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Old 3 Jun 22, 06:13 PM  
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#831
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A small boy named Wally lived in Punchbowl, a suburb in South Western Sydney.
None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “you are driving me mad, Wally!”.
One day Wally’s mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.
The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school and even moved out of Sydney, North of Newcastle.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.
She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend, Wally, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Dyson!
Don‘t tell me you thought that Wally became a heart surgeon.
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Old 3 Jun 22, 07:36 PM  
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When James Bond is abroad is he known as +4407 ?
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Old 4 Jun 22, 11:43 AM  
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#833
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An Italian , a Scottish and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site
the foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy " you're in charge of sweeping," and to the Chinese guy, "you're in charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy , " you're in charge of supplies"

the foreman then shrugs his shoulders and says i have to leave for a little while, i except you guys to make a dent in that pile of sand by the time i get back.

hours later, when the foreman returns,the sand is untouched, the foreman says to the Italian why didn't you sweep any of it .. the Italian replies " i no gotta broom, you tella the chinesea guy he inna charge of supplies, but he disappeara and i coulda no finda him!"

then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks " didn't i tell you to shove that sand?" the Scotsman says " aye,ye did laddie, but i couldna get meself a shovel u left the Chinese in charge of the supplies but i couldna find him"

the foreman is really angry now and storms off to towards the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy .. just then the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells " SUPPLIES! SUPPLIES!"
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Old 11 Jun 22, 01:18 PM  
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Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.

"Joe," Bill says, "I'm glad to see your wife finally let you out of the house."

"Things have been different with my wife," Joe says. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was boss."

"How did you do that?" asks Bill.

"I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who is the boss in this relationship'."

"What happened?"

"Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."

"How did you do that?"

"I was hiding under the bed at the time''.
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Old 11 Jun 22, 04:10 PM  
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#835
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The definition of success is different for different ages

5 year old-Not peeing in your pants at night

12 years old-Having a lot friends

17 years old-Being able to drive

20 years old-Having a lot of sex

34 years old-Having a lot of money

54 years old-Having a lot of sex

65 years old-Being able to drive

70 years old-Having a lot of friends

75 years old-Not peeing in your pants at night
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Old 27 Jun 22, 12:01 PM  
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A woman takes her lame pet rabbit to the vets and puts it on the examination table. The vet takes out his stethoscope and places it on the rabbits chest. After a few minutes the vet shakes his head and says " I'm sorry your rabbit is dying" the woman says " he can't be dying examine him some more" so the vet leaves the room and comes back in with a black Labrador. He lifts the Labrador onto the table next to the rabbit. The Labrador sniffs the rabbit , barks once, shakes his head and jumps down from the table. The vet then leaves the room again and comes back with a large ginger cat. He lifts the cat onto the table next to the rabbit the cat sniffs the rabbit meows once and shakes his head and jumps down from the table. The vet leaves the room then comes back a few minutes later and hands the women the bill. She looks at it and says "£250 to tell my my pet rabbit is dying ! ". The vet replies " if you would have taken my first diagnosis it would have been £20 but now I have had to include the Lab report and cat scan"
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Old 1 Jul 22, 11:25 AM  
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Old 5 Jul 22, 05:51 PM  
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#838
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When God created Adam and Eve, He said to them:
I have two gifts to give you one is to do
pee standing up and...
Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming:
M E... M E...I want it, please Lord... please... please... please...
This would make life a lot easier!
Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her.
So God gave Adam the gift.
Adam was amazed ,screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree.
He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand
He lit a fire and played fireman..
God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness, until Eve asked God:
And... What is the other present?
And God answered:
A Brain, Eve ... The brain is yours !
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Old 12 Jul 22, 06:18 PM  
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Old 13 Jul 22, 12:13 AM  
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The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery". Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".
It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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