Terrible jokes thread

[Endeavour]

A guy goes to a fancy dress party. The host asks “what have you come as?”. “A harp” says the guest. The host then says “your costume looks small for a harp”. The guest replies “are you calling me a liar?”

[Andy C]

Crime being rife in multi-storey car parks.

That’s wrong on so many levels.

[disney332]

Mark Knopfler comes home carrying a large picture frame & a bag of chips

Wife: What you been up to?

MK: I was at the Auction & got a French Impressionist painting & I got you a bag of chips

Wife: How much have spent this time?

MK: Nothing! I got the Monet for nothing and the chips for free

Disney332

[silverfox46]

A lot of Tim Vine one liners on here, so will add mine

Velcro ... What a rip off

This jelly fish walked into a shop. I thought ..he’s a slippery customer

I was asked if I liked WD40, my reply, I quite like RED RED WINE

I rang B&Q and asked how big the Q was. Apparently it’s the same size as the B

The list of jokes is endless

[mick]

Originally Posted by silverfox46

A lot of Tim Vine one liners on here, so will add mine

Velcro ... What a rip off

This jelly fish walked into a shop. I thought ..he’s a slippery customer

I was asked if I liked WD40, my reply, I quite like RED RED WINE

I rang B&Q and asked how big the Q was. Apparently it’s the same size as the B

The list of jokes is endless

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I'll admit to mine being nicked and I've just seen another

[disney332]

I've got a new job at a factory that make plastic Dracula figurines. There are only two of us on the production line so I have to make every second Count.

Disney332

[tocpe321]

I went to an Esso garage the other day and it said put a tiger in your tank.

Several scratches and a bite later I just about got the tip of his tail in.

[disney332]

A man goes to the Optician for his annual eye test.
The Optician puts a contraption on his face , and asks him what he can see.

"I see empty Airports and empty Football grounds" he says. " I see closed theatres , closed pubs, closed Restaurants "

That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision...

Disney332

[disney332]

I swallowed a bottle of invisible ink yesterday.

I sat in A&E for hours waiting to be seen.

Disney332

[silverfox46]

Originally Posted by Bovril

I had a call this afternoon from a guy from the ramblers association... he just went on and on and on

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One of my hubby’s favourites, another Tim Vine I believe 😂😂