for the 4 of you and have a lovely time wish you luck.

[3disneykids]

Originally Posted by Pjamas

I think I would do everything to preserve the relationship and tell a few white lies like unmissable last minute offers/competitions/ going with friends etc. I think it is kinder for her to think she is missing out by chance as it would seem little things upset her so a big thing could damage things and that isn’t necessary but there is no way you can allow your family to put up with her behaviour on precious holiday time anymore. Good luck OP but put yourself and your family first - enjoy those holidays while the kids still want to go with you. You can take her again when the kids are older and her behaviour had a different impact.

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Just to put a spin on this but if it was a man and woman or woman and man and one was being manipulative, selfish and demanding would the same advice be offered? (I understand why you may put it this way) I have lost both of my parents and can understand the thought of relationship preservation with a parent.
However if the OP was talking about a partner we would probably be telling her to run a mile. Somehow society sees a blood relative particularly a mother or father as having any right they wish.
What one person views as normal another may view it as abuse. I are't saying that this is the situation but as people we can never completely understand the dynamics of another life.

OP I really don't feel that is as easy as everyone thinks to say tell her straight. From how you describe the situation there is an unnecessary guilt that she has instilled into you. She has trained this guilt into you. You can be your own person and take control. I think you have to set boundaries and 'treat her like you would a child' that does not accept no.
Explain that it is happening and the reasons why (If that is that you want your own 'family' holiday or whatever reason). Be rational and reasonable but stick to your guns your want for a holiday without her is a 'normal' reasonable expectation so just hold on to that thought and stay strong.

Sending hugs xx

[Vinniecat]

Is there any chance that you could stay onsite and your mum take a friend so they can do their own thing some of the time? Then maybe you can say that you would really love her to join you but feel as the children are getting older you need to do some things with just the four of you. Even if this is just suggested it might make her think about the way she is. I don't necessarily think she means to be controlling. Sometimes we only see something from our own perspective and maybe she genuinely doesn't realise that she is overstepping the mark at times.

[Pjamas]

Originally Posted by 3disneykids

Just to put a spin on this but if it was a man and woman or woman and man and one was being manipulative, selfish and demanding would the same advice be offered? (I understand why you may put it this way) I have lost both of my parents and can understand the thought of relationship preservation with a parent.
However if the OP was talking about a partner we would probably be telling her to run a mile. Somehow society sees a blood relative particularly a mother or father as having any right they wish.
What one person views as normal another may view it as abuse. I are't saying that this is the situation but as people we can never completely understand the dynamics of another life.

OP I really don't feel that is as easy as everyone thinks to say tell her straight. From how you describe the situation there is an unnecessary guilt that she has instilled into you. She has trained this guilt into you. You can be your own person and take control. I think you have to set boundaries and 'treat her like you would a child' that does not accept no.
Explain that it is happening and the reasons why (If that is that you want your own 'family' holiday or whatever reason). Be rational and reasonable but stick to your guns your want for a holiday without her is a 'normal' reasonable expectation so just hold on to that thought and stay strong.

Sending hugs xx

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I completely understand this and agree this is preferable but in my experiences the parent would completely refuse to accept any criticism of their behaviour and would take it as a personal attack ignoring any and all evidence to the contrary. I think when the chance of someone seeing the light or changing their behaviour is so bleak then for the sake of a holiday which is a few weeks long it is best to preserve the long term relationship which ticks along in a different way. I agree this behaviour in an intimate relationship would be unacceptable but with parents and those of an older generation sometimes you have to just swallow as they will never change or see things from your perspective. I'd rather tell some white lies and get on with things.

[bonnies mum]

Just tell her you have got your holiday booked.
When she says "what about me" just say oh I thought with you going on the cruise you wouldnt be wanting to come this year especially with the boys getting older & wanting to do things their way now.

[Noodle500]

Originally Posted by Vinniecat

Is there any chance that you could stay onsite and your mum take a friend so they can do their own thing some of the time? Then maybe you can say that you would really love her to join you but feel as the children are getting older you need to do some things with just the four of you. Even if this is just suggested it might make her think about the way she is. I don't necessarily think she means to be controlling. Sometimes we only see something from our own perspective and maybe she genuinely doesn't realise that she is overstepping the mark at times.

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Book on-site and tell her room only holds four people but suggest a short trip to Disneyland Paris or a night away for Harry Potter on Warner Brothers Tour

[3disneykids]

Originally Posted by Pjamas

I completely understand this and agree this is preferable but in my experiences the parent would completely refuse to accept any criticism of their behaviour and would take it as a personal attack ignoring any and all evidence to the contrary. I think when the chance of someone seeing the light or changing their behaviour is so bleak then for the sake of a holiday which is a few weeks long it is best to preserve the long term relationship which ticks along in a different way. I agree this behaviour in an intimate relationship would be unacceptable but with parents and those of an older generation sometimes you have to just swallow as they will never change or see things from your perspective. I'd rather tell some white lies and get on with things.

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I don't think there is anything wrong with white lies and also understand the perspective about the behaviour not changing but that doesn't give them the right to dictate over their child's life just because they are unwilling to change. It probably isn't just a few weeks where the mothers behaviour is like this it is probably constant. And it isn't just a few weeks in this situation either it has happened for all their holidays over many years.
I do disagree with the fact that you have to swallow it. If there was an older cult leader who had manipulated people using the same manipulation would we say just 'swallow it'. A parent just be loving caring and nurturing. I wouldn't expect parent to treat a 'child' this way or vice versa. Before a person knows it they can be 50 and have had their life stolen from them not having been able to take control over any part of their life and I just don't think that is fair to expect someone to live life in a way where they can't really live their own life.
I agree it is whatever works best for each individual but living in 'fear' and being manipulated is a form of abuse and don't fell that should be tolerated regardless of who that relationship is with.
BTW I completely understand why you feel the way you do xx
Edited to add: I was not saying 'don't preserve the relationship but even if the mother doesn't realise her behaviour maybe taking a more direct approach may make her realise that her 'tantrums' and manipulation won't work. ( I really do think people who behave like this are spoilt children and the more you 'give in' the worse their behaviour gets)

[Leec]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind replies.
I think white lies is the way to go, I certainly wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings. We’ve been through so much together and I wouldn’t want to hurt her at all. I’m convinced she doesn’t realise she’s doing it, that makes it more difficult to address.
I’ve started showing her cruises for next year that I know her and her friend would like and when she books one I will let her know we’ve booked too.

[*jovi_girl*]

I went to Florida with my mum Christmas 2011 and absolutely hated it.

She was so picky with the food, moaned about everything we did, always wanted to be back in the hotel early even in New Year’s Eve, always wanted to do everything with my youngest ds and leave the other 2 out which i did put my foot down against and loads of other stuff.

Luckily for me she can’t fly now due to some disability so she doesn’t expect to be invited

[daytonababe]

We took my parents and adult sister ( they came
As a package ) twice to Florida , quite frankly it was a disaster .

We just never asked them again . I’m sure they wanted to go but it just wasn’t for us so we did our own thing .