Refusing to do as told. Stressed

[xXxSammi88xXx]

Really struggling with my 5 year old ds. Today has been the worst morning so far. He got up ok and had breakfast but as soon as it was time to get dressed for school he had a meltdown. He cant be reasoned with,he was kicking and hitting us so we just had to leave him. Phoned his teacher and she said dont worry if he�s late. Finally got him to school 20 minutes late and his teacher who is fab came out to take him in.
He is under senco at school as he is so far behind in everything. She has said she thinks there is something wrong and i have said since he was 3 i thought he had autism but no one would listen to me. Have been to the dr for help but they wont help us until we have been on a parenting course.
He is obsessed with washing machines to the point i have to put it on at least 3 times a day. He spins his hands a lot,especially when he gets stressed.
He also has a speech delay and stammer so gets frustrated when he cant say what he wants. Speech therapist was useless and said no he hasnt got autism because he has a good imagination. All she picked up on was extreme anxiety.
Dont know why i�m writing all this down,think i just need to get it out. As soon as i wake up my stomach hurts and i get stressed as i know what awaits me when i have to get him up. Also have a 12 year old daughter and i feel like she�s being left out as all our attention has to be with our son to get him to do anything. Just feel like i�m not coping with it anymore. His behaviour/anxiety is getting worse and nobody will help up until we have been on this parenting course. Which has a 3 month waiting list.

[Vinniecat]

Gosh I am so sorry to hear this. I can't really provide any answers but I just wanted to offer you my support. It is terrible that you have to wait so long. Wishing you all the best.

[taylaboo]

So sorry to see you are having a rough time with your son. I can't help as I have never been in your situation but I'm sure there are dibbers out there that have and can help. X

[dietcokebreak]

I�m no expert but i have worked in a school where some children displayed some of the same behaviours.

Have you or the school tried makaton sign language to help your ds communicate until his speech catches up?

Difficult i know as your son hasn�t said why he gets so anxious, but we had one little boy who�s anxiety was entering the class when everyone was there, we arranged for him to arrive 5 minutes or so before everyone else and that helped.

Hope you get the help you need.

[xXxSammi88xXx]

Originally Posted by dietcokebreak

I�m no expert but i have worked in a school where some children displayed some of the same behaviours.

Have you or the school tried makaton sign language to help your ds communicate until his speech catches up?

Difficult i know as your son hasn�t said why he gets so anxious, but we had one little boy who�s anxiety was entering the class when everyone was there, we arranged for him to arrive 5 minutes or so before everyone else and that helped.

Hope you get the help you need.

See more...

No,he can speak but only people that know him can really understand what he�s saying.
His teacher has said he can be late and not to worry as she thinks it�ll be easier for him not to have to deal with everyone rushing in at the same time.
The main issue is actually getting him into school,getting dressed etc.

[mandco]

You have my sympathy as I have the same daily battle with my ds
Mondays and any day after a holiday are always the worst it took us 40 mins to make the 10 min walk to school this morning then he had another meltdown because he was late

There are things you can try
routine charts - you can buy or make your own to show what happens in what order visual guides can be helpful and take away some of the uncertainty.
set timers - We do 20 mins before 10 mins before and its time to leave
pick your battles -stick by the things that have to be - you are going to school leave the small stuff if he won't get dressed in his uniform is it really that important? put him in something else or leave him in his pjs. if that is what it takes to get him out the door then do it you can always send his uniform in with him.
Distraction- can you give him some simple tasks? I find telling ds I bet you can't do xzy(put your shoes on /put your coat on) before me makes him want to do it whereas if I tell him to or try to make him do it he'll refuse.
ask him to find something- we use that a lot on the way to school - can you find a red car, can you see a pink flower something you know he can see if he looks helps stops them thinking about the fact they are going to school.
If taking him in a few mins late helps and the school are ok with it then do anything that reduces his anxiety will help reduce meltdowns.

does he have anything that helps calm him? my ds loves fleecy blankets, squishy toys & fidget spinners building them into your morning routine can help keep their stress levels down.

once they are in a meltdown you cant do anything but ride it out you just need to make sure they are as safe as possible

[xXxSammi88xXx]

Originally Posted by mandco

You have my sympathy as I have the same daily battle with my ds
Mondays and any day after a holiday are always the worst it took us 40 mins to make the 10 min walk to school this morning then he had another meltdown because he was late

There are things you can try
routine charts - you can buy or make your own to show what happens in what order visual guides can be helpful and take away some of the uncertainty.
set timers - We do 20 mins before 10 mins before and its time to leave
pick your battles -stick by the things that have to be - you are going to school leave the small stuff if he won't get dressed in his uniform is it really that important? put him in something else or leave him in his pjs. if that is what it takes to get him out the door then do it you can always send his uniform in with him.
Distraction- can you give him some simple tasks? I find telling ds I bet you can't do xzy(put your shoes on /put your coat on) before me makes him want to do it whereas if I tell him to or try to make him do it he'll refuse.
ask him to find something- we use that a lot on the way to school - can you find a red car, can you see a pink flower something you know he can see if he looks helps stops them thinking about the fact they are going to school.
If taking him in a few mins late helps and the school are ok with it then do anything that reduces his anxiety will help reduce meltdowns.

does he have anything that helps calm him? my ds loves fleecy blankets, squishy toys & fidget spinners building them into your morning routine can help keep their stress levels down.

once they are in a meltdown you cant do anything but ride it out you just need to make sure they are as safe as possible

See more...

His teacher made him a checklist chart for the mornings so he can tick it off as he does it.
Friday was the first day that went ok but this morning he just didnt want to do it.
Usually i try distraction but he seems to have cottoned onto me doing that.
Only thing that seems to calm him atm is one of those fish sensory lamps. As soon as he started having his meltdown this morning he turned it on and started spinning his hands. Is your ds diagnosed? Part of me thinks maybe he�s just being naughty he will grow out of it but then on the other hand i think no this is isn�t right i need to fight for him.

[mandco]

Originally Posted by xXxSammi88xXx

His teacher made him a checklist chart for the mornings so he can tick it off as he does it.
Friday was the first day that went ok but this morning he just didnt want to do it.
Usually i try distraction but he seems to have cottoned onto me doing that.
Only thing that seems to calm him atm is one of those fish sensory lamps. As soon as he started having his meltdown this morning he turned it on and started spinning his hands. Is your ds diagnosed? Part of me thinks maybe he�s just being naughty he will grow out of it but then on the other hand i think no this is isn�t right i need to fight for him.

See more...

He was finally officially diagnosed last summer but it was a long journey getting there. His behaviour has always been difficult but got noticeably worse after he started school. Its very easy for some behaviours to be put down to their age and just being naughty which is whey they request you do the parenting courses but you know your child best and if your concerned then keep going back and don't be afraid to ask for help.Its really hard to admit your struggling to cope with your child esp if they are prone to violent behaviour and you do question if its your fault but don't suffer in silence or things will only get worse. You're already in contact with the school senco which is good but if your really struggling ask to make another appointment and see if there is anything else they can suggest while you are waiting.

[Pearlkeeper]

Hunni you are NOT alone! Being a SEN parent can and does put you on your knees. Your son is not naughty, he is not intensional giving you a hard time he is having a hard time himself. Mandco suggestions are brilliant but things like routine charts take time to have a positive effect, and that would be normal please stick with it. If you think it is Autism start reading up on the subject, know what you are looking at and talking about. You need to know enough to play the specialists at their own game. Start keeping a diary of every thing your son is doing that you feel is linked to his behaviour, its evidence to show specialists you need help not a 20 minute appointment and dead ends. Video melt downs to show people again evidence of what you are going through. Sounds like the school is on your side which is awesome, ask for a meeting with his teacher, SENCO and Head. Thank them for their support and ask for their advice, can they refer? what do they suggest on ways to moving forward? Can they think of anything that you can do to help more? Can they call in any specialist to help gain evidence? With your daughter be super positive, praise her and tell her you know it's difficult but your so proud of her and how she is dealing with it. Stress toys are worth their weight in gold in our house, look at amazon and Ebay and get a range of them to try. Start instant rewards for your son when things go well, I always had a pack of buttons in my handbag for just that. I put myself in charge of my sons special needs, I made myself a nosense till I was heard. I rang and rang these specialists and their departments, I sent emails with photos and videos, I chased and chased like it was a job. We got our diagnoses of Autism. It's not easy but if you work hard life becomes a little more routine based and easy. Godd luck

[Doowop]

In the same position here too. DD11 is awaiting ASD diagnosis, she may get to see someone around the time she moves to high school which really isn�t going to help.

We have to get her ready to go anywhere an hour before we�re due in order to cope with the socks that aren�t on right, the wrong pants, shoes not done up right.

Today we had a trip to the doctors as she had ear ache, she won�t let him look so he gave in and just gave her anti biotics which I think was wrong as now she�ll play up every time to not be examined.

My eldest is 22 now and went to uni and after uni went to live on her own as she couldn�t face coming back, she knows what the issue is now but that didn�t make her time here any easier. Do you have someone who could sit with your son so you could just have some you and her time?

I don�t know what to suggest for your son but if you want to talk about how you feel then i�m here to listen. If it�s any help I actually feel like I can�t breathe, i�m on anti depressants and beta blockers for stress, every day is like living on a knife edge and not knowing if you�re going to fall.

Sorry, it�s been a crappy afternoon here too x