Preparing a child for loss

[Guest]

My DD8 was 5 when my mum died from pancreatic cancer. Everything happened so fast and she died 4 months after diagnosis aged 50 so was a horrendous time and I am still affected by it now. Before becoming ill my mum spent so much time with DD and they were really close. We decided to be completely honest with DD and told her that nanny was really ill and the doctors weren't able to make her better and that she would die. I worried about this a little as wondered if she would ask mum questions about it when we visited her, however she didn't ask anything - but she always gave her huge hugs and kisses every night when we left her at the hospice. When mum passed away DD actually dealt with it really well but we just kept reminding her that it was OK to be upset and to cry (and that we would be doing lots of that!). We let her decide if she wanted to come to the funeral and she said she would like to. Despite some family being sceptical, I still strongly believe that this was the right thing to do - yes they might be upset - but they need to grieve as much as we do - and a funeral can offer some closure for them, and by seeing other friends and family upset they know that it's also OK for them to feel this way. Mum's service was actually quite uplifting (non-religious) and a real celebration of her (short) life. There were hundreds there and it helped DD to remember how loved she was by us all.

Overall my DD coped really well with mum's death, however I will say that when my granda died six months later (my mum's dad who my DD also spent lots of time with) - it hit DD a LOT harder - she cried at school, was unfocussed with her work and just generally angry with the world for a good few days. I think by this point she had realised that if someone dies they definitely don't come back and it just hit her all that bit harder My mum's mum died a couple of months later as well and my DD this time was just very accepting of it (which was harder for us, as we worried she had 'normalised' death and sort of expected it, as she often asked us when we were going to die). She chose not to go to either of my grandparent's funerals, however they were cremations so I thought it was maybe for the best.

Three years later and she has came OK and I think she finally believes that we were just unlucky for three of our close family members to pass away in such a short space of time. The way kids process grief is totally different to adults - she decided herself that nanny, granda and grandmas' bodies were so poorly and couldn't be fixed so they went to live in heaven where they would get new bodies but still be the same people, and that's why we bury the old ones. We were fine with this explanation as it doesn't stray too far from our own beliefs - that they are all together somewhere, smiling and looking over us

So sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time - it will be hard, but lots of honesty and hugs will go a long way xx

[Mr Tom Morrow]

OP. Sorry to hear your news and best wishes.

Amazon (and others) stock a range of books for children to help them understand bereavement. It may be an idea. Like this -

amazon/gp/product/...sbereca re-21

[signtalker]

Sorry to hear your news I lost my wonderful dad just under 3 weeks ago the palliative care team were fantastic. I can't help with your 5 year d but sending big hugs

Jules

[smurfette123]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and for sharing your experiences. I have spoken with the school this morning and they will keep a close eye on him. I will definitely be looking into the books that have been mentioned. My son loves books and we read a lot so that will help

Thank you x

Kate

[DisneyDaffodil]

So sorry to hear your news, love to you and your family.

My DD was 3 when her nanna died, we did tell her that the doctors had made nanna better lots of times but this time it was too hard and that nanna was going to die so she wouldn't hurt any more.
We also said nanna would never really want to leave her but she would want DD to have a lovely life after she had gone and left her lots of hugs for us to give her. My daughter may not have totally understood this but it did comfort her.

She (without anyone suggesting it) drew a picture of herself with nanna and lots of kisses on it to put in with my mum when she died. This made me cry so much but she said she did it so nanna would remember her. It may be a nice thing for your son to do too.

Again, love to you all through this terrible time

[YankInScotland]

So sorry to hear your news. My MIL and I were just discussing this and the person we were discussing called Macmillan and was told two things that I thought were helpful. First, children should hear about death from their parents and only their parents. (This woman was hoping a nurse could talk to them.) Secondly, be very careful not to say they are sleeping or going to sleep. Children can be very afraid of going to sleep if they equate death with sleep.

[loobz]

so sorry to hear your news.

My son was 8 when my sister passed away so a little bit older than your son but we were just honest with him and answered his questions as best we could. School were a great help and allowed him quiet time as necessary - the hardest part was telling them and holding myself together. My sister lived a few hours away from us so we didn't see her very often but we visited about 3 weeks before she died and my children were both aware of her illness (cancer). Her death was very sudden though and not expected so quickly after our visit so it did make it harder for us. However, both of my children remember the fun we had with my sister and all the laughs and that's mainly what we talk about now.

I remember being 5 when my own nan passed away and my brother and I were put upstairs and no one spoke to us about it, ever. We didn't go to the funeral and weren't even allowed to talk about our nan. To this day I have no idea how she died (it was 45 years ago).

[amy56]

Im so sorry to hear about what you're going through

Whilst my own children have yet to suffer such a loss, my eldest son (now 13), has had two classmates lose parents when they were only 9/10. Both happened within a few months of one another, so it effected everyone in their class quite a lot.

At the time, the families were told that whilst adults grief is like 'wading through treacle' - constant and an ongoing weight, children's grief can often be likened to 'splashing in puddles' - they live very much in the moment, so if they seem happy and 'normal', then at that moment they probably are - but equally the next moment they could fall back in to the puddle of grief again. It certainly rang true for the children in our school who lost parents (whilst my sons best friends was 10, his siblings were only 5 & 8 when their dad died).

I hope that helps you a little. Sending big hugs x

[Momofboys]

Originally Posted by amy56

At the time, the families were told that whilst adults grief is like 'wading through treacle' - constant and an ongoing weight, children's grief can often be likened to 'splashing in puddles' - they live very much in the moment, so if they seem happy and 'normal', then at that moment they probably are - but equally the next moment they could fall back in to the puddle of grief again. It certainly rang true for the children in our school who lost parents (whilst my sons best friends was 10, his siblings were only 5 & 8 when their dad died).

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Sorry to hear your heartbreaking news.

I lost my Mom very suddenly last year so we had no warning at all and she too was such a major part in my and our sons daily lives.

My boys were older 18 / 15 / 9 and they have grieved so hard for her, but in amongst mine and my dads grief we've let them do as they felt necessary.

As the above poster put so very well, all is well in their world .. or not, not a daily wade through like my Dad and I, but a splash between the 2.

My youngest cried nightly until recently, but was absolutely fine at school, teacher said he was a little quiet, but not really noticeably, just because she was keeping an eye out.

When Mom died a friend told me to be kind to myself, and not get lost supporting my sons in their loss... which of course some days I do, so concerned for them, I can't grieve myself.

Sending you love for the days ahead, be kind to yourself, its hard xxx

[PJB71]

I'm so sorry to read about your Dad 💔 Xxx I honestly don't think that there is a right or wrong way but somehow you seem to get through it 😥

Our youngest DD (6) unfortunately has experienced a few deaths (her godfather passed suddenly when she was 3 of a heart attack, my nan the year after & DFIL last year) and like others have said we have tried to be as honest as possible but in a child friendly way 💔

We told her that the doctors couldn't make them better & they had gone to live with the Angels & over time she has asked many questions "why can't they visit from heaven"? We told her that there where no roads back but they could see her & watch her play, she asked "why couldn't uncle John ring with his mobile phone" we had to tell her that there was no signal in heaven sometimes they ask the most strangest of things.

We didn't let her go to her godfathers funeral as we felt she was too young and there was so much emotion as he also had young children & it was such a shock, but she did go to my nans & FILs but again we did it in a child friendly way. We knew that she would be curious about the box but we didn't want her freaked out so we told her that when a person dies they get a special "treasure box" and all there special things get put in it and then you take it to a special place and leave it then the angels collect it & deliver it to the person who now lives in heaven. When grandad passed last year we asked her if she wanted to leave anything special for his treasure box and she did lots of pictures and also wanted a picture of herself with her sisters putting in. Even today whilst out driving in the car we passed a church with a funeral just arriving & she shouted from the back "oh look mummy someone's special treasure box is going to be posted" 😘

I'm sure these next few, days, weeks & months are going to be 💔 For you all and just wanted to send you a hug 💕