So I told my girlfriend

[cartoonp]

I did all of my Christmas shopping today. BUT NEVER AGAIN ON BLACK FRIDAY!

The pushing, the shoving, the kicking, the eye-gouging, the punching, the overall total evil and violence, the screaming and all of the vicious and uncalled-for name-calling! Never again!

And that was just what happened at home while I was shopping online on the computer. My wife and cat are just so impatient!

[51-a- good year]

It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man.. women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what this Country has become, all because of snowflakes.

[cartoonp]

ONE POTATO, TWO POTATO

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.’ Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw.

Because he's just...

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?
*
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*
OK!

Here it is!
*
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A COMMONTATER!

[Mr Tom Morrow]

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes.

Not everyone can pea soup.

[Bovril]

Many years ago our son came home from school and said look at what you could have won, there's nothing in this game for two in a bed, if you miss all you get is bfh bus fare home and tonights star prize is a speedboat,

Ok I said to him are you being bullied at school?

[cartoonp]

URGENT !

*** Advice needed! ***
The kids keep finding their Christmas presents that I have hidden around the house... someone suggested I put them up the loft, so I did that last night...
literally, I had no sleep! 😴😡
All I could hear was them crying and moaning about spiders, ‘it’s too dark’ and wanting to be let back down 🙄🙄
any other suggestions please?

[cartoonp]

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?' 'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly. 'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?' Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'

[Mr Tom Morrow]

A Policeman on a horse says to a little girl on a bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

[cartoonp]

I was in the fight of my life.

Dozens of crazed assassins were attacking me from all sides. It was like some kind of scene from a zombie film. These assassins were relentless.

I would defeat one of them just to have another jump on my back or grab my legs in an attempt to get me down to the ground to beat me to a pulp and take whatever property I was carrying on me.

The carnage was unbelievable. Bodies were strewn all over the place and, yet, still hundreds more awaited their chance to kill or maim me. There didn't seem to be any end to these psychopathic killers wanting a piece of me.

After waking up from that nightmare this morning, I told my wife that is the last time I go shopping for her in the Ladies Department at Wal-Mart during the Christmas season...

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Did you hear that William Shatner’s lingerie company went out of business?

Turns out no one wanted to buy underwear from a place called Shatner Panties.

An Economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife.
While he proudly announced to the Salesgirl that he is an Economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.
The Salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra?"

Of course, our Economist was intrigued and he asked, "What are they?"

Salesgirl : "Sir, capitalistic suppresses the masses, socialistic uplifts the downtrodden and democratic makes mountains out of molehills."