Should we love those we hate?

[Nannad]

For me, it takes a lot more effort and time to hate someone, and there have been a few, so now I try not to give them space in my head, and concentrate on the people who are important to me. Del

[marypoppins38]

Originally Posted by Nannad

For me, it takes a lot more effort and time to hate someone, and there have been a few, so now I try not to give them space in my head, and concentrate on the people who are important to me. Del

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Very true.
I hated someone for a long time, now I just pity her. She made my life a misery from childhood with her nasty bullying ways. I now have no contact whatsoever. She has tried to be in contact many times, I just don't respond. I am happier that I have ever been as I no longer have that feeling of dread as I always did. She will never be happy unless she has someone to bully and put down, but that person will never be me again.

[duchy]

Too many people throw the word hate around when what they mean is dislike.
There’s very few people I hate , only one I can think of really is my step daughter’s ex because he emotionally manipulates their kids and has caused them unhappiness , sadly I don’t see him changing .

[Silvercat]

Do you know what, I've been letting this make me sad and angry for too long now. I don't know why I haven't asked on here for advice before now, but I am so glad I did so. The replies I've got, in particular the one from Nimbus, have all made a lot of sense. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time out of their day to respond, you have all helped me to look at this horrible thing with a bit more perspective. I think I've been focusing on hating her, when really I think she is to be pitied more than hated - she is living in a fantasy world. By confessing her "love" for my husband, she is quite safe as she can flirt and sext him without having to actually carry out a real long-term relationship with all its ups and downs. The other thing is that I have known him for 20 years, and during that time he has changed quite a bit, but due to a fall out between hubby and her late husband, she didn't see either myself or my hubby for over 10 of those years, so in actual fact she doesn't really know my husband at all now. I think she is just fantasising about the man he was 30 years ago, when she first met him.

So from something that was a very interesting thread started by someone with a genuine curiosity about feelings, with a humorous look at some of them, I have found a sense of peace about something that has been hurting me for quite some time. Thank you, all.

[Sandra & co]

Silvercat sexting and flirting not ok in a marriage unless it’s with each other, get rid of the friend and tell your husband you’re not putting up with it anymore. End it because they are disrespecting you, mine and my dh phones and tablets are lying around and if I saw a woman had been sending flirty texts I’d go mad! Good luck you sound like a nice person and they are out of order!

[Nimbus]

Originally Posted by Lisa123wm

I don’t think I hate anyone. To hate someone, you’d have had to have loved or liked them a lot, to have such a strong emotion to them afterward.

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I would amend that slightly to say to hate someone you'd have to be personally impacted by their actions. I don't think you have to have loved or liked the person beforehand to hate them.

So, for example, I might hate a couple of bullies who tormented me and beat me up outside my home. I never liked nor loved them.

But, personally, I don't hate Adolf Hitler nor Jimmy Saville. I think the things they did were absolutely terrible and I do not condone their actions at all. And I think they should've paid for their crimes. But I don't actively hate them because they had nothing to do with me personally. I would certainly understand if someone did hate them if they were personally affected by either of them though.

[Nimbus]

Originally Posted by Silvercat

Do you know what, I've been letting this make me sad and angry for too long now. I don't know why I haven't asked on here for advice before now, but I am so glad I did so. The replies I've got, in particular the one from Nimbus, have all made a lot of sense.

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Can I just say that, from what I've read, you have every right to hate this other woman. Perhaps even to hate your husband for encouraging her (not sure whether that's the right term).

Yes, it would be nice if everyone loved one another - proper love where you wish the best for others, not sexual love. But we are all human and not perfect and other people sometimes make it so damned difficult to like them, let alone love them. Sometimes the best we can conjure is feeling indifferent towards them.

The problem with love, especially within a marriage, is that it needs to work both ways. It doesn't have to be equal - and I have no idea how you would measure love anyway - but both have to want the best for each other and make each other happier, if possible and within the limits of their ability. Consideration of the other person and their feelings is important.

I do hope you sort all this out. I would offer advice but I have neither the experience nor the training in these things. Best wishes!

[Colette-S]

Originally Posted by Silvercat

Do you know what, I've been letting this make me sad and angry for too long now. I don't know why I haven't asked on here for advice before now, but I am so glad I did so. The replies I've got, in particular the one from Nimbus, have all made a lot of sense. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time out of their day to respond, you have all helped me to look at this horrible thing with a bit more perspective. I think I've been focusing on hating her, when really I think she is to be pitied more than hated - she is living in a fantasy world. By confessing her "love" for my husband, she is quite safe as she can flirt and sext him without having to actually carry out a real long-term relationship with all its ups and downs. The other thing is that I have known him for 20 years, and during that time he has changed quite a bit, but due to a fall out between hubby and her late husband, she didn't see either myself or my hubby for over 10 of those years, so in actual fact she doesn't really know my husband at all now. I think she is just fantasising about the man he was 30 years ago, when she first met him.

So from something that was a very interesting thread started by someone with a genuine curiosity about feelings, with a humorous look at some of them, I have found a sense of peace about something that has been hurting me for quite some time. Thank you, all.

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Good for you Silvercat! X

[Cloverlady]

Hi Silvercat, Just to say I would be beyond livid if someone was sexting or flirting with my husband!

I would put a lot of the blame at his feet if I'm honest. His loyalty ought to be with YOU.
This other woman is not his responsibility, particularly as he is a married man and he knows of her feelings!

Hope it all blows over and this silly woman finds a new more available target for her affections

[mickey house]

Originally Posted by Silvercat

Do you know what, I've been letting this make me sad and angry for too long now. I don't know why I haven't asked on here for advice before now, but I am so glad I did so. The replies I've got, in particular the one from Nimbus, have all made a lot of sense. Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time out of their day to respond, you have all helped me to look at this horrible thing with a bit more perspective. I think I've been focusing on hating her, when really I think she is to be pitied more than hated - she is living in a fantasy world. By confessing her "love" for my husband, she is quite safe as she can flirt and sext him without having to actually carry out a real long-term relationship with all its ups and downs. The other thing is that I have known him for 20 years, and during that time he has changed quite a bit, but due to a fall out between hubby and her late husband, she didn't see either myself or my hubby for over 10 of those years, so in actual fact she doesn't really know my husband at all now. I think she is just fantasising about the man he was 30 years ago, when she first met him.

So from something that was a very interesting thread started by someone with a genuine curiosity about feelings, with a humorous look at some of them, I have found a sense of peace about something that has been hurting me for quite some time. Thank you, all.

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I'm pleased the replies have been helpful, but I do believe my post was more helpful than Nimbus's (his post was okay but just not up to the high standard of mine).