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Old 23 Mar 20, 11:28 AM  
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#251
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A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter’s strange eating habits.
–“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?”
–“Eventually,” said the consultant, “she will rise and shine.”

2 to cheer us all up
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Old 23 Mar 20, 11:37 AM  
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A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.
After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Bed hard!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Food bad!”
And then he resumed his silent study and work.Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “I quit!”

The head monk shook his head and said, “I knew this was coming. You’ve done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!”
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Old 24 Mar 20, 01:15 PM  
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#253
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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Old 24 Mar 20, 02:03 PM  
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A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."



Man to florist: 'I'd like a bunch of flowers, please.'
Florist: 'Certainly, sir. What flowers would you like?'
Man: 'Er.. I'm not sure...Ummm..'
Florist: 'Let me help you, sir - what exactly have you done?'
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Edited at 02:05 PM.
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Old 26 Mar 20, 03:27 PM  
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Man walks into a bar and notices all the shelves are empty apart from some bottles of gin and whisky on the top shelf. “Ahh, I see you’re keeping your spirits up.”
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Old 26 Mar 20, 06:51 PM  
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A three legged dog with a stetson on his head and a six-shooter on his hip walks into a saloon, gives the bartender his best Clint Eastwood stare and says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
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Old 28 Mar 20, 07:01 PM  
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#257
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Why

Why are boxing rings square?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?≈
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?≈
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Old 3 Apr 20, 08:16 AM  
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Mr Tom Morrow
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A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to one of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' the piece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.

'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again.

The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?'

'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'
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Old 3 Apr 20, 08:37 AM  
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man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.

“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.”

He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
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Old 3 Apr 20, 11:40 AM  
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Mr Tom Morrow
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An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts.
So the driver
happily munches them.

Every 5 minutes she gives him a
handful more peanuts.

Driver: Why don't you eat them
yourself?

Old lady: I can't chew. Look, I
have no teeth.

Driver: Then why do you buy
them?

Old lady: Oh, I just love sucking the
chocolate around them.
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