At a bit of a loss - DD wants to quit uni

[hipthehippo]

Hi
I guess I just need to get this down as I'm at a bit of a loss to know what to do. DD is 20 and has always struggled with school, college and now uni, partly due to physical health (polyarthritis which can and has confined her to bed for weeks), late diagnosed dyslexia and also anxiety and depression. She had a full blown panic attack on Friday morning as she was supposed to go for her work placement (which she didn't make) - I spent 40 mins on the phone - and by the time I got home on Friday evening was still really wobbly. It came out over the weekend that she really hates uni (her decision to go, no pressure from me) and is finding it incredibly difficult to work. She's doing baking and confectionery so more than half is practical work and she's producing some amazing stuff, but she can't seem to see how well she's really doing. There are only 2 unis that do her course, the one she's at in Birmingham and one down here, in London. I've asked if she could try changing unis but she doesn't think that will help.

She's now thinking about trying for an apprenticeship (so hard to find in what she wants to do), trying to find local courses or applying to The Princes Trust to find out if they will help with funding for her to start her own business.

I really don't know what I can do (if anything). The people I have mentioned it to all have the same response "Oooooh, she'll regret it if she doesn't finish". But, isn't her mental health more important? If she's not coping and hasn't been for a while, then perhaps it really isn't for her. I've been aware for quite a while that she was struggling, but was hoping that she'd be able to work through it.

She's devastated. Feels like she's letting herself down and me and her grandmother too. We'll support her whatever she decides to do, but I'm so worried she'll end up not doing anything.

Thanks for reading.

[duchy]

She is so close to the end of the year now that to not grit her teeth and complete the year would be a shame. Would knowing she could defer next year whilst she tries an apprenticeship but keeps her options open in case she wants to go back if the grass wasn't greener be an option.

I'm a great believer that uni isn't for everyone and it can be very hard on some kids who discover they aren't suited and apprenticeships can be better but so close to the year end not finishing the year may be something she regrets later.

I'd get her to come home for a few days (making sure her tutor is kept in the loop) and have a bit of breathing space.

Is she freaking out because end of year exams/assessments are just around the corner by any chance ?

[Pjamas]

Poor thing, instead of dropping out can she defer for a year and just have a year working and not training to take the pressure of assessment off and focus her long term goals. If she is too poorly to hold down a full time position and this a likely scenario in the long term - maybe she needs to forge a career that is designed for her - can she not just work for herself and bake celebration cakes/ make sweets and sell them on Facebook/etsy/crafting community - I know plenty of girls that earn full time salaries working for themselves from home doing cakes and sweets. It can be done.

[hipthehippo]

Originally Posted by duchy

She is so close to the end of the year now that to not grit her teeth and complete the year would be a shame. Would knowing she could defer next year whilst she tries an apprenticeship but keeps her options open in case she wants to go back if the grass wasn't greener be an option.

I'm a great believer that uni isn't for everyone and it can be very hard on some kids who discover they aren't suited and apprenticeships can be better but so close to the year end not finishing the year may be something she regrets later.

I'd get her to come home for a few days (making sure her tutor is kept in the loop) and have a bit of breathing space.

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Originally Posted by Pjamas

Poor thing, instead of dropping out can she defer for a year and just have a year working and not training to take the pressure of assessment off and focus her long term goals. If she is too poorly to hold down a full time position and this a likely scenario in the long term - maybe she needs to forge a career that is designed for her - can she not just work for herself and bake celebration cakes/ make sweets and sell them on Facebook/etsy/crafting community - I know plenty of girls that earn full time salaries working for themselves from home doing cakes and sweets. It can be done.

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She is going to finish out her year - I'm not sure if she'll find an alternative placement so that she passes (fingers crossed she will).

And, I didn't even know about deferring for a year - I never went to uni and she's my only child so have no experience whatsoever

Thank you for those suggestions - I'll talk to her about it and the looking at FB/Etsy. She might have to rent half a kitchen (we have a dog and wouldn't pass health and safety) but it could be do-able. Thanks for the ideas.

[StorybookCircus]

I think her mental health and physical health are both more important.
I graduated in 2010 with a 2:1 in English Literature. During that time I came extremely close to taking my own life twice. I refused to attend my graduation ceremony because I was given a paltry two weeks extra to complete my dissertation (I had called the doctor's myself the Friday before the deadline saying that I wanted to drop a wardrobe on my hands and break my bones so I couldn't work!) In my mind, I hadn't completed the work in the allotted time so I didn't deserve to graduate like everybody else. I still find it impossible to feel proud of my degree.
Due to ongoing anxiety and depression plus associated physical issues (chronic headaches, frequent migraines, IBS) and some additional ones (endometriosis) I'm working in a job that's very similar to the one I had aged 16- library assistant. It's 9-5 and I can cope with the stress levels.
If your DD can find work that makes her happy then I say the degree certificate isn't worth it. I don't know much about degree level baking (is it technically an art degree?) but due to the amount of practical work she's doing I'd guess that potential employers are far more likely to judge her on the quality of her work than on a degree certificate.
I would recommend that she contact her uni in the first instance to see if they can offer her any assistance, including time off to regain her health.
If she decides that leaving is the best option, she should try and find a low-stress job in her preferred field ie a small local bakery.
It sounds easy to people without anxiety but it can take a long time for those of us with poor mental health to adjust to working alongside colleagues, getting up and getting to work on time, just dealing with the 9-5 and still having energy to function outside work! Your DD might find that she can only cope with part time work right now, or discover that she would be happier working for herself (the Princes Trust route)
It's all about becoming aware of how much she can cope with right now and adjusting her plans accordingly A happy, healthy, but unqualified cake decorator is a better thing to be than a depressed, unhealthy, unemployed and isolated graduate!

[motherclanger]

I was in a similar position near the end of my 2nd year. My mental health was in a bad way because of it. Everyone encouraged me to keep going because I would regret it if I dropped out. With hindsight, I wish I had dropped out and asked about deferring a year because I only just scraped through my degree and didn't enjoy the rest of it at all. I really should have taken some time out to treat my anxiety/depression.

Most universities are really helpful if they know the situation and will do everything they can to help.
Does she have a personal tutor she could talk to, or is there a student support centre? She might find it helpful to discuss with them (and you) what her different options are and choose what option suits her the best.

[duchy]

I'd focus on deferment at this point as it keeps her options open.
Is she speaking to her tutor and student support at this point. They need to be kept informed and may have some useful suggestions too.

[hipthehippo]

StorybookCircus and motherclanger - THANK YOU! I struggle with my own mental health sometimes (I did try to take my own live twice when I was in my teens) and so often have to be so careful that I'm not projecting how I may be feeling instead of what she's feeling. Both of you are so right and StorybookCircus you've hit the nail on the head.

Thank you all for making me feel so much better.

She has my support whatever she decides to do.

[Guest]

I quit uni a few months in. It just wasn't for me and made me really unhappy.

I don't regret it, I have less student debt than most people my age for the same job really.

Do what makes you happy I say, then you'll never have any regrets.

[married2mm]

2 extremely bright friends of dds dropped out of uni
One was at Oxford didn't even make it to the end of his first year-he was extremely mentally ill and suffering really badly is now very happy with his life and himself in general more importantly.

Another switched courses and still couldn't settle and actually moved into residential care for a while-it's one step at a time -nothing is more important than health and happiness.
Going to uni can be deferred-your life cannot be put on hold.

In my own family-ds was undecided after 6th form-however really knew he didn't want to go to uni-eventually found an apprenticeship and bless him has matured beautifully whilst there.

the last few months I've known he's not happy-we eventually had a sit down and he told us he dreaded going in and hated the night before feeling.
I told him life was far too short to feel that way at 20 and find something else.

Eventually came to the conclusion he needed to leave sooner rather than later -and although it's by no means a good situation he's in with nothing lined up-it's far better for his mental health and that what counts.
He's leaving on Thursday and we go on holiday next week.