Family advice

[munmun]

Originally Posted by di5ney

Dh has and they have denied it but will happily tell him everything they have been doing with his 2 nieces… it is unbelievable!

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I do hear what you are saying and can understand but I also think that to discard any relationship in this way is very sad.

[megaflyer]

Sorry I misread that the things they were bringing over were things (toys) broken beyond repair ie rubbish. If they are things your kids could play with then why not ? Or take them to charity

My point about not taking back to their doorstep remains - I find that sad

[Rozzyb2011]

Hi, you can't choose your family and just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you have to put up with being treated badly. Using the life is too short excuse just doesn't cut it, I think the previous suggestion of writing a note saying all future deliveries will be given away/binned is an excellent one. I hope you, DH and DDs are OK and your in laws realise eventually what they have missed out on but I fear the damage is done. I personally would, and have done what you have x

[ScoopsAhoy]

Op, if you and dh feel it’s a toxic relationship then you have every right to go no contact and return the “gifts”. It’s obvious it’s because they think this is a way of showing them attention but it’s not, it’s lazy and I struggle to see why other can’t see that but maybe it’s because they have never had issues like this within their own families.
I too would return anything as actual physical attention is worth so much more than cash and toys and if they can’t give that then they should just stay away.

[di5ney]

Originally Posted by ScoopsAhoy

Op, if you and dh feel it’s a toxic relationship then you have every right to go no contact and return the “gifts”. It’s obvious it’s because they think this is a way of showing them attention but it’s not, it’s lazy and I struggle to see why other can’t see that but maybe it’s because they have never had issues like this within their own families.
I too would return anything as actual physical attention is worth so much more than cash and toys and if they can’t give that then they should just stay away.

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This sums it up perfectly. Thanks!

[Rebelrebel]

One thing to think about is that some strange people take great delight in upsetting others and getting a reaction, maybe deal it in a way that will not 'delight' them

[munmun]

My husband and I didn't have a great relationship with his mother, from my point of view at that time it was all about her behavior. With age I have been able to do thinking and reflection and can now come to an understanding of the way she behaved and why it was and how my behavior to her affected her response. I can begin to understand her mental health and how her life experience made her the way she was.

It still was not good but I am pleased we didn't exclude her from our life. I am not being critical of the OP I am just aware that time, distance and reflection can help understanding.

[munmun]

Originally Posted by Rebelrebel

One thing to think about is that some strange people take great delight in upsetting others and getting a reaction, maybe deal it in a way that will not 'delight' them

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This is far to simplistic, you need to go several steps back from this.

[NewtoOrlando]

I didn’t have a relationship with my dads parents. My dad tried all his life to be a good son, but it was never good enough and we (my 2 sisters and I) were never seen as grandchildren, we were just their sons kids. My aunties kids were the golden ones. My dad would bring us gifts from them when we were kids, and we would keep them, when one of us asked who it was from we would be told ‘Minnie & Bob’ never Nan & grandad. We accepted the toys because we were kids and had great joy out of them growing up. I still remember standing in my garden at 7 years old crying my eyes out asking why I didn’t get a birthday card from them. We would get money & gifts, not anything personal from them. As I got older, I would ask my dad what went on, why were they so distant, and he explained it all to me and I finally understood everything. From about 14 years old, anything my dad gave me from them was put back in my dads arms and I would tell him to take it back to them & tell them that I didn’t want gifts from people who would cross the road from me if they saw me in the stress (happened all the time). It put my dad in a hard situation, especially as he had worked so had to get that relationship back on track, but he understood my feelings completely.

What I’m trying to say is that no, it’s not clear cut and not so easy to forgive & forget, especially as parents, but as time goes on, and your daughters get older, they may well resent you & your dh for not giving them those gifts, they will ask questions and you will have to give them the truth regarding the relationship. I made my own mind up when I was old enough which my dad respected, unlike my sisters, who were both older, I chose not to have a relationship with them. I didn’t go to their funerals, I didn’t cry when they died, but that was my choice and at 40 years old, I don’t regret a thing. Let your girls make that decision when they are old enough to understand, please don’t make it for them.x

[ChrisS]

Originally Posted by di5ney

This sums it up perfectly. Thanks!

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Do what you believe is right for you/yours D5 lass, you'll receive differing opinions, but until others have walked in your shoes most opinions are oft irrelevant. Your priority is your hubby and the bairns which it seems you have in hand