Custody of children and other fun matters.

[Guest]

Hello everyone.

Thank you so much for your support on my other post about my husband leaving after 12 years. I do not have a very supportive family to it was so good to be able to talk about it.

Fast forward to now.
It’s the end of the school holidays in Scotland and our daughter has spent most of her days with me as I work from home and 3 nights with her dad.

Moving forward he is suggesting that we do a 6/8 split over two weeks until she is of age.
This would include her being picked up from school by my mother in law every school day that she is with him, when I am 2 mins away and should really pick her up.
I’m not particularly happy about my daughter having to live in two different places, surely she will never feel settled. As soon as she is use to one… she gets shifted back to the other. Or am I being unreasonable?

I have the house until a divorce comes through and we have to deal with it. I pay all the bills apart from 50% of the mortgage.
When he came to pick up our daughter on Thursday he spent 3 hours telling me I wasn’t allowed anyone in the house and that I wasn’t to take my daughter on days out with my friends (cinema, national trust, bowling etc) and refused to leave until I had agreed.

It’s been a really hard adjustment but I’ve decided that as I will apparently be alone for 6 days every two weeks I will definitely just invite my friends round when the feeling takes me (which it often does as a very sociable 32 year old).

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I need some unbiased opinions!

[Rac20]

I’m so sorry that you are going through this and sending you lots of virtual hugs.

How old is your daughter? I don’t have any recent experience but when my parents divorced we had to go to family courts as my dad wanted to emigrate and the courts took our opinions/wants/needs into account. We were over 12 though. This was a long time ago and things might have changed.

Your ex seems very demanding. Is he going to be following the same rules?

I do think if he continues to lay down demands then you need to get official advice and help.

[ScoopsAhoy]

What?! He won’t “allow” you to take your child out with your friends? Why?
He has absolutely no right whatsoever to stop you from doing that unless they are a danger to your daughter which I’m assuming is not the case at all.
You sound well shot of him, how controlling!
Hope you’re ok.

[novocastrian]

Originally Posted by Mrs_O

Hello everyone.

When he came to pick up our daughter on Thursday he spent 3 hours telling me I wasn’t allowed anyone in the house and that I wasn’t to take my daughter on days out with my friends (cinema, national trust, bowling etc) and refused to leave until I had agreed.

See more...

i have nothing of value to add as not been in anything like this situation but the paragraph above ?

assumingly he dosnt take his daughter anywhere or have anyone in his house ?

apologies if i have misread / misunderstood ?

[Guest]

Originally Posted by novocastrian

i have nothing of value to add as not been in anything like this situation but the paragraph above ?

assumingly he dosnt take his daughter anywhere or have anyone in his house ?

apologies if i have misread / misunderstood ?

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I know he’s taken her to several Highland games with his friends and their families. I don’t ask him who he has in his house and I wouldn’t believe the answer if I did. I might ask my daughter but I don’t want to be accused of using her to spy on him.

[Guest]

Originally Posted by Rac20

I’m so sorry that you are going through this and sending you lots of virtual hugs.

How old is your daughter? I don’t have any recent experience but when my parents divorced we had to go to family courts as my dad wanted to emigrate and the courts took our opinions/wants/needs into account. We were over 12 though. This was a long time ago and things might have changed.

Your ex seems very demanding. Is he going to be following the same rules?

I do think if he continues to lay down demands then you need to get official advice and help.

See more...

She is a very passive 11 year old. I asked her how she felt about living in two different places the whole time and she said she was fine about it. So I guess I’ll just have to concede.

[storm]

His house rules sound unreasonable, speak to Citizens advice.

Friend that lived with two homes spending time with each divorced parent, had everything they needed at both homes so they weren't moving cases every week. Friends were welcome in both homes, went to athletics, swimming etc with the parent who had him at that time. I'd imagine it was expensive buying 2 lots of school kit etc but seemed to work for them. They maintained a united front, both to patents evening etc . Having two homes is stable better than being a "guest" in one with a suitcase
I feel you have to step aside on the days child isn't with you and allow the other parent to organise, personally he's taken responsibility to get your MIL to collect child. I'd only step in if child's safety was an issue( mil doesn't turn up , no car seat etc).
Yes I can only imagine how difficult it must be to "share" your child with another home but at least he wants contact which is good for your child . But if she's not happy, unsafe again seek legal advise.
PS ensure school etc correct contact info to ensure you both receive messages/report cards etc.

[Floridatilly]

What is the issue your ex has with your friends?
As for the 6/8 option with your daughter I would advise you both speak to her (depending on her age of course) when my sister split up with her husband they had joint custody of my nephew. His dad went on holiday with his mates for 10 days and my nephew was heartbroken and missed him so much, he cried every day about. He was fine with the joint custody of 3/4 days but any more time he would miss the other parent terribly (he was only young)
He is 18 now and has a very close / strong relationship with his mum & dad. His dad was (and still is) an absolute pig to my sister but still an amazing dad.
You may find 6/8 days is too long for your daughter to be away from one of her parents. Maybe suggest that you always collect from school if you live so close and he can collect her from you when he returns from work?
I am sorry you are going through this, sending my love x x x

[Bootrip2]

so sorry that you are having to deal with this - a friend of mine had a really messy divorce/child custody battle that went on for years. I would recommend seeing Citizens advice or some sort of legal advise - with questions about the house first of all, im pretty sure that he is trying to wear you down with his "demands" and that you will eventually just agree with everything he says. He may have already had lega advise and knows that he is not necessarily holding as many cards as he thought he would, so he will try to frighten you into submission.
Your house is your home and you should be able to have anyone there that you want providing your daughter is not in any danger, Are all his friends DBS checked? i suspect not! it sounds like he is trying to alienate you from friends again to wear you down.

do you have a close friend who could go with you to meeting CAB who can hopefully help you to recap all the information given.

Although you may not be happy about the school arrangements, it may actually be easier than having face to face confrontation with him every time there is handover, and if your DD is Ok with this.

i hope that you are managing this with the support of some close friends as it can be a very lonely journey with someone trying to get you down all the time. Huge Dibb hug. X

[Gryff]

I ma be wrong but has this just happened as a result of him seeing you out recently with friends
It reeks of coercive control from a distance have you consulted a family lawyer about child custody arrangements yes it might get dirty but 2 can play his game and at 11 your daughter has a say in what she wants as well