Adult Children returning home

[Guest]

Originally Posted by duchy

I moved home in my mid twenties for a while and my poor Mum found she couldn’t sleep til I got in at night . She knew I’d lived away for several years and that I was restricting my social life so she could get sleep but she just couldn’t settle til she knew I was in , old habits die hard ! No matter how much you talk about kids living as adults back at home, I think for most parents you never shake that feeling they are still your kids and it can cause difficulties or even tension when kids are used to living independently.

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This is me. Irrespective of the fact that my kids have lived away and are in Thier 20s will be awake until they come in. They go out on a school night - often don't leave until close to ten and my heart sinks. Several nights a week I will then be awake until 1:30-2 or later, and still have to start work at 7. It's hard. My DH goes to sleep but is woken up when they return and is then awake for an hour or two.

That said, by youngest has become nocturnal during lockdown like many teenagers and the house often has more noise at 2am than it does all morning while I work and they sleep. Hopefully it will be easier when school / uni restart. 🙁

[Guest]

On the thirds thing.
It is a difficult balance. A) want to be asking them to make a fair contribution but definition of "fair" is a hard one. Fair to you and your bills, fair to them all, as they are all paid differing amounts ? Hard to square that circle.

B). Reasonable enough to try and limiit the financial push on them if they are truly either a) saving to get out themselves eg for a deposit b) really intending to leave. I have a friend who charges her son 250 a month for room and board. He has been there 6 years, he is 35. He spends money like water and is having a whale of a time travelling and expensive cars. She does his laundry and cleans. She was surprised when tentatively asking him how long he was going to stay. He said he had no intention of moving out. He couldn't afford anywhere with his salary with the level of comforts of home.

She had worked hard all her life and her bills were relatively low. She split them.equally with him.

I don't want this. I love my kids but don't think this would be good for me or them longer term.

This way they are essentially saving although they may not know it. If I have large or unexpected bills, or lose my job or retire then that might change. But for now I'm sticking with it.

OP. Sounds like a thread of woe. In the main mine are lovely and we get on well. I am blessed to have them back. We all need to clearly be responsible adults together rather than parents and children for it to work at its best I think. We are still working on that bit. 😁.

[Floridarules]

I would ask them to sort their own food, this is the biggest cost and has the most time attached.
It sounds like they are doing it for the right reasons (it saving up for their own place)
Do you have enough room on the drive for their cars ? (assuming they drive now?)
Along with the expectation that they tidy after themselves and do their own laundry.
Maybe then £50 a month as a token gesture?
P.S I’m sure you will enjoy them back at home👍😄

[pchivvy]

Be prepared for endless squabbling over bathrooms/ no hot water etc and no privacy to watch 'their' programmes on TV! Personally if you can, I would set up another area for watching tv to give everyone some extra space.

[Sally42]

Our son separated from his wife just as lockdown hit. He’d been financially in dire straights and when he got paid, was still overdrawn.
He came to live with us and had 60p in the bank and very despondent (He came home from work and his things were outside in black bin liners in the rain -
her choice to kick him out)
We charge him £100 a month which is nothing really.
He’s been furloughed for the majority of Lockdown but still managed to buy himself a 48” 3D TV, a new bike, a go pro, a new iPhone, roof bars for my car that he’s using (we bought it for him to get to work when he first moved in. Picked it up and that day he was furloughed) plus clothes and shoes galore.
Whilst I do resent this, I also know how tough he’s had it for the last 5 years but I feel things are going to have to change soon.

[mitch84]

Originally Posted by vampiress88

Sorry but I really don’t see it as that.
If you rented a room anywhere else you pay a set price.

Maybe I am jaded really as I am the eldest I had similar issues with rent and yes I begrudge my siblings. Even if I was the one earning less of a room is £100 for example then it’s just that. Someone shouldn’t have to pay more for a room because they earn more.
That’s like saying someone who earns more money should pay higher rent than others for the exact same house.

Me I paid £5pm from 16-18 at home but had to do my own washing etc then £100 from 18-19 living at in Laws with the bf (so £50 each) had to do the housework, washing and our own food. We also paid internet bill for house.
Our siblings never paid any board until my sister did at 23 on an nhs wage she paid £200 but that was only cos my mum was in debt and I said she should be helping out paying something otherwise I doubt they would.
But yes I believe in treating kids as fairly as possible.

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£5 a month or even £50 a month isn’t board really, it wouldn’t begin to cover you being there. It’s just a token gesture.

I have 2 younger brothers who I would give the world to. There will be room made in my house whenever they need it - we are all very independent though so unlikely.
I’m 6.5 years older than my brother. If we had both lived at home when I was 28 and earning very good money, and he was 21 and still at uni, and our parents say charged us £200 a month each, I’d have paid his, end of.

[123]

Originally Posted by mitch84

If we had both lived at home when I was 28 and earning very good money, and he was 21 and still at uni, and our parents say charged us £200 a month each, I’d have paid his, end of.

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Which is admirable, but also rather telling.

You would pay for your kid brother to live for free, but your parents wouldn't.

[katiec68]

Originally Posted by vampiress88

See I wouldn’t see this as fair if I moved back home. One could pay £400 another £50 etc and it could cause resentment on the one who is paying the most.
If you rented out a room it would be “£xxx for room share” not I’m gonna take xx% of what you earn

I would work out what extra on food,gas,elec,water etc

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But generally most people will spend the same % of what they earn on food/bills etc regardless of income level.

Generally the more people earn the more they spend.

Costs are relative so a % is an easy way of determining "charges" or outgoings.

As a rough guess if I earn £25k I will be able to afford £800 in rent, if I earn £50k I can afford £1500 in rent.

[Guest]

Originally Posted by katiec68

But generally most people will spend the same % of what they earn on food/bills etc regardless of income level.

Generally the more people earn the more they spend.

Costs are relative so a % is an easy way of determining "charges" or outgoings.

As a rough guess if I earn £25k I will be able to afford £800 in rent, if I earn £50k I can afford £1500 in rent.

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If you are on a higher salary you may choose to devote more £ on rent or mortgage in order to stay in a better quality of accommodation. But you wouldn’t expect to pay more than somebody else for the same thing because you have a higher salary.

[mitch84]

Originally Posted by 123

Which is admirable, but also rather telling.

You would pay for your kid brother to live for free, but your parents wouldn't.

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Not in the slightest, we all moved out at 18 and never returned, as I said highly independent. It’s just a scenario. I just don’t understand begrudging your baby brother less keep whilst he’s young and earning less