What to do about my mum...?

[riversider2014]

So, back in May my dad died suddenly after a short illness. My mum (77), although she worked, was the archetypal housewife who basically lived for my dad so as you can understand is pretty lost without him.

I know it's only 6 months, and after 50 years together it is a big loss, but at this moment in time she is not showing any sign of wanting to live her own life (e.g. she doesn't like being in the house during the day so will just go into town for a couple of hours for no reason other than not to be at home).

Anything we suggest, like maybe working a couple of hours in a charity shop or looking for coffee mornings, is pretty much dismissed out of hand.

Do we just let get back to a 'life' in her own time or at some point do we have to sit down and have a 'chat' with her saying that she cant spend the rest of life doing this?

I should add that she does have a circle of family nearby who she'll go out with and she stays with my sister once a week and we have her down for weekends so she's not alone all the time but I just want her to be able to do 'proper' things by herself and not just mooch around the town centre for a couple of hours..

[floridasgirl]

If she's happy with going into town, I don't see what the problem is?
I'm a stay at home mum and it can be really lonely at home during the day.
I volunteer in ds school one afternoon a week but don't like commitng myself to things otherwise as want my time to be my own even though I do sometimes get lonely!
What did she do with her time before your dad died?

[WhereIBelong]

She is 77 - what exactly do you want her to be doing? My mother's life consists of:

mooch round town, cleaning followed by feet up with a cuppa and a good book in the afternoon, skype chat with family in the evenings/TV and a snooze - she loves it - she is 79, so when can she get to do what she likes after a lifetime of taking care of dad.

[Jan]

She needs time to come to terms with the loss of a husband and dear friend and to re-adjust. It seems she has lots of support but quiet times are good too.

[riversider2014]

Originally Posted by floridasgirl

If she's happy with going into town, I don't see what the problem is?
I'm a stay at home mum and it can be really lonely at home during the day.
I volunteer in ds school one afternoon a week but don't like commitng myself to things otherwise as want my time to be my own even though I do sometimes get lonely!
What did she do with her time before your dad died?

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They lived for their holidays, going away 3 or 4 times a year to Benidorm/Tenerife. At this moment in time there is pretty much no way that she is going to do this again.

Before dad died they would just spend time around the house and going out in town very occasionally to do the shopping. At the moment I don't think she is happy going into town as the only reason she is doing is to get out of the house..

Guess i'm just feeling a bit sad for her today, I just want her to at least consider going on holidays again etc and getting back to a life again. I suppose i'm also comparing to my DW nan who lost her husband shortly before we met and does so much now despite her age yet my mum doesn't look remotely like she'll ever want to do anything again..

[Jaybeez]

6 months isn't very long. My mum was 50 when she was widowed and didn't really start going out for meals and seeing people properly for at least a year, her heart just wasn't in it. She ended up travelling the world, but to begin with it's just baby steps whilst adjusting to a different life.

[Guest]

It is very early days. No I don't think you should sit her down for "a chat", leaver her be. I am also puzzled as to why you are concerned about her going into town, to me that seems like a positive thing, better than sitting around the house.

Just keep doing what you are doing, which is being there and looking out for her.

[riversider2014]

Originally Posted by Claudette

It is very early days. No I don't think you should sit her down for "a chat", leaver her be. I am also puzzled as to why you are concerned about her going into town, to me that seems like a positive thing, better than sitting around the house.

Just keep doing what you are doing, which is being there and looking out for her.

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I'm not particularly concerned, I guess I just want her to be able to spend the day in the house and not be sad which is why she goes out now.

[Mr Tom Morrow]

Mmm. My Mother was widowed back in 1988 when she would have been 63.

She moped about for a few Months, then took her driving test and passed first time!

Following that she 'worked' on the WRVS (or similar) stall at the University Hospital but soon gave that up as she didn't like it.

She had a big circle of friends and they rallied around.

Why was she lost for nearly a year? Because she didn't want to burden her friends but after a period of time they got through to her that she was part of their lifelong group and not a burden - that was the turning point.

For the next 20+ years she galavanted everywhere. Took countless Saga trips to America but used to abandon them near the end as she got fed up with the old biddies (her words not mine). That was when she was in her mid 80's!

Let her find her own way. Be there to support. Dont make a rod for your own back by being at her beck and call and visiting all the time. I did and my God it was hard to break that routine.

[Jan]

Wise words, as usual Mr Morrow.