How to help an alcoholic ?

[sarahmarie173]

So sorry to hear you are going through this, I have done extensive research and training into addiction and the one thing I can tell you is until your sister recognises that she has a problem, she won't reach out and she won't want help. The first step to recovery is admitting that she has a problem - something that can happen only when she is ready. All you can do at the moment is let her know that you are concerned and want to support her in her journey to get soba.
Identifying her triggers is the first thing that she will need to recognise and after that seeking professional help - they will put her on the path they believe will benefit her the most.
In respect of her husband, it will no doubt be draining for him, it mustn't be nice watching the person he loves self destruct without even realising it but there is help out there and support for him too, it sounds like he loves her very much but these things take its toll on families and can have detrimental affects.
mind.uk has lots of information including support mechanisms for you and your family.
I wish you all the best x

[sarahmarie173]

Originally Posted by kirstielou

My Husband is an addict. Cocaine & Alcohol. He hit rock bottom 8 years ago and we separated. I was on my own with 2 yr old twins. We were separated for 9 months and I asked him for a divorce. Initially he agreed but after a couple of days he asked to see me and he knew he had to change and get help.

Its been a difficult road but we all spent his 1000th day clean in the Magic Kingdom as a family. I even got him a celebration button with 1000 days on. He's now over 7 years clean, way more healthier and we are just as much in love as we were when we got married.

He has replaced his addiction with another one though... golf!

klairbear - He works for CGL too

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it is lovely to see your husband come out the other side, and what a way to celebrate 1000 days clean! well done to him x

[buryboy]

I have spoken to my sisters partner today ( while she was out)
Open and honest conversation.
He reckons she has between 1 and 2 bottles of wine a night, every night. More often than not it’s the top end of that scale.
He reckons that she is managing work fine . ( she is effectively self employed ) . She is up and working by 7 to half past, and works until 4 . And then the drinking starts.
She has always been a drinker but lockdown has made it worse because she doesn’t physically have to go anywhere very often now . So she can drink more without having to worry about having to drive the next morning . And also because she doesn’t have the commute , she can start work earlier , finish earlier , and hence start drinking earlier.

He says that the issue is that once work is done , she has had nothing to focus on , so just drinks. Obviously people haven’t had much of a social life but he says anything social is just around the pub / having a drink etc.
It does appear that some of her friends since the easing of lockdown have noticed a change in her and tried to tell her that she is going over the top.

Her basic reaction is either to return with a criticism of the other person , or just to say that she can say and do what she wants.
He claims the only explanation she gives is to get away from bad memories , eg a previous boyfriend who was violent , and secondly also a very unpleasant experience that she blames her partner for.
Nothing is ever her fault . That’s always been the case with her though.
I havent configured a plan yet, but it sounds like she has caused issues with her partners family , and he is stuck between a rock and a hard place in that he obviously doesn’t want to upset his family and potentially lose some of them by defending my sister , but if he did go against her , if they split up she would almost certainly go even worse.

I am so unsure how to tackle it. I can only see her pushing back and making it worse .
But I can’t have my mum , who literally moved into her permanent house in my sisters village last weekend , fretting all the time.
Seemingly she witnessed my sister drunk in the afternoon last weekend and that has set her off.
About 10 years ago she ( my mum ) ended up in hospital with chest issues after falling out with my sister over her drinking back then . ( when it was nowhere near as bad )
My mum is a worrier and this will bear heavy on her if she sees her drunk more regularly .

I don’t socialise with my sister often so am sheltered largely from what is going on , and have largely ignored it until now .

But when you hear about a neighbour’s family member dying from alcoholism at 48 recently and eg Andy Fordham the darts player dying yesterday at 59 , it brings it home what a real problem it is

Sorry for the long post - just wanted mainly to get it down in writing for me to remember the conversation.

[Jakey Neverland]

I dont think you can help someone, it has to come from within and sadly most of the time they are happy doing what they are doing regardless of others. My best friend's son lost his dad (her ex) earlier this year due to the same thing and now a 15 yr old has to grow up without a dad as his dad couldn't just put the family first.

My father has drank for the best part of 14 years following the death of his mother, he will never give it up now. He does know though he cannot drink on family events as he has been kicked out of my sisters house one xmas because he was **** faced. He also was a wreck when he last came on holiday with us around 9 years ago, how someone could have been that drunk at 4am in the morning is beyond me and god knows how he was let on the plane.

[barryp1]

Originally Posted by buryboy

He reckons she has between 1 and 2 bottles of wine a night, every night. More often than not it’s the top end of that scale.
He reckons that she is managing work fine . ( she is effectively self employed ) . She is up and working by 7 to half past, and works until 4 . And then the drinking starts.

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That is not an alcoholic.

It's heavy consumption which may be a different problem depending on tests which can be taken for kidneys, liver etc.
Some people can't manage half a bottle of wine a day but others can manage 2 or even more.

[buryboy]

Originally Posted by barryp1

That is not an alcoholic.

It's heavy consumption which may be a different problem depending on tests which can be taken for kidneys, liver etc.
Some people can't manage half a bottle of wine a day but others can manage 2 or even more.

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I am learning with all of this .
Why do you say it’s not an alcoholic ?
Because she manages her work ok ?
To me ( as I say I am trying to learn ) she fits the phrase ‘ functioning alcoholic’
Her socialising appears to revolve round having a drink. Eg ‘ shall we go for a walk ? ‘Yes , we can stop at the pub half way round’ Shall we go to B&Q ? - ‘ No ‘
( appreciate I am adding fresh info here )
Today with it being sunny , from what her partner told my missus the other day , she will probably have been drinking from lunchtime in the garden - as no work to do and nothing else to occupy her.

Her and her partner have talked about scaling back on work ( mid fifties ) in next couple of years . His main concern is that it’s the work that is keeping her ‘ functioning’ - take that away or reduce the hours working , then he fears the drinking will only get worse

[buryboy]

Well I had my first ‘chat’ with my sister last night .
Her partner text me saying he had left her in the pub as she was causing a scene again.
Sounded like a cry for help so I went round and faced what I should have tackled ages ago.
It started off well , she accepts she drinks far too much .
Blames previous life events ( one in particular that she blames her partner for and others which pre-date her partner )
To me though while what she has been through was difficult , all I see is an association between these life events and the drinking. So actually the more the drinks , the more she thinks about these bad experiences.
So it’s all very counter- intuitive.

She claims she wants to get help and wants to drink less but seemed to put up a reason why she couldn’t start on it today for everything I suggested .
I am sure that is classic alcoholic talking.
‘ yes I can have days without drink , I’ve done ‘ dry January ‘ etc before ( but not recently ) but when you suggest ‘ well let’s start tomorrow ‘ , or the next day etc, she always had a reason why she couldn’t ( mainly rubbish reasons)

I see a long long road ahead . Her partner is clearly at the end of his tether.

She has agreed to have 4 days out of 7 where she has no more than 2 glasses a night ( can drink more on other nights) . There is no way imho she will be able to get anywhere near that but let’s see.

[returnplanning]

Originally Posted by buryboy

Well I had my first ‘chat’ with my sister last night .
Her partner text me saying he had left her in the pub as she was causing a scene again.
Sounded like a cry for help so I went round and faced what I should have tackled ages ago.
It started off well , she accepts she drinks far too much .
Blames previous life events ( one in particular that she blames her partner for and others which pre-date her partner )
To me though while what she has been through was difficult , all I see is an association between these life events and the drinking. So actually the more the drinks , the more she thinks about these bad experiences.
So it’s all very counter- intuitive.

She claims she wants to get help and wants to drink less but seemed to put up a reason why she couldn’t start on it today for everything I suggested .
I am sure that is classic alcoholic talking.
‘ yes I can have days without drink , I’ve done ‘ dry January ‘ etc before ( but not recently ) but when you suggest ‘ well let’s start tomorrow ‘ , or the next day etc, she always had a reason why she couldn’t ( mainly rubbish reasons)

I see a long long road ahead . Her partner is clearly at the end of his tether.

She has agreed to have 4 days out of 7 where she has no more than 2 glasses a night ( can drink more on other nights) . There is no way imho she will be able to get anywhere near that but let’s see.

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Fingers crossed. It's a long, frustrating and often painful journey ahead.

[caj]

Originally Posted by buryboy

Well I had my first ‘chat’ with my sister last night .
Her partner text me saying he had left her in the pub as she was causing a scene again.
Sounded like a cry for help so I went round and faced what I should have tackled ages ago.
It started off well , she accepts she drinks far too much .
Blames previous life events ( one in particular that she blames her partner for and others which pre-date her partner )
To me though while what she has been through was difficult , all I see is an association between these life events and the drinking. So actually the more the drinks , the more she thinks about these bad experiences.
So it’s all very counter- intuitive.

She claims she wants to get help and wants to drink less but seemed to put up a reason why she couldn’t start on it today for everything I suggested .
I am sure that is classic alcoholic talking.
‘ yes I can have days without drink , I’ve done ‘ dry January ‘ etc before ( but not recently ) but when you suggest ‘ well let’s start tomorrow ‘ , or the next day etc, she always had a reason why she couldn’t ( mainly rubbish reasons)

I see a long long road ahead . Her partner is clearly at the end of his tether.

She has agreed to have 4 days out of 7 where she has no more than 2 glasses a night ( can drink more on other nights) . There is no way imho she will be able to get anywhere near that but let’s see.

See more...

You've probably tackled this with her ... but would counselling for the incidents help her. Tackle the underlining causes?

You have a long road. We'll done for supporting both your sister and bil.

[Hammerstone]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink is a saying that comes to mind.

Its good she's conceded she has a problem, but i think the references to dry Jan etc are actually counter productive. From what I've read her issues appear to be with her relationship with alcohol and other life issues, stopping drinking for a period of time just freezes the problem rather than deal with it, because alcohol is obviously a coping mechanism.

I actually was a binge drinker rather than someone who would drink every other day. Id do things like dry jan and all that jazz, but would then have a blow out weekend and end up drinking probably a bottle or 2 of spirits a weekend over a 2 day binge. In the end I had to make a choice between that and my marriage. No big therapy etc, it was just a conscious decision. Now a year later I only drink when I have a reason to, IE going out, a celebration etc.

For me my main thing was for those 2 days a week i got black out everything around me and all my problems would go away and I could be any character i picked (I'd often be social, going out, fancy dress all that stuff). Maybe once she gets to the root cause of issues it will have a knock on effect to drinking, but like I said she will have to want it herself. I know from experience people constantly giving me their advice sometimes pushed me away further, so its almost a course of self discovery..which might mean she has a dose of reality (IE her partner leaving).