How to help an alcoholic ?

[buryboy]

Sorry this may get into a long post .
That is just to try to give people the full story so that they may be able to pick stuff out of it .

I believe my sister is an alcoholic.
She seemingly drinks a couple of bottles of wine every day .
She has a long term partner , they own a house between them and I think that is the only thing that is keeping them together at the moment. They have been great together but this drinking is causing a massive problem between them .

As some of you know , my mum lost her husband a few months ago and is now living near my sister. ( we are only a few miles away) . We helped her move into her new house yesterday. Mum mum has realised the extent of the problem and it concerns her greatly . Mum has no-one else near us other than family, all her friends are back in Lincolnshire so she needs us all.

When moving yesterday , my sister was still seemingly drunk from the night before . Her partner was talking to my missus and said she had taken wine up to bed with her. My sister said he was lying . I doubt it. He seemingly said ‘ you shouldn’t be driving ‘ but she fobbed him off.

She just doesn’t see the problem , or at least deflects away from it completely . According to her , the reason for her and her partner not getting on is his fault ( for something else)

Her friends who are also drinkers ( but not alcoholics ) are concerned for her.

She always portrays herself as this perfect person - but I think this is actually because deep down she is insecure and it’s a front she puts on ( very well ) to cover it up.

I can’t afford to fall out with my sister - my mum can’t afford to fall out with her- but my sister is very strong willed and I think we could both end up falling out if I tackled her. But I need to do something .

My mum lost her half sister to alcoholism many year ago and just knowing how much my sister is drinking will have a bad mental effect on my mum

What do I do ? Any advice appreciated .

Thanks

[popsiwinkle]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, it's so hard to watch a loved one develop an alcohol problem. I worked for a drug and alcohol charity until April and know the toll it can take. In terms of the best kinds of strategies to use, the most effective ones are not pushing too hard and trying to persuade or confront someone out of an alcohol problem. It's so tempting to do that because you feel so strongly about it but the harder you push the more likely they are to push back in the way they know how and drink. If you are able, sit down with her and express your concerns coming from a place of empathy and non-judgement. Telling her you love her and are worried about her drinking. But, importantly, telling her that it is her choice what she does about it. You can't force her to change, but trying to raise your concerns, telling her if she wants help that you'll do anything you can but that it's up to her is more likely to move her towards change than trying to emotionally force her there. It's counter intuitive I know to say 'it's up to you what you do' when everything is telling you to tell them what to do but it does make it more likely they'll contemplate change. Also be careful with the language you use, many people will get defensive when the term alcoholic is used (others embrace it but it's not a term we use in non AA services generally) because it often conjures up a specific image of the way someone drinks and not everyone relates to that.

It's a really tough situation and I really hope that she takes on board your worries, she's clearly in the pre-contemplative stage of change at the moment but maybe hearing your concerns might help start to move her forward a little. I hope you find some resolution for you all.

[Morganza]

Difficult situation. The alcoholic really has to help herself. So hard for you and the family watch someone destroy their life.

You might find this website useful al-anonuk.uk/

[macdonald]

So sorry to hear this, my sister is also an alcoholic!.I have lived around heavy drinkers all my life and cannot give you an answer...Its a terrible addiction that affects everyone around them!..Counselling i believe would be the way forward but your sister would need to recognize her problem & agree to go for help!. This illness is affecting more & more people and i wish there was a quick fix but unfortunately its a long road to recovery..My heart goes out to you and your Mum ,you are not alone in this and wish you every hope of finding a way forward .

[shirley]

My main concern would be her drink driving, some poor family could possible lose a family member to her selfishness. I for one would report her if I ever saw her driving with any amount of booze in her system! That might be the wake up call she needs. Perhaps her partner should also be pro active if they aren’t happy together , force a house sale or similar xx

[Fluffypenguin]

It is a difficult situation to be in.

My mum has had mental health problems for over twenty years and on and off she has had problems with drink.

It’s hard and I think I’ve had to accept that people need to help themselves before things will change. My mum will only stop drinking when she wants to, if doesn’t want to, there’s nothing I can do to help.

She’s had a lot of things over the years, including psychiatrists, counselling etc and she has been sectioned previously, but she doesn’t manage to stay on the path for long before it all goes downhill. Mental health is a difficult thing for everyone to manage.

[levtweeney]

We had/have a similar issue with my wife's sister. She was/is an alcoholic and when my wife broached the topic with her (trying to be gentle and supportive) the sister in law went mental, accusing my wife of all sorts. It came down to the SIL telling my wife she would not have a drink for a week to prove she did not need the alcohol. She did not last the first night. It got to 18:00 and she started to come up with excuse after excuse why she did not need to stick to it (Why should I prove i'm not an alcoholic etc etc). she then proceeded to drink two bottles of wine and started on the vodka before we left.

My wife is still there for her sister, she still sees her, supports her, helps her financially when needed but like others have said unless people are willing to seek support or admit to a problem it is going to be a long road. We are still on this road to recovery and may be for a long time to come.

Sorry I could offer no help other than to say your not alone in this

[Floridatilly]

My mum is struggling at the moment and therefore drinking too much. My sister and I have expressed our concerns about the drink and she is trying to miss a day, so drinking every other. She had to go to bed at 8pm last night to avoid the wine.
My mother in law sadly passed away at the age of 52 due to alcoholism, she would never admit to being an alcoholic so there was nothing anyone could do.
My brother in law is an alcoholic, been dry for 10 years but did fall of the wagon for a month last year. He wants the help and determined to be dry.
What I am trying to say is that you can only help those who first of all admit they have a problem and want the help.
Its an awful thing unfortunately x

[Sue]

Seek help for yourself and your mum.
Try and gently, without being confrontational, point out to your sister that you have some concerns about how much she is drinking, offer to help if she wants it.
Alcoholics, like anyone with an addiction, have to own that there is a problem before they will deal with it, many recovered addicts say that they had to hit rock bottom before this occurred.
All addicts lie, to everyone, but mostly to themselves.

My history? I had an uncle who was an alcoholic, successfully, after many failed attempts, recovered aged 50 and never drank again.
I worked in adult mental health which involved dealing with a lot of addicts.
I was married to a then sober alcoholic, dry for 12 years of our marriage then started drinking again and could/would not stop. We sought help for 5 years before I had to leave for my own sanity and before we both ended up in the gutter. He died 20 months later of liver failure, aged just 46.

Like many others, my story and yours are not unique, there is help available to you but you cannot help them unless they want you to and even then, it may just be said to please you without any true commitment to change.
Sorry but I wouldn’t want to tell you that it is going to easy, it isn’t.

[tspill]

Originally Posted by shirley

My main concern would be her drink driving, some poor family could possible lose a family member to her selfishness. I for one would report her if I ever saw her driving with any amount of booze in her system! That might be the wake up call she needs. Perhaps her partner should also be pro active if they aren’t happy together , force a house sale or similar xx

See more...

Two bottles of wine per day would pretty much put you over the driving limit pretty much 100% of the time.