I don’t want to always take my mum

[Gill H]

I love my parents and in-laws, and go to stay with them several times a year. However, no way would I holiday with them, or with friends or anyone else. When we are on holiday we want to do things our way.

[°o°-Hannah-°o°]

If she must go, how about booking hotels instead of a villa. That way you have your own space, if she doesn’t want to go out or eat where you do then she’s got other options at hand without a car, she can go to bed whenever she wants too

My fil used to come with us everywhere and it eventually drove me nuts, thankfully he ran out of money but is now talking about going with his new wife and child but she refuses, even my husband has said we aren’t getting in the same plane as them!
My parents came with us last year and while my dad is more than welcome to join us again, grandma is not (this is what my boys say). My mum sounds a lot like yours

[JLH]

Originally Posted by Claudette

I think that way of thinking is part of the issue. That some think that if you want to holiday with your own family it means you don’t like or get on with parents or in-laws. OP has made very clear that she is close to her mother. You can love you parents very much but still want to holiday with your own family.

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I dont think that it means you dont get on but equally I dont think its strange that parents and adult children/grandchildren go on holiday together as some suggest on here. There are lots of posts on this forum where extended family go away and IF everyone is happy with it then its not a problem - hence why I thought some of the replies were harsh. I wouldn't do it but my niece doesn't have a problem .

[Leec]

Originally Posted by arielrocks

Have you considered a split stay? The 4 of you go away for say 1 week on your own and only invite her for the second week?

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This is exactly what I’m thinking! Thank you x

[Leec]

Originally Posted by °o°-Hannah-°o°

If she must go, how about booking hotels instead of a villa. That way you have your own space, if she doesn’t want to go out or eat where you do then she’s got other options at hand without a car, she can go to bed whenever she wants too

My fil used to come with us everywhere and it eventually drove me nuts, thankfully he ran out of money but is now talking about going with his new wife and child but she refuses, even my husband has said we aren’t getting in the same plane as them!
My parents came with us last year and while my dad is more than welcome to join us again, grandma is not (this is what my boys say). My mum sounds a lot like yours

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I think a hotel room would be worse for us, she’s single so usually would either pay a supplement or have one of my kids with her and I would pay more. We’ve done overnight stays and she is constantly knocking on our door, can’t work shower, can you do this and that, she’ll bring her drink into our room, wants to know what time to set her alarm so we all go for brekkie together... she needs a plan each day. There’s no go with the flow.
I’m convinced she’s lonely and wants looking after, I get the lonely bit but I’m not up for looking after her she needs to stay independent for longer. She isn’t helping herself.
I find it claustrophobic and irritating.

[Loopylooloo]

I dont think a split stay will work, you will be dreading her arrival all first week!

In terms of the airplane seating etc, you need to be more vocal about your needs, make it clear you cannot have the arm raised as it hurts you! I think this is the biggest issue, everyone is letting her run the show, either you be brave and say this time we are just going on our own, and say, the kids want to be out later etc, we cant pop back for naps, you think it will be too much for her etc, OR, she can join you but you need to be braver in speaking up for your needs its everyones holiday not just hers.

I realise this may not be as easy as it sounds so good luck.

[Libby]

I'm sorry if my reply came over as harsh. I just wanted to reassure the OP that a lot of people don't holiday with their parents/grandparents.

It was only when I started reading these boards (many years ago!) that I discovered that people actually do.

From reading the rest of this thread I realise that there is no one right way to find a solution.

Sometimes you've just got to choose what is right for you at the time and not overthink or feel guilty about not being able to make Dh/mum/kids all happy at the same time. OP it is your holiday too.

[macdonald]

i can tell by your post how close you are with your mum (even though she can be really annoying) and i think if you did go without her not only would she be really hurt,you would also really miss her not being there and being "annoying"!..I do think though that you could talk a few things through with her about some of her annoying habits ..

[KarenG]

Originally Posted by macdonald

i can tell by your post how close you are with your mum (even though she can be really annoying) and i think if you did go without her not only would she be really hurt,you would also really miss her not being there and being "annoying"!..I do think though that you could talk a few things through with her about some of her annoying habits ..

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I think only OP knows whether talking about her annoying habits with her would actually change anything.

We can all only bring our own perspectives to situations but I can say for sure my mum would not change her behaviour.

OP I think you must have the patience of a saint, and no wonder you want the holiday with your immediate family to be the holiday that you all want and not the holiday that just one (uncompromising) person wants.

[SquishTheWhale]

Originally Posted by macdonald

i can tell by your post how close you are with your mum (even though she can be really annoying) and i think if you did go without her not only would she be really hurt,you would also really miss her not being there and being "annoying"!..I do think though that you could talk a few things through with her about some of her annoying habits ..

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The problem with this is its very easy her her mum to say 'I won't do that anymore I'll be good' and then once you are on holiday its too late if she doesn't stick to her word or the behaviour regresses. If you try and put your foot down while on holiday she can use emotional manipulation, crying, making sure you all feel guilty and have a miserable time if you did go out and leave her.

I have some experience as my grandma is a nightmare and displays similar behaviours, especially the childish ones like refusing to eat and the victim mentality, through to threats of topping herself because people won't do what she wants.
She won't usually aknowledge her behaviour so it's very difficult to talk about it or tell her she needs to stop. Sometimes she drives my poor mum into the ground.