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Unread 25 Aug 19, 01:27 PM  
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Concerns about daughter

Apologies for going incognito, but you may understand why shortly.

I am quiet worried about our 12, almost 13 year old.
She is incredibly hard to define, she is a unique kind of girl, which is a blessing and a curse, as most parents off unique kids will understand!

So many issues. Where to start? Grab a coffee

She still wets the bed. She is seeing a nurse about it. She isnt proactive in taking the tablets despite reminders, and to be honest doesnt seem that bothered by it . Sometimes we go weeks dry and then weeks wet, and a mixture in between.

She is becoming more and more overweight. She has moments of saying she wants to sort it out, especially when she was teased at school by a moronic kid also we went holiday clothes shopping recently and she got very upset as nothing fitted she did join up to slimming world with me months ago, but realised its boring and doesnt want to go back or follow it herself.
She eats very healthily, I follow SW so all her main meals are SW friendly. But she is a big snacker. Her room is full of wrappers hidden away. It seems she uses her bus money for snacks after school and walks instead. Daddy is unable to ever say no to the kids, and will think nothing of letting her have a magnum ice cream on a walk at 5pm when dinner is 6.30, that sort of thing. He knows he needs to change that, but he is a people pleaser (fine when its me getting my way!)
I am slowly cutting down her portions, such as spreading it out on the plate to look bigger etc, higher percentage of vegetables etc . She eats tons of fruit and veg (however starting to become slightly more picky, things she used to love are now gross apparently... )
It is a very fine balance between addressing the situation and encourage healthy living, and not wanting her to have hang ups, as it is a delicate area for young girls, and boys!

Anyway, onto the next...hygiene is a big issue currently. She is going through puberty, so naturally odour can be an issue if not prevented and treated. She will go days without a shower. Swear blind she had one when I was at work etc, despite stinking the house out, not helped by the bed wetting... She recently went a over week without washing her hair, even when she was going to meet a friend
She doesnt care if the clothes she wears are stained, dirty or just very bizarre combination (I am certainly not the fashion police by any stretch of the imagination but some things are cringing) She recently had non uniform, it was the day it hit 35c, I hadnt seen her before she went in as was at work, she went in black leggings and a very oversized stained t.shirt. I could of cried. All the other girls were in lovely dresses and shorts and t.shirts. She said she didnt care, but she must do.

She is stubborn beyond belief. She will not ever take advice, and even if she says she will, she wont. She is sometimes impossible to help. I try to explain I only want the best for her, she says she knows, but then its straight back to old habits.

The puberty outbursts have started, but not too bad considering.

Socially she is a bit awkward! It has been mentioned by school she is a immature for her age. She has friends, but they rarely last too long. After a while she always says their weird or their annoying. We cant help but worry she says this as thats what they have said about her to her face recently she had a lovEly friend, we were so happy, even had her for a sleepover that went well but the last few days the shes Annoying comments have started...

She has never really been a touchy feely kind of kid, shes the only one in our family not to say I love you voluntarily, which is never pushed, just a bit sad as we are a very loving family, well I like to think

Academically she is about average, nothing too much to worry about, just needs a bit more effort and less talking. However it has been raised she messes around in class sometimes, playing the clown to make people laugh.

Reading this, it looks like she is depressed. But we really dont feel she is. Over all she is a happy girl, she talks endlessly about things she loves, like animals and certain you tubers... gets excited by the usual things, and we havent seen her cry in forever. She does however become obsessed by things, to the point of driving us mad. Like last month she wanted a new phone, its all we heard about 24/7 for two weeks, then it was a rabbit, researched everything it needed to last detail. despite me saying we cant have any more animals (we have three already as she was desperate for them )

A friend is a paediatric nurse and said she has wondered for a long time if she has some mild learning difficulties, with the messing around, poor social and personal skills, obsessive behaviour, bed wetting etc. I wont lie, it has crossed my mind too.

Please, if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom I would really appreciate it. I feel I am becoming more and more negative towards her, which wont help the situation at all! I just want to make her happy. But I feel like everyday we are getting closer to sometime quite negative
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Unread 25 Aug 19, 01:37 PM  
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I am not going to diagnose anything as I have no medical background, but I do have a stepson who is mid twenties who has just , despite years of visits to gps , etc been diagnosed as high functioning autistic.

I am not his mum and his mum does things her own way , which she is entitled to.

absolutely everything you have described are part of his daily life .

Sneaking eating
Lying about taking a shower when he pongs
Obsessions with things
Not a care in the world about what he wears or if its filthy or unironed
Gets down but then this alternates with over excitement
No filter or diplomacy around people

I hope this can give you a bit of guidance and progress with finding a resolution or someone to diagnose if your daughter has additional needs.

I will also say my mother and grandmother were and are obsessed with weight, dieting, calorie counting etc I went to my first slimming club when I was about 11 ..I am now 51 and all my life have had issues with food I am overweight but I know that being constantly monitored by my mother ( and she still does it) affected me deeply.

Edited at 01:42 PM.
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Unread 25 Aug 19, 01:39 PM  
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Oh so sorry for this situation about your daughter, I think she does sound bit depressed too, regarding the food, can you try & have less snacks around the house, Dad need to realise hes not helping her with spoiling her with extra food.
With the hygiene again try & negotiate a deal like if she has a shower every day, then she gets extra money or game or something.
Buy her a bus pass then she wont be able to spend the cash on food, try & get out & do fun activities with her that involve moving & talk to her teachers see what they think 🤔

Hope things improve for you her & rest of family X
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Unread 25 Aug 19, 01:45 PM  
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I think you need a referral to see a paediatrician for a good check up. Have you spoken to school about your concerns?
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Unread 25 Aug 19, 01:53 PM  
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Im a parent and head teacher and I would definitely follow this up with the school or doctors. There are some things in your post that remind me of things people do with Aspergers or possibly a mental heath issue. The schools senco should be able to advise you further. Girls are known for masking symptoms of aspergers/autism very well and often are not diagnosed or diagnosed later in teens. Bless you all anyway, sounds like things can be tricky with her.
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Unread 25 Aug 19, 01:56 PM  
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Definitely have a chat with the GP together about the bed wetting and perhaps you can bring in hygiene then too?

I would agree with others that incentivising her to eat appropriately and wash regularly are probably your best ways forward if she is stubborn.

With students that are over weight/poor hygiene/dirty clothes etc we teachers are trained to watch these children carefully by recording our observations and raise issues appropriately - have school been in touch? They might have already noted some of your concerns and could help?
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Unread 25 Aug 19, 01:59 PM  
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Go see your GP and explain what you have just written on here.

My son has just been diagnosed with Aspergers at 20years old after crashing and burning in his first year at University and some of the things you have written could easily been written about my son.

Your GP should be your first stop and make sure you get some support for yourself from the GP.
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Unread 25 Aug 19, 02:10 PM  
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Again, can't diagnose but being a Mum of two kids (one Male, one female ) with high functioning autism, I'm with everyone else.
Keep a dsily diary of behaviours, eating habits etc.
Ask school to help with things they have noticed.
Speak to your Dr

Diagnosis can take ages take get,
but you can tap into support groups.
(You might find theres a local youth group you could see she may want to attend with other kids on the spectrum - you won't need a diagnosis)

And keep talking to us!
Theres always someone on the Dibb with the answer
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