Mum, dementia, carehome and power of attorney

[boo2]

I’ve been thinking about posting for many weeks but everything came to a head again today. I’m so upset, drained,angry and frustrated all at the same time. I just can believe that a so called relative can be so evil and controlling😡.
So a bit of the back story... I need to apologise because it’s really long!
My Mum is very secretive and spent a lot of her life keeping different secrets from different family members but in 2017 I finally convinced her to go the GP and go on the waiting list for the memory clinic. I knew she had dementia but she was very much in denial. My aunt (mums sister) is a spinster and very controlling and a complete busy body who likes to know everything. She really frustrates everyone but because I work full time she took mum to the appointment. ( first big mistake on my part!) At this point Mum was still able to do everything for herself but things that were not routine were becoming more confusing. Mum started getting upset by scam phone calls, one in particular really upset her so I bought a call guardian phone for her. This is when the trouble with my aunt started she went absolutely nuts about me installing it,apparently I wouldn’t have done it without informing her blah blah blah! At this point mum still has capacity but the whole situation was turned round to be all about my aunt, it was crazy, you couldn’t even make it up! The aunt started hounding me to find out everything and anything I did or said to Mum to the extend I couldn’t handle the continuous phone calls at all hours and told her to leave me alone eventually having to block her number after she told my daughter she thought I had a personality disorder and I was crazy!
The contact from my aunt stopped which was a great relief but as mums memory deteriorated it became more difficult to piece together what was happening.
Fast forward to August 2019 and I got a phone call from local council carers to say mum wasn’t at home should they be worried?! I had no idea my Mum had a care package which had apparently started 3 days prior. Apparently my aunt now has Power of attorney (both welfare and financial) and has arranged the care package i
because she told the council she had been caring for my mum for 2 years and was exhausted😡. Mum was still cooking for herself and cooking meals for friends coming round, doing her own washing and ironing, cutting her grass, gardening and going for walks! She possibly needed a prompt to take medicine but that was all! 10 days later my mum became very unwell and needed surgery. The crazy aunt tells the consultant that Mum can’t go home she can’t manage and my aunt can’t do it anymore. Mum was extremely confused having been seriously ill and being moved round several wards in a couple of day. The aunt lists herself as next of kin😡
Mum has not helped herself by making a friend, her account ( who also works for my aunt) and my aunt power of attorney. My brother is also power of attorney but wasn’t invited to the hospital meeting where it was decided my Mum would go to a carehome😡. It had been her one wish not to go to a carehome.

The crazy aunt told the hospital that I was estranged from the family and then listed me in the carehome information as “other” they were not aware mum had a daughter, 3 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren😤😡. We also had to get permission from her to visit, this only got granted because by this stage I had formally complained about her behaviour to social work department
Social work have been a nightmare, I have no rights because the power of attorney has all the rights. My brother is also welfare power of attorney and has not been kept informed, social work say it’s not their responsibility to make sure he is being kept informed😡.
The crazy aunt tried to keep mum confined to the carehome on Christmas Day, she didn’t want me to take mum out. Mum has been at my house on Christmas Day for the last 21 years! My brother had to give me permission to take my mum out.
The house now needs sold, I’m not allowed to go round it without the account or the wicked aunt being present despite them saying they have taken anything of value out of the house already.
I’m so emotional, the women is being completely controlling, nasty and so wicked! I know all this is not what my mum would have wanted, it makes me so sad 😞

[DizzyDisneyMum]

I'm so sorry, this is all so sad!
I have no experience or words of wisdom, I'm sure there will be someone along with more knowledge of this type of thing.
I think that I would be contacting a solicitor as a matter of urgency though.
Sending all my best wishes x

[Dr.JumbaJookiba]

Sorry to hear all this, it must be very stressful. You need to see a solicitor with POA experience ASAP and look into trying to get it changed as next of kin.

[DisneyDaffodil]

So sorry to hear this. It really is one for a solicitor asap though, with specialist knowledge of POA. One thing you could ask your brother, as he has POA too, is if they can act separately or does everyone named as attorney have to agree? This could mean that your aunt could be stopped by your brother from making decisions solely for your mum in the short term at least. But please see a solicitor

[Taffy1959]

I'm so sorry to hear this but I agree with the other posters you need to take some legal advice.

[boo2]

I’ve spoken to citizens advice already, they were pretty useless but confirmed That my brother and I are next of kin I’ve already complained to the office of the public guardian. The accountant that is the second financial POA works for my aunt as well! He tried to make me withdraw the complaint against them. He is completely on my aunts team and isn’t at all thinking about what Mum would want in all this, which is what the whole point of POA . I’ve read though the guidance for someone who lacks capacity (adults with incapacity act Scotland) and they have totally disregarded all of it just taking the path that is easiest for my evil aunt. Social work department is trying to blame the community psychiatric nurses saying she did all the assessments so social work aren’t to blame😡 The Social worker in charge of Mums case said she had only met my mum once or twice and went by information that CPN gave her😡. Social worker is saying she didn’t realise Mum had other family even although Mum is perfectly able to be asked and give clear answers about that.
I’m contacting a solicitor on Monday, I’ve got hardly any rights as her daughter and because the witch aunt has both welfare and financial POA she is calling all the shots, it’s absolutely disgraceful.

[Taffy1959]

Originally Posted by boo2

I’ve spoken to citizens advice already, they were pretty useless but confirmed That my brother and I are next of kin I’ve already complained to the office of the public guardian. The accountant that is the second financial POA works for my aunt as well! He tried to make me withdraw the complaint against them. He is completely on my aunts team and isn’t at all thinking about what Mum would want in all this, which is what the whole point of POA . I’ve read though the guidance for someone who lacks capacity (adults with incapacity act Scotland) and they have totally disregarded all of it just taking the path that is easiest for my evil aunt. Social work department is trying to blame the community psychiatric nurses saying she did all the assessments so social work aren’t to blame😡 The Social worker in charge of Mums case said she had only met my mum once or twice and went by information that CPN gave her😡. Social worker is saying she didn’t realise Mum had other family even although Mum is perfectly able to be asked and give clear answers about that.
I’m contacting a solicitor on Monday, I’ve got hardly any rights as her daughter and because the witch aunt has both welfare and financial POA she is calling all the shots, it’s absolutely disgraceful.

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You're doing the right thing in taking legal advice and I hope you can get the help you need to sort things out.

[lizzie145]

Absolutely need to get legal advice as soon as possible. Are you in a union as they often have free legal advice as a starting point. Or your house insurance?

CAB wong be specialised enough for this.

Sadly my experience of social workers is not good and whilst all disciplines are supposed to meet and discuss cases this doesn't always happen.

[boo2]

Originally Posted by lizzie145

Absolutely need to get legal advice as soon as possible. Are you in a union as they often have free legal advice as a starting point. Or your house insurance?

CAB wong be specialised enough for this.

Sadly my experience of social workers is not good and whilst all disciplines are supposed to meet and discuss cases this doesn't always happen.

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Thank you, yes, I’ve requested a telephone consultation with a specialist through my union. I totally forgot about house insurance, I will have a look.
The whole thing is such a mess. To begin with I was told that my brother could go with me to the house. I wanted to pick clothes for Mum, she had 4 wardrobes full, some things were new. The aunt has got rid of everything apart from half a dozen tops a couple of cardigans and a pair of boots. When I complained about it she told the social worker everything was too big for mum😡. The wicked women doesn’t like mums style, mum has always worn clothes that are too big for her. In the care home she isn’t wearing things because she doesn’t recognise them. The aunt has bought things that she likes in a style that mum would never wear😡. The shoes she has in the carehome are cast offs that used to belong to the aunt and the same with the slippers! Mum is still so active even the carehome have noticed how she can walk for miles. she goes for walks with the cleaner to get supplies from the shops far further than my aunt could ever walk!
The aunt even told my children not to buy Christmas presents for mum because it would make the room cluttered and she would have to clear it! Mum asked for a diary for Christmas, I don’t think she would write in it now but I got it, it’s vanished from the room.
Pictures have been brought in from mums house but none of me, my daughter challenged the aunt and she got told mum didn’t want a picture of me! This is a lie because I asked mum if it would be okay to bring one and she mentioned it was the only photo she was missing! The aunt is wicked, I can’t stand her, I’m waiting for the karma bus😢

[greekgranny]

Sorry if I have missed it but have you reported it as Elder Abuse?