So I told my girlfriend

[Mr Tom Morrow]

A horse and jockey were in the finishing straight, 8 lengths clear, when suddenly he was hit on the side if the head by a cucumber sandwich, this was followed by a sausage roll, a cake, then a plastic cup of lemonade, and finally a plastic plate, which caused him to lose his balance and fall off before he crossed the finishing line.

At the steward's enquiry, they said he was "severely hampered!"

[cartoonp]

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

[cartoonp]

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

[papamouse]

ive dried up on repeatable jokes for now, some of yours may give me inspiration - but thought you may like these:

Dave’s top 15 funniest jokes of the fringe 2017

“I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” Ken Cheng

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” Frankie Boyle

“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexei Sayle

“I’m looking for the girl-next-door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.” Lew Fitz

“I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.” Andy Field

“Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant.” Mark Simmons

“I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it …” Jimeoin

“I have two boys, five and six. We’re no good at naming things in our house.” Ed Byrne

“I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died ... which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.” Olaf Falafel

“Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences’, I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’” Alasdair Beckett-King

“A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.” Angela Barnes

“As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting, but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.” Adele Cliff

“For me, dying is a lot like going camping. I don’t want to do it.” Phil Wang

“I wonder how many chameleons snuck on to the Ark.” Adam Hess

“I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act.” Tim Vine

[FlorayG]

A chicken goes into a library, goes up to the desk and says "Booook? Booook?"
The librarian, laughing, gives her a book and she struts out with it.
Next day the chicken is back "boooook? booook?"
Librarian gives her another book and she struts out with it
Third day chicken is back, looking very annoyed "Booook? BOOOOOK!"
Librarian gives her a third book but, intrigued, follows her out.
Chicken goes to the local village pond and offers the book to a huge frog...who just says "REDDIT!"

[cartoonp]

.my dog keeps chasing people riding on a bike,... so I had to take the bike off him.

[cartoonp]

a middle aged man is stopped by the police, at 2 am, the cop says, what are u doing out this time at nite, the man replies, im going to a lecture, cop says, oh really, and wat is this lecture about, man replies, its about, alcohol abuse, smoking , staying out late, driving at nite, and, the effects on the human body,... cop says, and who is giving this lecture, man replies, the wife !
_______________

[papamouse]

Originally Posted by cartoonp

a middle aged man is stopped by the police, at 2 am, the cop says, what are u doing out this time at nite, the man replies, im going to a lecture, cop says, oh really, and wat is this lecture about, man replies, its about, alcohol abuse, smoking , staying out late, driving at nite, and, the effects on the human body,... cop says, and who is giving this lecture, man replies, the wife !
_______________

See more...

funny

[Clamshell]

NEWS HEADLINE

A 2 seater Cessna plane crash landed today in the graveyard of St Mary's church.

So far 276 bodies have been recovered.

The investigation continues...

[papamouse]

MASSIVE FIRE in Poundland...

Luckily the shopping centre was closed and no one was injured...

Please estimate damage at around £46...