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Old 23 Jul 20, 03:20 AM  
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#361
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Morris calls his son in NY and says," Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna, it worked this time, but what are we going to going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"
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Old 23 Jul 20, 07:42 AM  
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A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
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Old 23 Jul 20, 07:45 AM  
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Mr Tom Morrow
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Read this out loud:

This is This cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

NOW READ THE THIRD WORD IN ALL THE SENTENCES.
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Old 30 Jul 20, 06:11 PM  
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Someone — always a man — always asks, “does the ship run on generators?” The Cruise Director usually tells them, “No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland.”
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Old 30 Jul 20, 06:16 PM  
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Two old men are sitting out on the deck of a cruise ship. One turns to the other and asks, "have you read Marx?"

The other replies, "yeah, I think it's from sitting on these wicker chairs".
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Old 6 Aug 20, 05:21 PM  
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Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. Then I spotted two employees and asked whether they had any. “Sure,” said the first guy. “I’ll get you one.” As he walked to the back, the second guy explained, “We keep them in the storage room. If we leave them out on the counter, people just come in and take them
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Old 6 Aug 20, 07:49 PM  
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My brother has applied for a job at Citroen



He had to send 2 CVs
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Old 6 Aug 20, 08:00 PM  
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Can I have a locking petrol cap for my Skoda?

Seems like a fair swap.
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Old 9 Aug 20, 04:08 AM  
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Who’s the funniest Disney princess?
RaPUNzel.
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Old 9 Aug 20, 07:56 AM  
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Originally Posted by cartoonp View Post
Who’s the funniest Disney princess?
RaPUNzel.
one of my daughter's favourites!

and What do you call a fairy with bad breath? Stinkerbell...
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