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Old 12 Aug 08, 07:08 PM  
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The Chronicles of Nana (& Grandad) Tour 2008 Day One

The Chronicles of Nana (& Grandad) Tour 2008 Day One

Welcome to the latest in a long line of trip reports from the Williams family. To give this report a new angle (and my do I need all the help I can get), we will be opening the phone lines at the end of each day for you to vote off the family member you least like. I won’t be up for eviction at any point, cos I’m taking the trouble of writing this thing so I get special treatment. You may think this isn’t the best idea in the world, but it hasn’t stopped every major channel in the UK using it for weekend prime time programmes for the past five years! Maybe not then eh?

Anyway to learn of the cast you wish? Well, I’m not bothering with one of those long introductions to everyone this time…if you’ve read one of these before you know, and if you don’t then just read the details of another report…it’s all there…go on, don’t be so lazy…what do you mean I’m lazy for not writing one…who’s report is this anyway?

So briefly, although, this brief intro is turning into quite a long one at this rate, and I could have told you in detail about the cast by now, but on principle I won’t…anyway as I was saying, briefly we are -

Craig, 37. One and only planner, rucksack molester and bum bag carrier.

Here I am with my new, improved, larger capacity fountain shaped rucksack in soft focus (ie blurred cos Louise took the photo).



Louise, ever so close to 40, medical facility tester, Craig tolerator and sun bather extraordinaire



Yeh, I know what you are all thinking….how did some gimp like me end up with someone as attractive as Louise? Well, apart from my obvious physical attributes I won’t go into here, most of the time Louise actually looks like this.



My girls (Louise’s too technically)….Emily 12 (but not for long) and Rebecca 11.

Here I thought I would demonstrate both my sad obsessive nature, and how the girls have grown in these photos. I only have from 2004, but I think you get the point.



2004



2005…the tracksuit years



2006



2007…The EMO has landed



and finally 2008….




So, the girls have grown up with and in Florida…pity I haven’t really.

Next, two guest stars, which last appeared on the Six Gain Flab in Disney Tour back in 2005….

Nana and Grandad. My Mum and Dad, Tony and Margaret. Florida veterans, seasoned theme park commandos and senior moment professionals, Dad especially.





I’ll let you guess which is which.

Continued...
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Old 12 Aug 08, 07:09 PM  
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And yes, as ever we took Ryan and his “companion” Rosie. Whatever….



That may sound a little off hand and dismissive, but hey, how would you feel if you were upstaged by your own rucksack whilst on holiday. You’ll have to stick with me almost to the end for the full story on that one.

Comes to something when your old bag is more popular than you are (Louise, rest assured I mean the rucksack).

Anyway, more of that later.

So that is who went. We went on the 24th of July until the 7th of August. A new thing for us, as we normally go later in August, and now we know why. It was BUSY!

Anyway, on we go to what we did.

Our tale actually starts on the evening of the 23rd of July, and almost gave me the title for this report. I am at Mum & Dad’s having dropped off our cases, ready for the taxi pick up in the morning. Dad is telling me (all too late of course) about a bloke at his golf club, who when discussing our upcoming trip tells him he has a 5 bed villa near to where we are staying, which we could have had for a shiny penny and rub down with an oily rag. No good to us now is it Tony! Dad tells me that it must be near to where we are staying, but the chap at the Golf Club didn’t know of the villa development we were on.

Really I say, he’s never heard of Westridge?

Ah, says Dad, WestRIDGE…I told him we were on WESTLIFE!

I see says I, that must be next door to those other well known villa communities Take That, 911, and East 17.

So this trip was almost named the “Flying without Wings Tour”, as the Westlife faux pas was oft repeated by the girls throughout the holiday much to Grandad’s delight.

So we’re off with the first senior moment of the Tour, and we haven’t even hit the airport yet.

So fast forward to the following morning, and I am up and awake (you can’t really be the former without the latter and do anything constructive) at 6.15. It’s my turn for a shower this week, so I enjoy that, and we are surprisingly organised. Organised enough for me to take various photos of the kids, animals etc before Dad arrives at 7am.

Phoebe, how I hate this cat….



Daisy, the youngest and not yet had time to incur my full wrath, but it is inevitable I shall hate her also



and Henry, our first family pet, and the only one I can tolerate really.



all saunter about the decking/garden as I zip up bags, organise kids, lock things and write lists for house sitters.

Rebecca is of course up and dressed way before Emily, as Emily has developed the bed magnet bug which kicks again at around 12. Emily is at this point being dragged from her pit by Louise and being told that the GHDs will be applied to all her newly acquired body hair unless she is up and dressed, hey and maybe even washed, in the next ten minutes.

The traditional shot is captured…



not helped by the sunlight streaming in behind the girls.

So far so good. I have been up 45 minutes and not one disaster…but there is time yet.

Dad takes us back to his house to await the taxi, and we have a cup of tea. Amazingly the taxi arrives at 7.25, a whole five minutes early, and we quickly load the cases, parents and kids into the relevant slots and set off for the airport.

I have the seat of death, next to the driver. This means I have to endure the horror of engaging in conversation with him for the next forty minutes. I’m not good at this, particularly this early. I can’t bring my self to do the Peter Kay thing…(What time you on till? Been busy? Etc) but I do have a decent go at conversing, but I am hindered by the fact that I cannot understand a word he is saying. His accent is very thick, and as the journey unfolds it also becomes apparent that he hasn’t slept for at least 72 hours.

Louise prods me in the back to tell me he keeps nodding off, and I am to keep him talking to avoid a thirty two vehicle pile up on the M60. Great…

I do my best, basically just doing lots of smiling and nodding..we discuss Golf (the car), flight prices to India and Orlando, which of course are directly comparable, and several other topics I just glided through with grunted agreements and winning smiles.

Finally we reach Terminal 2 alive. We quickly spot the Continental check in desks, and having checked in online yesterday (how jet set are we?) we simply approach the first class check in desk to leave our luggage.

We exchange greetings and passports (why she gave me hers I don’t know), oh, and by the way there is a two hour delay which means you miss your Newark connection, all flights today are full, so you are booked on a flight tomorrow lunch time to Orlando.

Exsqueeze me….?

The third time she said it, it still did not sink in. But, there had been stormy weather over Newark, which has delayed all flights. So did Continental do the decent thing and put us up in a top New York Hotel. No!

It was an Act of God, being the weather, and therefore they are giving us the glorious compensation of a £3 drinks voucher, EACH! Woo hoo, Starbucks brace yourself, we’re gonna share a coffee.

I am still in shock at this point, but have the sense to go to the Continental Customer Service Desk and ask if they have internet access with which I can book hotel rooms in Newark. They don’t but they do have a phone and a list of hotels, so I start dialling. Bearing in mind that it is around 3am in New York, I wake several hotel staff at the first three hotels, before finally securing two rooms at the Wyndham Gardens, which is “on airport”. $130 a room, first dent in the credit card, but at least we have a bed for the night.

We are gutted.

To make up for this in some small way we decide to walk to T1, to enjoy an enormous breakfast, funded entirely by our lavish vouchers from Continental. It is a long way to T1, and we get there to find that it has been closed. Well, not closed really, but all the eating and shopping bits are behind security so you can only get to them if you are flying from T1.

A sense of it not being our day begins to emerge, and we slowly trudge back to T2, hungry, and not H A P P Y.

See…



We go through security in T2 now hoping for good eats there. Mum & Dad fall foul of the 100ml limit on their shampoo and sun tan cream, and another bit of stock finds its way onto the security guy’s eBay shop.

We find a food court thing, and order stuff. It is OK and £35. Having filled a corner, and determined to look on the bright side we make our way through to departures, and do the shopping thing.

I am drawn to Dixons Duty Free like Oprah to a doughnut, and I am soon entranced by some woman giving a HD camcorder demo. Dad escapes leaving me to weigh up the physical pain I would experience if I dumped £400 on such a toy.

Sense prevails and I leave the shop with two DS games for the girls which were on BOGOF. Both the girls and Louise assured me I made the correct decision.

So we visit WH Smith’s, and judging by the amount Louise spent they have started selling diamonds since last year.

We find some seats and wait a lot.

We have a Starbucks….we wait some more…..I remember we have those drinks vouchers, so we have another Starbucks….and wait some more.

You get the idea.

At long last 2.25 arrives and we see the Gate number on the board and we wander down and board. We take off on time, well no, we take off bloody late, but on time as in the new delayed time.

The plane was OK, decent leg room, not seat back TVs but the over heads were OK.



The first few hours are OK, as we read, sleep, colour in…yes I know colour in, at that age…but if it keeps Louise quiet!

Continued...
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Old 12 Aug 08, 07:12 PM  
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As boredom creeps in, out creeps the camera for some silly face shots.



Yes, that IS a silly face, not my normal one.



and we take some scenic shots of clouds and wings and stuff.





I reported the bent wing to the cabin staff immediately, and they appear to have removed it as a precaution.



More clouds…



Stuff on the ground




Continued...
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Old 12 Aug 08, 07:22 PM  
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Bits of New York…



I threw my camera to Dad at this point as the best views were on his side….he was incapable of using the ever so complex zoom function, so the “I got some great shots of the Statue of Liberty” weren’t so great.

Can you spot it?



Landing at Newark takes an age, we seem to circle the same landmarks ten times, but eventually we are down at 5.20 local time.

I still have a vain hope that we could get on a later flight down to Orlando tonight, but I don’t say this out loud as it won’t come true.

So we leave the plane and enter the immigration hall. Naturally after a six hour flight sat three yards from a toilet, every female in the party immediately needs to visit the restroom, so I sit looking out at the New York sky line, trying to ignore the rest of the passengers pile past me to create a nice long queue.

Having obluted to their satisfaction we join the lovely long queue, and eventually join a smaller queue at one of the desks. We are the third party in line, and unfortunately we have been allocated one of those friendly immigration folk, who lull you into a false sense of security before inspecting your every orifice with a wire brush and dettol.

He takes an age to process people. He’s taken so long with the family before us that they are saying tearful goodbyes and shaking hands!

Finally we are summoned, and it is always a test I feel to ignore the fact that you are knackered, desperate to get out of the airport, and pretend to find the jokes funny. Double this today, as I want to race to a Continental desk to see if we can be strapped to the undercarriage of any aircraft passing anywhere in the vicinity of Florida.

He stamps things, he takes photos (bit of a weird personal collection he must have) and fingerprints us. He spots that Emily has a birthday coming up soon, so makes many hilarious gags about that, but finally we are done, and only have to wait the same amount of time whilst he processes Mum & Dad. I just pray Dad behaves himself, or we’ll be visiting him in choky, and warning him about Mr Big who’s in with the warders.

Our luggage is off the carousel and waiting for us by now, so I collect and head for the exit, only to be thwarted by the girls needing the loo again. They have their mother’s bladder…which might explain why Louise always needs the loo. I must get them to give it back.

Finally we are all through and we find our way to the exit area. There is an enormous queue for something which we thankfully ignore and head right where we see a helpful looking woman in a uniform.

I explain our predicament, several times, so she can understand my accent, and she nods, several times, and says…

OK, just join that queue over there and see a representative who will help you.


AAAAAGGGGHHHHH

Naturally, the queue has doubled in size since we walked past it scornfully.

So we wait. It takes ages to get to be seen, and we explain our plight again. For not the first time today (and it won’t be the last) I stand and watch a woman tap at a keyboard for about a week and a half to do what on the face of it should be a fairly simple task. Whoever develops the software these guys use wants sacking.

About forty billion keystrokes later, we have stand by boarding cards for a flight to Orlando at 8.44. She predicts that due to all the disruption today many people will miss this flight and we have a good chance of getting on.

Uplifted by this cast iron guarantee we drop our bags and catch the monorail to Terminal C.

I think this is the view from said monorail.



We arrive at Terminal C, and the events of the next few moments should not really be shared here. All I will say is that if you find yourself in Terminal C at Newark, give Trap 2 in the gents a wide berth for the next few months.

With a weight lifted, we saunter down to the gate area and find seats. We need food at this point and we grab some burgers and fries from one of the several hundred food court options at Newark…are you watching Manchester.

Emily declares the chicken burger, the best she has ever had, and we sit and eat and look out of windows at New York in the distance.





We drop Jakki a text to let her know of our predicament, and wait a little while more.

It is time for boarding, and never having been on standby before we loiter near the gate hoping for direction or inspiration from someone. We get neither as we discover that the 8.44 flight is delayed until 10pm, as one of the crew is missing.

My mind races with mental images of a Rambo style hunting down of said crew member, where I strangle them to death with their own crimplene trouser suit.

We have also spotted a crowd about the size of the entire population of Wales waiting on standby, and so with this in mind, and the delay we decide to sack it off, admit defeat and go to the hotel for the night. On the way out, to make sure, I call at a Continental desk to make absolutely sure that –

a) We are on tomorrow’s flight
b) Our luggage will also be on it, and not either in Orlando, endlessly circling a baggage carousel or back in Manchester.

We endure another queue, and painfully slowly, we edge towards being served. As I approach the “rep”, she looks at me with a pained expression and says…

Oh, I just have to go on my break, I am so tired!

Dad prevents me from dragging her across the counter by her nostril hair, and I spit phlegm and vitriol in her direction. Having been up for nearly 24 hours now, patience is not in abundance in Chez Williams.

Her colleague spots my tantrum and serves me instead. Again, more endless tapping on a keyboard, only interrupted to start helping her mate next to her deal with his customer. I am about to commit a horrendous act upon her person when she finally confirms that we are indeed on tomorrow’s flight, and our cases won’t get on the stand by flight unless we do.

Anyone wanna bet!

So, off to the hotel. Newark airport is about the size of Switzerland, so this sounded easier than it actually was. Endless escalators, and asking staff followed, as we eventually find our way to a pick up point where the hotel’s shuttle operates from. This involved another monorail trip…at this point I was up for mantengaseing alejado somebody’s puertas, I can tell you.

Leaving the airport, I am stuck behind some gimp pulling two enormous cases. He was one of those new men types, you know all, Car from BMW, kids from Fame, and wardrobe from Armani…whereas I am more Car from Arthur Daley, Kids from hell and wardrobe from Ikea.

I tut for England and finally get around him. The shuttle bus arrives as we do, see, everything is going smoothly, and we are on, and away. The hotel is quite close to the airport, but the route to it is horrendous and takes 15 minutes at least. We dash to reception to avoid queuing behind every ###### else on the shuttle, and I am stunned and amazed to find that we do indeed have two rooms reserved.

Finally sensing sleep, we take the lift and enter our rooms. Three seconds in Louise says she can’t stay in this room as it smells of unmentionable bodily fluids, and I put my clothes back on (why I took them off in the lift I don’t know), and she heads to reception to sort it.

She returns with another room (how she carried it I’m not sure), and we are off again.

Finally at 10pm local time, 3am UK time my head hits a pillow in this room.



I ain’t happy, and this had better start getting better or I may well have to throw a tantrum.

Tomorrow - More Journey!
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Old 12 Aug 08, 07:23 PM  
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Been looking forward to this.

Hope tomorrow gets better!
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Old 12 Aug 08, 07:27 PM  
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:)

Originally Posted by mkingdon View Post
It was an Act of God, being the weather, and therefore they are giving us the glorious compensation of a £3 drinks voucher, EACH! Woo hoo, Starbucks brace yourself, we’re gonna share a coffee.
A horrid start to your holiday but your Starbuck comment had me lmao



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Old 12 Aug 08, 07:28 PM  
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Yay! At last! Get typing quicker ... I go away next week
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Old 12 Aug 08, 07:33 PM  
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Not the best start but its good to see you managed to keep you sense of humour

Now hurry up with part 2 please
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Old 12 Aug 08, 07:46 PM  
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shame about the delay, cant wait to hear about the rest of your trip.
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Old 12 Aug 08, 07:50 PM  
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Welcome home Craig and family. What a nightmare start to your holiday. I hope it gets better from here for your sakes
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