Utterly Heartbroken and Devastated

[DisneyStacey]

Having a bit of a rough spell the last few days.

My sleeping has gone from waking up at 3am to not being able to get to sleep until 3am and then waking up at 5.

I don't think the lack of sleep is helping my emotional state. Or my concentration. Work is becoming a nightmare and I am struggling to even do the basics of my job at the moment, never mind all the extras. (Work have been so sympathetic about my situation, but I am still being paid to do a job I feel I am not doing). It's frustrating for me.

Every time I seem to start feeling a little more positive, a text comes through from him and just shatters everything into a million tiny pieces.

He wants to meet next week to discuss "things" - money, the house, our daughter etc.
I haven't even spoken a physical word to him in 16 days now. The only contact we have had is by text and that has been absolute minimal. (Maybe very briefly on 4 separate occasions).
He wants to meet (actually he said "I will meet you ...") on Tuesday whilst DD is at her drama group.
I just said I'd let him know, but I don't want to meet him then as I don't want it to all be on his terms. I will suggest an alternative day/time nearer the time.

Feel like he's holding all the aces and still pulling all the strings.

DD is still refusing to talk to him. I have tried to encourage her, as I think the longer she leaves it the more difficult it's going to be for her. She just says that she has absolutely nothing to say to him. It's a categorical "No. I do not want to see or speak to him".
I'm concerned he's going to start to think I am keeping her away from him, but it's not the case. She has made her feelings quite clear to several of his other family members as well when they have approached her about speaking to him - so hopefully they can vouch for the fact that it isn't me.

Life is lonely and a loveless right now. Although I am surrounding myself with people, I'm still lonely. And although they all love me - it isn't the love I need right now. It isn't him.

Sorry to rant.

If anyone has any tips for meeting him I would greatly appreciate it.
I'm worried I'm going to break down and not be able to keep it together.

x

[djewkes]

Can you take someone with you when you meet him? Just a thought... it gives you a bit of emotional support and someone who can clarify what he’s saying cos you could be too upset to take notice of all he says...

[Bianca]

I was wondering how you're getting on.

It might seem as if he's calling the shots, probably because he made that shocking decision to leave, but he's definitely not really that powerful now. Not least, because his daughter is avoiding him.

How about getting him to email, instead of text, so you aren't disturbed all the time?

Wishing you well.

[ROBBOTOO]

Originally Posted by DisneyStacey

Having a bit of a rough spell the last few days.

My sleeping has gone from waking up at 3am to not being able to get to sleep until 3am and then waking up at 5.

I don't think the lack of sleep is helping my emotional state. Or my concentration. Work is becoming a nightmare and I am struggling to even do the basics of my job at the moment, never mind all the extras. (Work have been so sympathetic about my situation, but I am still being paid to do a job I feel I am not doing). It's frustrating for me.

Every time I seem to start feeling a little more positive, a text comes through from him and just shatters everything into a million tiny pieces.

He wants to meet next week to discuss "things" - money, the house, our daughter etc.
I haven't even spoken a physical word to him in 16 days now. The only contact we have had is by text and that has been absolute minimal. (Maybe very briefly on 4 separate occasions).
He wants to meet (actually he said "I will meet you ...") on Tuesday whilst DD is at her drama group.
I just said I'd let him know, but I don't want to meet him then as I don't want it to all be on his terms. I will suggest an alternative day/time nearer the time.

Feel like he's holding all the aces and still pulling all the strings.

DD is still refusing to talk to him. I have tried to encourage her, as I think the longer she leaves it the more difficult it's going to be for her. She just says that she has absolutely nothing to say to him. It's a categorical "No. I do not want to see or speak to him".

I'm concerned he's going to start to think I am keeping her away from him, but it's not the case. She has made her feelings quite clear to several of his other family members as well when they have approached her about speaking to him - so hopefully they can vouch for the fact that it isn't me.

Life is lonely and a loveless right now. Although I am surrounding myself with people, I'm still lonely. And although they all love me - it isn't the love I need right now. It isn't him.

Sorry to rant.

If anyone has any tips for meeting him I would greatly appreciate it.
I'm worried I'm going to break down and not be able to keep it together.

x

See more...

I’d just say I’m not ready to meet you yet. Keep it on your terms when you’re ready. Currently it’s his terms and he’s used to you both working together. He’s changed those terms, so you need to get him to realise that you now do what you want when you’re ready. Then ignore texts until you feel able to reply. He’s clearly not that confident just texting you anyway.

He’s had time to get prepared for this suggested meeting, you haven’t, you need to meet when you feel stronger.

Can you take any time off from work maybe? Although it may be a distraction, but hard if you’re not sleeping and probably all over the place anyway.

In terms of sleeping, it was suggested to me to go to bed with a hot chocolate. Not something I’d really drink normally, but helped for some reason.

You’re doing great.

Big hugs.

Xx

[Bootrip2]

If you dont feel ready to talk yet he will need to respect this. He has known what is happening a long time before you, he needs to give you time to find a way to deal with this. Hugs for you and your daughter. X

[katiec68]

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of saying your not ready to meet him.

Id text him to say that you are not available and give him 2/3 dates/times when YOU are free and where YOU want to meet.

A little tip from my bestie who found herself in the same situation - change the ring tone on your phone for his number to a different one from everyone else - that way you can answer the texts when YOU want to.

ITs VERY early days yet hun - you may have good and bad days for months!

Another tip from when I was divorcing and I couldn't sleep was to write everything down that was going through my head at 2am. I was worried id forget things or forget how angry I was.
When Id written stuff down id sleep like a baby - and when I looked at what id written in the morning it was basically illegible nonsense but it worked every time.

Stay strong, rely on and talk to your friends and family.
You will discover a new "normal" and a new "peace"and you will learn to accept your own company and not feel so alone.

Big hugs x x

[Floridatilly]

Originally Posted by DisneyStacey

Having a bit of a rough spell the last few days.

My sleeping has gone from waking up at 3am to not being able to get to sleep until 3am and then waking up at 5.

I don't think the lack of sleep is helping my emotional state. Or my concentration. Work is becoming a nightmare and I am struggling to even do the basics of my job at the moment, never mind all the extras. (Work have been so sympathetic about my situation, but I am still being paid to do a job I feel I am not doing). It's frustrating for me.

Every time I seem to start feeling a little more positive, a text comes through from him and just shatters everything into a million tiny pieces.

He wants to meet next week to discuss "things" - money, the house, our daughter etc.
I haven't even spoken a physical word to him in 16 days now. The only contact we have had is by text and that has been absolute minimal. (Maybe very briefly on 4 separate occasions).
He wants to meet (actually he said "I will meet you ...") on Tuesday whilst DD is at her drama group.
I just said I'd let him know, but I don't want to meet him then as I don't want it to all be on his terms. I will suggest an alternative day/time nearer the time.

Feel like he's holding all the aces and still pulling all the strings.

DD is still refusing to talk to him. I have tried to encourage her, as I think the longer she leaves it the more difficult it's going to be for her. She just says that she has absolutely nothing to say to him. It's a categorical "No. I do not want to see or speak to him".
I'm concerned he's going to start to think I am keeping her away from him, but it's not the case. She has made her feelings quite clear to several of his other family members as well when they have approached her about speaking to him - so hopefully they can vouch for the fact that it isn't me.

Life is lonely and a loveless right now. Although I am surrounding myself with people, I'm still lonely. And although they all love me - it isn't the love I need right now. It isn't him.

Sorry to rant.

If anyone has any tips for meeting him I would greatly appreciate it.
I'm worried I'm going to break down and not be able to keep it together.

x

See more...

Only meet him when you feel ready. Also be ready with all your rights, facts & figures.
When my sisters husband left her for a girl 15 years younger my sister was so devastated that she did not look at anything legally. When he arranged a meeting he had everything all sorted as he had seen a solicitor, he really blindsided her and because she did not know her rights etc she felt that she had to agree with everything he said.
He demanded that he had their son 3 times a week so that he did not need to pay maintenance and that she needed to put the house up for sale etc
It was tough but she is happy now.
Take time to heal 💕

[DisneyStacey]

I'm determined not to take someone with me.

I've got to look strong, confident and unfazed. I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing how much I'm hurting. I don't want him to feel like he has any control over me and my feelings anymore.

I might ask him for a list of what he wants to discuss beforehand so that I can prepare.

And hell will freeze over before I meet him on Tuesday evening whilst DD is at drama.

It was the way he said "I will meet you ..." - like he gets to call all the shots and I have to do as he says.

I don't even know how I feel at the moment. I think I just feel a bit numb to everything.

It's like I'm living in a bubble.

Think I secretly hoped that he'd miss me by now. The fact that he doesn't just makes me feel pretty worthless. Especially when he's been such a *&#! to me and I'm still missing him.

Going to try a hot chocolate before bed tonight, and I had bought a notebook for work, but I'm going to start writing down some nonsensical rantings into it.

x

[Melanie R]

I found keeping a diary helped me - if I couldn’t sleep, I’d write how I was feeling and how the day had been. I also wrote letters to my ex (which I never sent) which helped me work through how I was feeling. At my worst I was having panic attacks and was driving up and down the motorway at 2 in the morning just to get out if the house and take my mind off thinking - focussing on driving helped me for some reason!
Do not meet up until you are ready - anything which needs to be sorted can be done via email. It was important to me to keep my dignity so I refused to engage when I was sent emotional and manipulative texts, I would only respond to reasonable ones. To this day I don’t think he realises how much some of his texts hurt (which I’m sure was the intention) as I never dignified them with a response.
As someone else said, the emotional rollercoaster does last for months I’m afraid, but it really does get easier day by day. I look back on my diaries now and am amazed how far I’ve come - I met a work colleague today who I haven’t seen for over 2 years and who last saw me on one of my bad days - her comment to me today was as soon as she saw me she thought “Mel’s back!” - and that’s exactly how I feel these days.
Stay strong, be kind to yourself and give it time xxxx

[Basset]

As someone who has been there and got the t-shirt I can totally relate to it. I've also seen many people go through it as well.

The one thing I can promise you is that whatever happens - you will end up happier and stronger, WHATEVER happens . If people move on ,reconcile , whatever you will end up more rounded, happier and more confident in what you want out of life.

Sleepwise - It's a total nightmare for quite a while. You lie and the mind races. For me , it helped to listen to spoken word audio. Podcasts , radio play etc.. I used a lot of Radio 4 comed (The News Quiz , The Now show) . I'd be lying there giggling at the jokes and then suddenly asleep. It works better than music as that tends to bring back memories and not distract the brain enough. It's been 12 years and now my brain is trained so that the moment I put on a podcast I'm asleep in seconds

There will be ups and down days for a while to come..but you know what.. the hurt does get less.