So I told my girlfriend

[cartoonp]

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? A

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why do they use sterilized needles
for death by lethal injection?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my
FAVOURITE...

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
__________________

[cartoonp]

At the wedding reception, the photographer yelled, 'Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.'

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

[stupet11]

When I read these out home, my kids leave the room.

Except my daughters boyfriend, who stays and laughs.

The creep!

[cartoonp]

Originally Posted by stupet11

When I read these out home, my kids leave the room.

Except my daughters boyfriend, who stays and laughs.

The creep!

See more...

😂

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing
Street; one from London, another from Bristol and the third from
Liverpool.

They go with a government official to examine the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run at about £900; that’s £400
for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then
says, 'I can do this job for £700; that’s £300 for materials, £300
for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says 'You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, 'That’s £1,000 for me, £1,000
for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that Friends, is how it all works

[cartoonp]

Love it 😂

[cartoonp]

A golfer was having a terrible round – 20-over par for the front nine with scores of balls lost in water or rough. When his caddie then coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, he lost it.

“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.

“I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be too much of a coincidence

[cartoonp]

there’s this snail, and he’s really tired of being slow, so he goes to the nearest Renault dealer and buys one. He has them paint a big red S on the side, (for Snail) so everyone will see him and, marveling at his new speedier lifestyle, exclaim “Sacré bleu! Look at that S-car-go!”

[cartoonp]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

[cartoonp]

The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!