Stopping smoking

[Princess Ariel]

DH (46) has smoked since he was a teenager. He smokes roll ups (about 7-8 a day) and is classed as obese (BMI 31)
I have never smoked and it’s always been a bit of an issue between us as I absolutely hate it and have often tried to encourage him to quit.
He had a telephone consultation with the GP today as we suspect he may have sleep apnea. He has been referred to a sleep clinic but the GP also said he should stop smoking and try to lose weight (no surprise there).
We are both planning to try and lose some weight and be a bit more healthy in the new year anyway but the stopping smoking has caused two huge rows between us this afternoon.

He is still showing no interest at all in stopping and I’m finding it so hard to respect this decision. His dad has heart problems and has had a pacemaker fitted and his nan had type 2 diabetes and vascular dementia so his risk of developing heart failure/stroke/dementia or heart attack is so high and I’m just finding it so frustrating that he’s being so stubborn about this. Honestly the excuses he comes up with are infuriating! (It’s not the nicotine he needs but the hand to mouth action and if he quits smoking he would probably eat more was one of them!)
Even our 12 yo DS said a couple of weeks ago he wishes he would quit because he’s scared something will happen to him and even this hasn’t been enough to make him consider quitting.
Sorry I know there are no answers I just needed to let it all out somewhere before I explode at him. (We currently aren’t talking) the last couple of days have just been one thing after another!

[Jan]

Some people are just unfathomable!

[2point]

Perhaps it all too much at the same time, the sleeping, the smoking, the weight and other pressures just before Xmas. He might feel that he's the 'problem' and all the actions are on him.

Maybe just concentrate on the weight loss together, get some positive action there then tackle the smoking later?

[Princess Ariel]

Originally Posted by Jan

Some people are just unfathomable!

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Oh thank god someone agrees with me! I literally cannot talk to him anymore because I’m so frustrated at him!

He has always been a very laid back and unmotivated person and I can sort of live with that side of him (I’m not perfect by any means either) but on this issue I’m finding it so hard to not be really angry with him, I just think it’s so selfish to not even try and stop.

[Princess Ariel]

Originally Posted by 2point

Perhaps it all too much at the same time, the sleeping, the smoking, the weight and other pressures just before Xmas. He might feel that he's the 'problem' and all the actions are on him.

Maybe just concentrate on the weight loss together, get some positive action there then tackle the smoking later?

See more...

Yes you may have a point here, the losing weight and being more healthy is very much a joint thing and always has been. He’s a very negative person though which I find hard, for example today I suggested going for a walk together to get some fresh air and exercise and his response was ‘no it’s raining’. I didn’t push it but after his consultation we were discussing things again and I said that we both need to get out and move more and again it’s just excuses why we can’t/don’t. (It’s raining or cold etc) I then got so frustrated we ended up arguing because I just feel like I am the only one trying to make any positive changes to our lifestyle and he’s just not motivated in any way to do so.

[Princess Ariel]

Can I just say he is a lovely person, he supports me in any way he can and is always there for me and the kids.
He is just very negative and unmotivated in ever making any changes to his or our lives, he’s very stuck in his ways (his dad is exactly the same!) I’m just aware he may be coming across as a horrible and selfish person and he’s really not generally.

[Sparksy72]

It is a tricky one. I had a family member who smoked for 40 years and was encouraged to give up for health reasons. He went down the route of Hypnosis and literally stopped immediately. I’m not sure if it was the hypnosis or the ‘suggestion’ of hypnosis but he hasn’t smoked since and does not have the urge. I hope you are able to come to a compromise that you are both happy with, I can only imagine how difficult it is for you both. Xx

[captain-codeye]

Originally Posted by Jan

Some people are just unfathomable!

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Your right and that’s from an ex smoker.

Like the op’s husband I smoked from 14 years old and very heavily, I stopped cold turkey 15 months ago and had been on 40 a day for over 20 years.

I was also (and still am&#128514 overweight and very laid back!

I knew the risks, I knew it stunk like hell, I knew the kids hated it, knew it was costing me a fortune to kill my self and worse of all it was controlling my life.

I was was at the point where I would wake in the night for one, planing journeys where I can stop , not going to meals and out with friends where I couldn’t smoke, i knew every smoking area in every Florida theme park without a map and would plan out fast passes around them😬

But still I chose to carry on, like you said un fathomable why but I did.

I still to this day can’t tell you what made me stop but one morning I woke up and whilst coughing my guts up like normal something clicked, I had 200 in the cupboard and I binned the lot and never looked back.

I have honestly never even held one let alone smoked one since, the smell now discussed me and I feel nothing but pity for anyone I see smoking.

All I can tell you is that nagging, pressure etc won’t help, unless he’s ready just give up telling him your wasting your time, I know I was there.

I’m sorry I can’t tell you what triggered me to stop but when he’s ready he will, I can tell you however that it was very easy and the thought of giving up was harder than than the actual event, but I wouldn’t have believed that if anyone told me!

[Princess Ariel]

Originally Posted by captain-codeye

Your right and that’s from an ex smoker.

Like the op’s husband I smoked from 14 years old and very heavily, I stopped cold turkey 15 months ago and had been on 40 a day for over 20 years.

I was also (and still am&#128514 overweight and very laid back!

I knew the risks, I knew it stunk like hell, I knew the kids hated it, knew it was costing me a fortune to kill my self and worse of all it was controlling my life.

I was was at the point where I would wake in the night for one, planing journeys where I can stop , not going to meals and out with friends where I couldn’t smoke, i knew every smoking area in every Florida theme park without a map and would plan out fast passes around them😬

But still I chose to carry on, like you said un fathomable why but I did.

I still to this day can’t tell you what made me stop but one morning I woke up and whilst coughing my guts up like normal something clicked, I had 200 in the cupboard and I binned the lot and never looked back.

I have honestly never even held one let alone smoked one since, the smell now discussed me and I feel nothing but pity for anyone I see smoking.

All I can tell you is that nagging, pressure etc won’t help, unless he’s ready just give up telling him your wasting your time, I know I was there.

I’m sorry I can’t tell you what triggered me to stop but when he’s ready he will, I can tell you however that it was very easy and the thought of giving up was harder than than the actual event, but I wouldn’t have believed that if anyone told me!

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Thank you for posting this, I think that’s why I’m so frustrated, I know he has to want to stop (I also believe when that day comes he will be able to stop like you relatively easily) I think it’s the thought of it that’s worse than the actual doing it.
We’ve left it for now, hopefully that day will come for him eventually.
Secondly well done to you for stopping so successfully! (I hope that doesn’t come across as patronising) It’s amazing once you set your mind to it that it can be done, I’m a MH nurse with older adults and last year we changed to a no smoking hospital, I thought it would cause riots with our elderly patients who have smoked for years but they were all amazing and accepted the patches and did t make any fuss about not smoking at all!

[marlouwrig]

In my experience if you are truly hooked it's well nigh impossible to stop unless you, yourself really, really want to. The motivation has to come from within and not from someone telling you how bad it is for you or because you want to please someone else.

I know because I smoked 40 Rothmans a day for 10 years up to the age of 25. Because I knew it was bad for me I did try to give up many times by cutting down etc. but the motivation just wasn't there. My motivation was that we wanted so badly to be able to afford to buy our own house and the price had just reached £1 for a pack of 20 I went cold turkey and threw the last pack away (with 3 left in it) and I have never had one since. For years I woke up in a cold sweat at the point in my dream where I was standing in the pub and someone had just offered me a cigarette, which I had just put to my mouth, and I still can't just sit and watch TV without something to do with my hands!

Smoking now disgusts me and I haven't had one for over 40 years.