Who can I talk too?

[Disneymaddaddy]

Bit of a long one...
My OH’s mum has mixed dementia and is in a care home. She is 94.
Prior to the onset of dementia my OH used to get her some money weekly to pay the cleaner and gardener etc, his mum got a power of attorney drawn up and both OH and his sister were named on it but his mum never sent it off and it’s no where to be found. The family solicitor said if it could be found it would still stand as he witnessed her signing it when of sound mind but it’s no where to be found.
When she first when into the home OH thought it was temporary and paid the gardener and cleaner but was advised by the social services team not to access her funds so he stopped. Her bank cards are in her house and have not been touched.
Lately last 3-4 weeks she keeps phoning OH saying he has taken her money and he keeps reassuring her all her money is in her bank account. I can tell it’s upsetting him and he knows it’s the dementia But what if someone believes her. The care home have said that perhaps he should bring the card to her but he is worried that the card could be given to anyone and she may remember the pin.
Is it worth him speaking to social services! he is happy for them to check her accounts and see that her money is still all there other that her bills going out on DD. The only calls he gets from his mum are her saying he has taken all her money and she is going to call the police. He knows it is the illness but he worried someone may think it’s true.
Any advice?

[Dr.JumbaJookiba]

OP, you and your OH have my sympathy in a very difficult situation, I was attorney for both my parents.

I can only recommend applying to be a deputy as you cannot find the POA documents but it would at least allow your OH the peace of mind to pay bills etc with supervision from the court that approves it.

moneyadviceservice.u...ental-capacity

[Island mamma]

If she has a social worker appointed it can't do any harm for him to talk to them, and if not for him and his sister to ask for one to be appointed for her. In the circumstances he should probably speak to the bank and take advice on what to do with her bank cards and access to accounts. Very upsetting for him to be accused of wrong doing, even if he understands that this is the illness talking, and very important for him and his sister to maintain full and open communication between themselves and all those with responsibilities for his Mum.
Hope they find the POA or come to another workable solution

[Mel49]

My Dad suffered from Vascular Dementia and every so often though he would be more coherent and ask if my Mum was spending all his money and I used to explain that his pension paid for his care home fees and treats etc. I did at one point actually take in the Bank Statements and although he did not understand them it seemed to pacify him for a time.

Maybe your husband could take in a Bank Statement just to show her the money is still there (or send one to the home for her key worker to show her if no visiting at the moment) and that may be enough for her to stop mentioning it. As for the Bank card as she cannot use it and no-one has authority to use it I would take it to the Bank for them to destroy and get an acknowledgement that this has been done.

I had a Power of Attorney for both my parents and have one for my Mother in Law but the lawyers kept the original and I was just told to contact them if actually had to start using it. There will be an alternative but as I am in Scotland I'm not sure what it would be but if she does not have capacity there will be a solution.

As your husband is not guilty of any crime he just needs to keep telling her the same thing over and over again or change the subject quickly when she mentions it which sometimes works. I appreciate how hard it can be but hopefully he can try and not take her comments to heart.

[skalexander]

I agree with the suggestion that your husband and/or his sister apply to be a Deputy. It seems that your mum in law has lost the capacity to manage her own affairs, and I would suggest it would be desirable that someone have the legal power and responsibility to make decisions and manage finances.

[linder]

Did she take a handbag or other bag with her, could it be there? My mil had all sorts in hers

[FlorayG]

Apart from it being really upsetting I don't see that there's anything to worry about. He's no longer accessing her account and bank statements will prove that he hasn't been spending her money if evidence is needed.
In the care home they will understand her illness but if he wants to be reassured he could take the bank statements to show the care home manager perhaps? Then they will be certain he's not doing what his mother thinks he is

[Disneymaddaddy]

Hi everyone

Thanks you so much for your responses.

We will definitely ring the bank and advise them about the card.

We did look into deputyship as my OH and his sister are estranged so no comms channels are open. The solicitor say it can cost a lot of money and that both him and his sister have to agree and I doubt she will as the solicitor wrote to her and she didn’t respond to the letters and emails and she hasn’t been to see Their mum in the 6 months she has been in the care home. The care home have said she never answers the calls or on the rare occasion she does she just tells them to ring my OH.

It’s an awful situation but sadly not all families are Disney-like!

[Smilesonfaces]

I can understand why your OH is so upset. I believe accusing loved ones of taking their money is quite common with dementia sufferers. Could the bank card be cancelled with the bank and then given to mum so that she could have the card in her possession but it could not be used. I did this and also gave my mum a purse with coppers in it so felt she still had her own purse. Personally I wouldn’t have wanted the nursing home to see any bank statements because my mum was very private and her financial affairs were none of the care home staffs business. A good idea about checking the handbag- my mum had all sorts in there !
As others have said you may need a court order so OH and his sister can act as deputy. I didn’t know about this at the time. Someone needs to control finances, to pay care home fees and buy personal items. I do know legally what I did was wrong but I already knew all my mums PIN numbers. I used to do her banking before dementia and she couldn’t manage chip and pin. She could trust me totally and I changed her address so her statements came to my house and I used to show them to her. I kept every receipt for everything I bought for her.

The care home will know this behaviour is absolutely normal and I would not try to justify anything to them.

Hope your OH sorts something out, dementia really is the cruellest illness.

Edited because I just saw your previous reply. I think your OH and his sister need to talk. Dementia is cruel on the family too and maybe his sister just can’t handle it. My brother and I hadn’t had the best relationship previously but we knew when it came to mum and her care we had to communicate x.

[StorybookCircus]

I have no advice to offer but I just wanted to tell you that my OH’s grandfather developed the same obsession with money when he went into a home due to dementia. He used to be a bank inspector and had loads of investments so it was a holdover from his “old” life- even when he was retired he used to manage his grandkids’ savings accounts and do the books for his daughter’s business. He was happy once his son brought his bank statements and a dummy bank card to the home for him to keep in a drawer. It felt a bit dishonest but the care home staff advised that the best way to handle dementia is to gently deflect the person and not to argue with them and potentially cause more stress. In short, this behaviour is normal, albeit very upsetting- the care home staff may have ideas to help you all cope. My thoughts are with you and your family Xx