"Vi kommer til å trenge en større båt!"

[JamelUK]

WARNING!

The following Trip Report is a rambling reflection on life and the little challenges it presents us, laid out in a Carry On Innuendo style that some have found inappropriate or offensive.

IF YOU DONT FIND OBSERVATIONAL SATIRE FUNNY - PLEASE LOOK AWAY NOW!

For everyone else with a sense of humour, please pull up a chair & make yourself comfortable.
Consider yourself warned!

See more...

>>NEXT = Day 1

In the beginning, the Earth came to be.


Some folk with pointy hats in Rome believe this was the result of 6 days hard work by some supreme celestial deity...

...because it said so in a book.

Some may argue that if you spend too long sitting in a confined building with a very big incense burner, you'll pretty much believe anything.


Others have read another book, and have somehow been able to understand more than just the index.


Stephen Hawkin's "A Brief History Of Time" is loaded with pages of language only a person wearing tin foil around their head would understand but it does, eventually, suggest that everything, the Earth included, was created in some kind of horrible road traffic accident involving bits of science so rare that, relatively speaking, they don’t even exist.

We won’t know for certain who is right or wrong until the folks over at CERN sort out their multimillion dollar underground Homer Simpson's fantasy size donut contraption and shoot that rather inconsiderate pigeon who keeps dropping tiny bits of Emmental into the most inappropriate places.


Either way we ended up as passengers on a giant space hopper hurtling through space.


Being sensible human beings we decided to take up residence on the solid, hard bit of the Earth, known as The Land.


We toiled hard with the land, and it rewarded us. It provided us with crops from which we could eat, and from trees we could cut down wood and make our homes.


Yes, we have done well to tame The Land. Especially this guy...


Unfortunately though, the greater percentage of the Earth's surface is covered in this stuff...


In contrast to the Land, we have struggled to manage the overwhelming power of the Earth's oceans. They're wet and very cold.


Even when we paid extra for pool heating, no amount of Killer Whale shaped inflatable’s were going to save us from viscous rip curls and a reserved suite at Davey Jones' Locker.

It soon dawned on us that maybe, if we could cross to the other side of the water, there could be other expanses of land and other people.

So we set about building boats.

With only wood, and no YouTube "HowTo" videos available on the subject, our first efforts weren't the best.


Soon though we got the habit of it and became expert sailors, discovering different continents and new civilisations. We were always greeted with a warm reception.


Thanks to Archimedes and his Eureka moment with his rubber ducky in the bath, we figured we could actually get heavy steel to float, and soon we built great ships to carry hundreds of people across the Atlantic.


With a bit more practice, we actually got quite good at it, and in more recent years many people have chosen to go "Cruising" as a form of holiday.

This brings me in a neat, concise and not at all dragged out way to the point of this Trippie.

Mel and I are going cruising. Oh now, stop it.

[JamelUK]

You are probably wondering how we got to this stage.

Even if you aren't I’m afraid I’m going to have to tell you as I feel it is important for you to better understand this Trippie, and besides - I’m the caring & sharing type.

Let’s wind the clock back to when we last sat down for a chat like this.

You may remember we had just landed back in December '09 from a fabulous fortnight in Orlando and just managed to get in through our front door before the weather decided to inflict what seemed like 20 years of arctic winter upon us.


We are northern and hard as nails, so we survived thanks to our trusty X-Trail, which became invaluable in getting us anywhere.


Not so much for the snow, but to get us over the numerous pot holes which now litter the majority of public highways.
There is one just down the road from us which is currently home to Tony Robinson and the Channel 4 Time Team.


In the following months, much has happened.

Most significant was the battle of two keen young whipper snappers trying to evict a deluded and senile old man from the posh house he'd been squatting in.


On 3 separation occasions we watched them audition in a beautifully orchestrated personality contest.

The two potential replacements having their own argument - "If I’m bringing the ball & stumps we will be playing by my rules...", "Ah, but I’m bringing the bat and bails so I think we should play by my rules..."
Any attempt by the previous referee to offer his own solution was met with a quick retort - "Shut up Grandad!"

I do think the Leaders Debates would have been much more fun if they had included the SyCo style big red buzzers so that we, the voters, could interrupt when appropriate and provide constructive criticism - "You're talking Bobbins! Get Off!"

Soon after the country decided that the best option was for Grandad to be pushed off into a home, and that the two youngsters should shake hands and learn how to play nicely together.

So far, so good - and it wasn’t long before they had their first crisis to consider.



Bare witness folks to the perils you can suffer if you don’t employ a Corgi certified plumber.

Some cowboy decided to use that age old shortcut - "Well it nearly fits. I’ll just wrap some PTFE tape around it. It’ll be fine..."

11 dead and an escalating ecological disaster would suggest otherwise.

I remember being told once that oily fish is good for you.
I’m not quite sure this is what they meant.


As the beaches many of us are so fond of are threatened by the black ooze, Mr Obama is ever so politely suggesting that BP's Chief Exec Tony Hayward needs to do a little more than use a few cans of Swarfega.


Personally, I think I’ve figured the perfect solution. Would you like to hear it?

100,000 South African Football fans all blowing their Vuvuzelas the same way.


Sorted. Although I bet you're not quite so keen on hearing my idea any more are you?

Yes, the other major event worthy of mention is of course the world cup.

22 outrageously over paid prima donnas run around a field for oooh, maybe 35 minutes if you're lucky, trying to kick a ball of wind between 4 posts as many times as they can before one of them either gets a paper cut or breaks their toe nail.

You may gather I’m not a big fan of the "beautiful" game. There's not enough overtaking.

As I type this, the vast majority of the country is just sitting down to watch England take on Algeria.
The streets are deserted. Our pizza take out is quoting me at least 40 minutes for delivery tonight. Anyone would think we'd gone to war.

So while everyone concentrates on other matters, let me take a few quiet moments to bring you up to speed with things closer to home.

I continue to job hunt. Opportunities come, opportunities go. Interviews come, interviews go.
You win some, you lose some. What else can you do?

Sure, this is getting quite boring and frustrating now, but I do my best to battle on and if I could get paid for making a career out of finding a career I think I’d be Chief Exec by now.

Of course this doesn’t always help the confused bit of sponge between my ears.

Some may have noticed my absence. I’m not being rude, nor am I ignoring you all.
Just sometimes I need to concentrate on other matters.

I won’t lie - I have the occasional "brain fart" as I call them, but I know how to deal with them and all is good.
Everything is okay. Thanks for asking.

Apart from the lack of money.
If anyone would like to sponsor and pay for Mel and I to go to Orlando this year, we promise to write up an AMAZING Trip Report
and I’m prepared to share publishing royalties with you.

You may be asking yourself then, how on earth can we pay for a Cruise?

Allow me to introduce you to the cast for this trip.
It’s the same family gathering you got to know and love from our "Topps Gear Challenge" to Disneyland Paris.

Mel's Mum & Dad, her Sister Lindsay and her family.

I am, without doubt, a lucky bar steward.

Once again I need to thank my amazing and wonderful wife Melanie for putting up with me and my head,
and for working all hours God sends to keep a roof over our heads and food on our plates.

Her father Bill is a wonderful, *wonderful* man who likes sharing his retirement money and his holidays with his two daughters.

Mel's mum Christine is sadly wheelchair bound as a result of a stroke a few years ago. Keen for them to still enjoy themselves, Bill decided cruising was an easy way for them to get around the world.
And they have - several times already! In fact, they're actually cruising on board Azura right now - we will catch up with them as they do one of their regular back to back cruises.
Bill gets a phenomenal discount for us - he is on first name terms with all the Captains and the staff pipe him on board.

He persuaded Mel and Lindsay to go cruising with them, bringing Matt, the kids and me with them.

Well you can’t turn down an offer like that can you? Although I’ll admit I did have my reservations at first.

If you’ve never been cruising yourself, you are probably having the same thoughts as I was...




In addition, one of my greatest fears is drowning.

It’s not that I can’t swim. Neither has it anything to do with not having sea legs.

My father is a keen swimmer, and in his former years a champion yachtsman.

As soon as we were able to walk, my siblings and I were whisked off to Coniston where he ceremoniously pushed us off the end of a pier,
telling us "We need to see if your life jacket works"

We never did get a proper answer to our question of "What Lifejacket?!" as we coughed up the cold lake water from our lungs.

By the age of 10 I was happy sailing my own Mirror dinghy and playing Swallows & Amazons; racing my older brother and sister to Peel Island.

It was just the thought of being on a great big ship, in the middle of a huge expanse of water, miles and many minutes away from any help.
Coupled with my big sister's love of the Poseidon Adventure which results in me knowing - "In Case of Emergency - Find a Christmas Tree"

However, I put my fears aside and we took our first cruise on board P&O's Oceana in 2006, doing a short week trip to Spain & Portugal.

We had such a good time that Mel & I quickly booked up for a 2 week med cruise on the RCI Navigator the following year.
It was quite simply - BRILLIANT!

And therein lays a small problem.
Mel and I prefer RCI.

But Bill is now a P&O Gold member, and so we can’t persuade him away.

Not that P&O isn’t very good. No, they do a fantastic job.
The ships are incredible, and if we are honest we think they do better food than RCI.

It’s just that RCI is more our type of "thing" - especially when it comes to entertainment.

We actually cruised the Fjords on Ventura's maiden year in 2008. That's why we are going back - the Fjords are simply breathtaking.

But the onboard entertainment was "sub-optimal" to say the least.

They originally marketed Ventura as "The Family Ship", in a desperate attempt to try and win some of the business which RCI were rolling in.

Nightly we would watch alleged comedians die a horrible death on stage. Most would actually admit themselves that their material just wasn’t working.
Trying to put alternative Comedy Store rejects on board a ship whose regular clientele are generally much more Bob Monkhouse was never going to work.
It was embarrisng and uncomfortable to watch.

In the evening we were invited to watch these guys...


Yes, you have seen them before. On Britain's Got Talent.
They are an Adagio acrobatic duo called Crazee Horse.

Don’t get me wrong - they are very clever.
When you see them for the first time.

But not when it’s the ONLY show the ship had for the entire week.
Dressing it up with a different name, different costumes and different music every night didn’t fool anyone.
It was still the same couple doing the exact same act.

We reached the stage where we were willing him to drop her, or to break a wrist or something - just to add a new dimension to their routine.

So when Bill suggested we do the Fjords again this year on Ventura's sister ship Azura a few eye brows were raised out of his sight.
Sure, happy to go - but the entertainment better be good.

To be fair, with Lindsay and her kids coming along it won’t be hard for us to generate our own Entertainment.
If you’ve not read The Topps Gear Challenge already, you'll just have to trust me on that one.

So we are going. Less than a week now.

We set off down to Southampton on Jun 24th.
I am wondering if we will be the only car on the M6 that isn’t a VW camper van emblazoned with sun flowers, as this will also be the day that the eco friendly world, his life partner and their free range hens make their way to Glastonbury.


Departing from Southampton on Friday 25th around 4pm, we will then head along the East coast of the UK making our way back North to the North Sea.
This of course makes our trip down to Southampton seem a little pointless. I really can’t understand why P&O can’t build a terminal at Skegness to better serve their Northern customers.
I suppose it gives us a chance to count the cones along the M3 and ensure that our Road Tax is being well spent.

After a full day at sea on the 26th, we will then visit Stavanger, Geiranger, Olden & Bergen - returning to Southampton in the early hours of Thursday 2nd July.

I am deeply humbled that so many of you are keen that I write up a Trippie for this nautical jaunt.

No pressure there then?!

I can’t promise it will be any good.

I’ll do my best, but just to set your expectations correctly, you should take a look at this...


Enjoy!

>>NEXT = Day 1

[christybell]

Awhh brilliant James, I've missed ya,

Looking forward to hearing all about this trip.

Have a great time

[Guest]

Genius Love your style, a great read and can't wait to hear all about your trip - have a fab time

[sunjue100]

Excellent ! The trailer is brilliant, really enjoyed your last trip reports and looking forward to this one

[chaffey]

Have a fab time and look forward to hearing all about it when you get back

[jdybnsn]

OMG James !... have you ever thought of donating your brain to medical science after your death ?

...

[Guest]

well that brightened up my morning...and your last clip may have put me off cruising for life, I'd rather ride the very-scary-where's-the-sick-bag Hulk than go cruising in that weather!

[mossyflossy]

What a lovely treat to wake up to!

Thanks James and Mel!

I've just sat here giggling at the picture of the fat man in the boat, smiled at the Fingerbobs picture, and am I the only one who covets the flowerpower van because I think it looks pretty?!

Looking fjordward to more, glad to hear all is still OK James, we're all here for you if you ever need to sound off xxxx

[Cinnabon]

Love it james, have a great trip.