So I told my girlfriend

[marypoppins38]

Originally Posted by Mr Tom Morrow

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

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This reminds me of when I had an op to remove my thyroid a few years ago. Surgeon warned me and DH that one of the potential risks was that it could affect my singing voice. To which DH replied "it could only be an improvement, trust me!"

[cartoonp]

The Santa at the shopping mall was quite surprised when he saw Martha, a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. We all know Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled at him very nicely and he ended up asking her what she wanted for Christmas.
"Something for my mother, please," she replied.
"Something for your mother? That's very loving and thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What would you like me to bring her?"
Emily answered quickly, "A son-in-law."

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

[Mr Tom Morrow]

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[dubletrub]

Why Is Christmas Like A Day At The Office?

Because you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.🎅

[cartoonp]

Harry walked over to the Priest after services, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game next Sunday, it’s just out of the question.” “Oh Harry Harry” said the Priest putting his arm around Harry, “don’t you know? that’s what recorders are for.” Harry’s face lit up “you mean I could record your sermon?”≈

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Two nuns are doing their grocery shopping. As they pass the cooler full of beer, one nun says longingly to the other one, "A cold beer would go down great tonight!" "Indeed," the other nun replies, "but how can we show up with beer at the check-out counter?" "Don't worry, I have a plan," the other nun answers. "Grab a six-pack." The cashier is surprised when he sees the beer, but the one nun is ready with an explanation. "We use the beer to wash our hair" she says. "At the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.'" Without hesitation the cashier bends down, grabs a package of pretzels, and throws it in one of the nuns' groceries bags, saying "The curlers are on the house."

[buryboy]

There were three inflatable bears.
A daddy inflatable bear , a mummy inflatable bear , and a baby inflatable bear.
The daddy turned to the baby and said ‘ son , you are getting much bigger now , you are too big to sleep in mummy and daddy’s bed . From tonight , you need to sleep in your own bed’
So that night baby inflatable bear went in his own bed.
But he couldn’t sleep.
So in the middle of the night , when he knew mummy and daddy were asleep , he got up and sneaked into their bedroom.
But he couldn’t fit in their bed.
So he went up to daddy bear , and carefully released some of his air out of him.
He still couldn’t fit in the bed.
So he released some air out of mummy inflatable bear.
But he still couldn’t fit in the bed.
So he pulled up n how own stopper and released some of his own air.
He then managed to fit in the bed and went to sleep.

In the morning , daddy inflatable bear woke up , saw baby in the bed and saw all 3 bears had been partially deflated .

Daddy bear turned to baby bear . ‘ I’m really disappointed in you getting in mine and mummy’s bed ‘
‘ you’ve let me down , you’ve let mummy inflatable bear down and you have let yourself down too ‘ 😂😂😂

[cartoonp]

Thunderstorm One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy

[Mr Tom Morrow]

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.
Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now. But the vet charged me six quid.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.

The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

So they pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railway sleeper. Help me carry it over. When we toss that in it's got to make some noise."

So the two of them drag the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"

The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railway sleeper.