Worn down

[Consistent]

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The original thread was located HERE.

The first post was...

I am a regular poster on the dibb and finally need some help.
I have friends, couple of them are brilliant support.
Long story if you have the time.

My son lives with us, early 20s, he has had what I think depression/anxiety/personality disorder for a while.

I feel the story is way too long really so will try to condense it.
He has left university and in a temporary job after gaining his degree last summer.
For years he has had persecution complex, now we are an all time low.
A year ago he asked me to go to the Doctor with him, he was given antidepressants, he did get a bit better but came off after 6 months.
He is now blaming an ex work colleague from 2 years ago for making him like this, because the guy had some sort of "hold" "power" over him.
He says his life is destroyed, he is going through this every day, (the man is no longer in his life) then he says he has been like this for 6 years, sad, lonely no one there, When indeed his Dad, me , Grandparents etc have been there and trying to help.

I went to the Doctor to discuss what this stress was doing to me, the Doctor said we would have to get my son in to see him, That was in June, Ive tried and tried and tried and he is adamant he doesn't need help and wont take meds. He says he wants his life sorted out and will "see his day" with this guy. He says people do things deliberately to annoy him as they know what does annoy him. I keep saying no one has any power over him and they don't know anything unless he tells them. He completey opposes everything when I say this.
He has lost humility, compassion and says me and his dad have done nothing to help. We are never there for him, He doesn't see how much I cry, how stressed I am, but I keep trying, keep trying every day, keep saying we must go to the Doctor, must start getting help for all of us. He just keeps saying no he wont go to any Doctors and why is this allowed to happen to him.

Im at the end of my tether and cant live like this any longer.
He is moody, draining, and very unhappy. He has no real friends, no partner etc.
Infact he has complained about people in every place he has been for years, temp jobs, uni, other jobs etc.
He still manages to hold down for the minute this job, however long I don't know, I feel it turned a corner this week when he took 2 days off, he is however back to work today.

For instance if something happens , like say now the exhaust in his car is noisy, he blames it on the place where it had its MOT a few months back saying "they screwed him over" as its been like this since it came back, I know its only started being noisy a few days ago actually.
Everyone is "against" him is what he sees, he says he wasn't brought up to be able to "fight back" and we haven't been there for him when indeed that's all we have been.

Sorry for the long rant, I just cant take much more . I have said in anger if he doesn't come to the Doctor with me or go by himself or anyone else then he cant live here any longer. I know that's not the right thing to say but I am at the end of my tether and all he needs to say is "I want to get help" then it would be all systems go.
Ive spoken on the phone to help and carers uk etc and they all say he needs to make the first move, or at least gives his permission to allow them to help him.

Sorry I feel better I had to get this out.
The last few months, the rows, shouting , arguments from this house has made it such an unhappy home.


We cant even cough or clear our throats around him, If I need to then I find myself thinking "is he around" before I do this as this seriously something that annoys him as he relates it back to this guy at work who had some sort of power over him, even though the man didn't touch him, didn't directly have much dealings with him but someone how my son says "he knew what he was doing" and was there to destroy him.

Im not going to read this back to myself as I will end up not posting it as Im sure it doesn't even make sense but I need to get it out somewhere.
Thanks for listening.

See more...

Please feel free to carry on...

[Consistent]

Well yesterday was a year to the day our son got discharged from hospital, can hardly believe that, so yes he has been living at home a full year now!

He has seen the psychologist and will continue to see her, he likes talking to her.
He is home most of the time, he will come boring mundane places with us though, say hubby went to the car garage the other day, so he went along for the ride, he will come out with me anywhere I go if he gets the chance.

His new med is up and down at times too, or is that the illness, at times he does a lot of walking about , I never know if thats the side effect OR the med. The nurse seems to think its a habit, me , Im not so sure as sometimes I can hear him get up in the morning and start walking around right away in his room.

I do feel a lot of pressure sometimes to keep him occupied, or give him normal, feel good experiences as he has no motivation. So a trip out for a coffee then with the dog , that was two in a day lol.
Even if its something simple as taking the dog out with me, as he probably wouldnt do it otherwise, forget probably actually.

He will go to the football though, even if its by himself so he is motivated enough for that.
Hard to believe its three years since he graduated with his degree from University.

Thinking back the other night and some of the stuff I had no idea what was to come but at times now some stuff is making sense.

Anyway thank you all again for your continued support and encouragement, means so much. x

[daisymae]

From your original post it looks like you have come a long way since then even though things are far from perfect. I admire your resilience as it must be so difficult to have to keep going whilst at the same time keep a very difficult eye on your son. I'm glad things are getting better albeit slowly and hope you and your son find a way through this difficult period.

[Consistent]

Hi, just thought I would post an update.
My sons medication want right for him, we really weren’t happy with that new depot he started in the summer, there was too many side effects that we felt were detrimental to him. He slowed down too much , it was too sedating, it was lowered but still we really weren’t happy, my son never complained though , he is reluctant really to change anything, still we don’t discuss things much.

It was agreed bu dr and him and us that he , for the first time in 18 months he would start oral meds. Now that is a big step really with his history of non compliance. He stared them just over two weeks ago. He should be on his full dose from tomorrow and the depot will almost have left his system.

He still now and then talks breifly of his fixed couple of beliefs but he’s calm and can be usually distracted. He’s quite affectionate and seems to care about us so much more .

The side effects so far are still there though, I think yesterday I must have asked him nicely (at first) to,try to stop walking around (in the house that is) about twenty times. I suggest all sorts, go out a walk, I would go, he could take dog walk etc but it’s always met with “I’m fine”
If the walking doesn’t calm down in the next few weeks we will have to insist he takes something for it, he did for six weeks but it didn’t help a bit, but that was on the older depot med.

This med is meant to have less side effects, more encouraging motivation etc as that’s our sticking point.
He mostly seems happy ish and content but it’s tough seeing a 25 year old with what I call not much of a life.
He does go to the football with his dad though.
So for now I will take this. Some days are better than others, it’s a marathon after all not a sprint!

Thanks everyone for all the support.

[fl-veteran]

Originally Posted by Consistent

Hi, just thought I would post an update.
My sons medication want right for him, we really weren’t happy with that new depot he started in the summer, there was too many side effects that we felt were detrimental to him. He slowed down too much , it was too sedating, it was lowered but still we really weren’t happy, my son never complained though , he is reluctant really to change anything, still we don’t discuss things much.

It was agreed bu dr and him and us that he , for the first time in 18 months he would start oral meds. Now that is a big step really with his history of non compliance. He stared them just over two weeks ago. He should be on his full dose from tomorrow and the depot will almost have left his system.

He still now and then talks breifly of his fixed couple of beliefs but he’s calm and can be usually distracted. He’s quite affectionate and seems to care about us so much more .

The side effects so far are still there though, I think yesterday I must have asked him nicely (at first) to,try to stop walking around (in the house that is) about twenty times. I suggest all sorts, go out a walk, I would go, he could take dog walk etc but it’s always met with “I’m fine”
If the walking doesn’t calm down in the next few weeks we will have to insist he takes something for it, he did for six weeks but it didn’t help a bit, but that was on the older depot med.

This med is meant to have less side effects, more encouraging motivation etc as that’s our sticking point.
He mostly seems happy ish and content but it’s tough seeing a 25 year old with what I call not much of a life.
He does go to the football with his dad though.
So for now I will take this. Some days are better than others, it’s a marathon after all not a sprint!

Thanks everyone for all the support.

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Thanks for the update - I do think about this thread from time to time.

Sounds like you are doing a good job of dealing with the situation - like it's become something that's a problem you / he manage rather than having taken over your life.

[Guest]

Glad things have gotten abit better for you now, you sounded close to breaking point. Although he has a degree you have to accept he's not going to be a high flyer, hopefully that might come but it looks like his life is taking a very different path to the one that was expected.

It is a crying shame but the positive is that he is still alive and still with you. Hope this gives you some comfort xxx

[Consistent]

Thanks both, yes that’s how I look at it when I get down , ie he’s here,
Loved, safe and I know where he is, feels better when he’s close to us.

I know I mentioned he had the degree but honestly that ship has well sailed, I only feel sad for him in that way not a case of what he should have been etc, he’s my child. It feels sad when he says stuff like “look wher I am, I should have a car a job, a wife a family” I reply he still can have all of this but he maintains it’s mental health services holding him back which of course isn’t. I tell him now with the oral meds he rarely needs involvement with them and even then, they are brilliant and fit around his routine of needed.

Any positive would make me happy , if he said for instance he was going to take a hobby, go into town to buy himself stuff, anything.
If he had had a course, voluntary work anything I would feel his life was on the up and keep trying to encourage this, but I can only do so much and sometimes it gets tiring , but yes he’s here, safe and we have to learn to cope .
Hubby I feel is a little bit behind than me, but I keep encouraging him too and reminding him to try coping things for himself. It’s tough as he works at home for some of the week and it means everyone can be cooped up together .

Everyone here has been so supportive , thank you for that.

[meboo]

That sounds like wonderful progress. It seems that you are now moving on to worrying about his happiness rather than his immediate safety and well-being. It may be that he needs a considerable time at his current state before he can slowly move on to the next - rebuilding a life. But when that feels frustrating or heartbreaking, just remember how much progress has been made from your darkest days.

I do admire you , and think you have been a fabulous parent in the constant support you have provided for your son. I’m still optimistic for a ‘happy ending’!

[Guest]

Thanks for the update, I often wonder how you're all doing.

The big thing is finding the right medication and dosage for his particular needs.

Look after yourselves and look forward a better Christmas this year.

[Consistent]

Hi not posted here for a while.
Still treading water , my son has been on oral meds now for just over three months.
He had them increased slightly a few weeks ago. They aren’t brilliant.
We haven’t really moved forward much in the 18 months he has been out of hospital, as I say it’s like treading water.

He’s less calm on these we feel, he talks (animatedly) still most days there is something about the fixed delusions, same stuff as before?
We can’t really talk about meds or reviewing them without him becoming more animated. He gets quite bitter again accusing them of not being real doctors etc.

He only goes as far as our local shop and occasionally to football match.
He is up during the night a lot and lies in till mid afternoon.
I try to get him to come out with me at times, but he’s usually still n bed.
His CPN left late last year and he was assigned a new “care coordinator “ a young this time whom he told he doesn’t want to see him and doesn’t really want anything to do with him. Sad thing is the man has respected those wishes and never calls, despite meeting him when he was introduced to us saying he would call us. So basically he only knows what my son tells him. He hasn’t seen him for 6weeks now.

I did speak to the psychiatrist a few weeks ago but we haven’t had a review with himfor a while either.
I feel it’s a full time job, I try so hard but it’s fruitless at times.

I guess all we can do is still take one day at a time.
Hubby is different he isn’t as emotional as me about it and yet he gets more frustrated and annoyed.

Having a holiday in May with hubby so we have that to look forward to.
Thanks everyone for your support.