"Vi kommer til å trenge en større båt!" :: DAY 5

[JamelUK]

Day 5 - Linz has a Flim Flåm

WARNING!

The following Trip Report is a rambling reflection on life and the little challenges it presents us, laid out in a Carry On Innuendo style that some have found inappropriate or offensive.

IF YOU DON’T FIND OBSERVATIONAL SATIRE FUNNY - PLEASE LOOK AWAY NOW!

For everyone else with a sense of humour, please pull up a chair & make yourself comfortable.
Consider yourself warned!

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<< PREVIOUSLY = Day 4
NEXT >> = Day 6

Monday 28th June.

Overnight, Azura has travelled further north and at around 1am turned right into Sonjefjord - the world's longest fjord.

Half way along, we turned right again into Aurlandsfjord, a cul-de-sac which leads to today's destination - Flåm

Now, can we all please just take moment to practice the correct pronunciation?

After hearing various versions of Flum, Flame, Flim and even Phlegm, we checked with the locals.

All together now - its "Flomb" - a sort of abbreviation of Flour Bomb.

I know all of this because if you turn on Channel 2 on your TV it tells you all about it on the "Navigation Channel"

I’ve found these really useful whilst cruising, given my CSE Geography lessons entailed our Deputy Headmaster writing "please continue to copy out Chapters 7 to 29 from your text book into your exercise book" whilst he smegged off to the Staff Room to watch cricket.

It would come as no surprise then that, along with the rest of the entire class, I got an F in Geography. To this day I’m still convinced he had significant dirt on the board of Governors.

Mel's iPhone goes off and she snoozes it.

When it goes off the second time, I’m a little confused.

I’d set my own for 7:30am and yet it hasn’t made a sound.

I suddenly remember its 6:30 on Monday, so this is actually Mel's normal attempt to get her out of bed in time to look punctual at work.

I try and get back to sleep, but the damage is already done.

I mute the TV to watch Mast Cam. Its soundtrack is generally something from the "Now That's What I Call Pan Pipe Jazz Improvisation" collection.

Seeing that we are very close to docking, I quickly deal with the 3xS's, grab my camera and head out to watch and take pics.

There are quite a few doing the same this morning, and here is why.



Welcome to Flåm.



I make no excuses for the high pic content of today's episode. This is one of the most magnificent examples of the natural beauty of our planet.



If you ever needed a reason why you should put some effort into your green thinking, this is it.



I catch up with Mel back in our cabin around 8am.

She has back ache and hobbles with me to Deck 15 and breakfast.

We spot they have Cinnamon Rolls on offer today. They're very good but nowhere close to Orlando (or indeed our own) standard.

With Mel still in pain, we check out the onboard shop and luckily find they have tubes of Deep Heat for sale.

Now we just need to figure a place I can get some on Mel's back.

Walking down the deck a bit we spy an empty disabled toilet and head in.

For a couple of minutes Mel does her best to stifle her cries of "aaaaahhhhhhuuurrrghhh! " as it reaches the spot.

Luckily nobody spotted us either going in, or coming out of the disabled toilet together. Even if they had, I would have simply explained to them that we are married. And we are cruising.

If you managed to keep up with last night's plans (and you would be excused if you lost the plot with Lindsay's constant fiddling and change of mind) you may remember we had arranged to meet on the dockside, by the end of the gang plank at 9am.


We are first there. And take much pleasure in pointing at our watch when Linz and the Topps arrive 5 minutes later.

We head off together to the Flåm Railway Station to see what tickets we can get.


Of course, as we didn’t go with my original plan, and get off the ship as soon as it had docked, the first few trains are now fully booked and the first available for all of us is 12:20.

This is perfectly fine. It takes an hour to the top and another back again. Everyone needs to be back on board by 4:30pm at the latest tonight. Plenty of time.

Or so you would think.

I have to be honest, it’s not a cheap trip. A family ticket for 2 Adults and 2 Kids is 850NOK. Given the rate of exchange at the time of publishing, that’s £85.

Given the expense, Matt & Lindsay are keen to get off at the top to explore. Despite Mel and I telling them that there is nothing there other than a small hotel and a connection for the mainline train to Bergen.

This conversation continues as we take a picnic bench and let the kids play on some swings.


As the Topps continue to argue, making less and less sense with every breath, and with a row brewing I do what any loving brother-in-law would do. I left Mel to mediate while I walked off to take more pics.



I take loads of pictures of Azura, one of the bigger cruise ships in the world, moored up to the tiniest of stone jetty's. Doesn’t it look bizarre?




Flåm only has a population of around 450 people. Yet through the summer season they are joined by over 5,000 cruise passengers on an almost daily basis. I am more than happy to report they all extend a very warm and incredibly friendly welcome.




Returning to Mel, The Topps and the picnic table I discover that Lindsay's flapping has moved on to new subjects. She can’t remember if she agreed to meet Bill & Christine at the gang plank at 9:30 or 10:00, so we best go and check.

[JamelUK]

Making the short walk back to the ship we all show our cruise cards to the impenetrable security provisions - a local police officer sitting on his deckchair under an umbrella.

Come 9:40 there is no sign of Bill & Christine, so Linz heads on board Azura to go and look for them.

No sooner has she disappeared up one gang way, they appear down the other - they must have crossed in different lifts.

Just as I start to despair that we are going to spend the next hour playing wild goose chase with my darling sister-in-law around a large cruise ship, Lindsay returns. She wastes no time in continuing her stay on the train or get off the train debate with her parents.

Mel and I move quickly on to the nearby gift shop, where we spot that after her previous visit with us in 2008, they are now making and selling effigies of Lindsay.


We also spot this troll that, without doubt, has been modelled on a former British prime minister.


Wandering further around Flåm, I take even more pics of this simply stunning location.


And Mel takes a pic of me taking pics.


As I want to climb up a hill a bit to take a few better shots, I leave Mel on a nearby bench as she still has a pain in her back. She assures me it's not Lindsay.



Rejoining her 10 minutes later I tell her that I need the toilet and we should head back to the station.
"But we have ages to wait yet!". I explain, in my most diplomatic & husbandly way my bladder will let me, that we really don’t!

Making quick strides to the loos in the station we bump into Bill & Christine.

He is keen to show Mel how he has acquired an absolute bargain. He has found a really good, soft cushion - ideal to place under Christine's paralysed arm, and it has been reduced from its previous 129NOK to just 29NOK.

Fascinating, but I fear I may be testing its absorption properties if I don’t get to empty my bladder real soon now. Could this have anything to do with the amount of Red Bull I’m drinking?

Excusing ourselves we head onwards and Mel suggests that we could really do with some snacks whilst on our train trip. Great idea, so killing two birds with one stone I head back to our cabin to relieve myself and to grab some coke cans and crisps.

Guess who I met in the lifts on the way up?
She's wearing an incredibly short black mini skirt today to match his blue slacks and black shirt.
Sadly Mel had my camera, as I feared this would slow me down, so I missed another pic opportunity.

On the way back down I bump into the Topps, who have had the same snacks idea.

At around 11ish, so fearing she might miss the 12:20 train, Linz has really now reached Flap Factor 10.

She asks the kids if they want to keep their own cruise cards.
When eldest child Ben says "Yes please!", her response is "No you can’t. I’ll keep them. You might lose them"
"Why ask then?!", pipes up a quickly maturing nephew.
Linz tells him to stop being so cheeky.
He looks at me with those "please adopt me legally" eyes.

Leaving them to do more shopping in the gift shop, I race off to find Mel and sanity.

At 12pm, the train arrives and we ask the helpful train guard if we can have a ramp for Christine and her wheelchair.


No bother, we are all quickly on board.


Check out the size of my lens.


See how sunny it is here?


About 10 minutes later there is a HUGE rumble of thunder and this happens...


I swear there were hail stones the size of golf balls.

Most of it has blown over by the time the train leaves, as scheduled, on the stroke of 12:20.

Words alone cannot do this justice, so Ive spent the morning creating a little visual treat for you.
Enjoy.



Near the top, the train makes a scheduled stop for 10 minutes. It's not a station. It's so you can get a great view of this INCREDIBLE waterfall.




They tell you about the legend of Huldra - The Lady of The Forest

Originally Posted by Wiki

The Huldra is a stunningly beautiful woman with long hair; though from behind she is hollow like an old tree trunk, and has a cow's tail.

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Whilst you stand and watch the waterfall, she makes her appearance...


I suffered for my art. I shot this standing right against the barrier at the front. By the time she's finished I am dripping wet.
Yet I feel they should offer this as a spa treatment - I feel wonderfully refreshed.


Leaving the awesome power of the Kjosfossen waterfall, which tumbles 738ft to power a Hydro-Electric plant at the bottom of the valley, our climb eventually reaches its peak at Myrdal.

The conversation as to whether the Topps should stay on or get off continued right until we got there. Then a couple of things quickly made their decision for them.

At Myrdal, the Flåmsbana line pulls up to a mainline train route to Bergen. And so waiting to board our train are around 100 or so Japanese & American tourists who have cruised to Bergen, stopped at the nearby Vatnahalsen hotel overnight and who now want to catch our train back to Flåm.
It's also lashing down.

Lindsay glues her kids to their respective seats and we all stay put.

On the journey down we stop off at the waterfall once more and grab a few more shots.


Christine and the kids drift off to sleep as the train winds its way back to Flåm.


I spot this safety sign.


It reads "Call the train personnel if anything unusual happens".

I’m on board a train that spends a good majority of its journey clutching to the side of a ravine supported only by wooden girders.
I’ve just watched a mythical woman dance in front of a massive waterfall.
I’m sitting next to a Japanese tourist who seems more interested in taking pictures of her friend opposite than she does of the view out of the window.
And then there's Lindsay.
When do you draw the line?

As the Topps stop to take a few final photos...


...we head back on board with Bill & Christine.

[JamelUK]

Mel's hungry so heads straight upstairs to the grill for a burger.

I make a detour via our cabin to charge my now dead Nikon and change my clothes - throwing my others in the tumble dryer at the launderette. Very handy and it’s all free.

Catching up with Mel I grab my own Chicken Burger.

No more than 10 minutes later we both decide we are still hungry, and so grab 2 more. It must be all the fresh air we've had today.

We then head back to our cabin for a Topp's free siesta till about 5pm.

Checking today's Horizon I see that we have thankfully missed one of the scariest looking oxymoron's Ive ever seen...


Its smart casual again tonight, so I squeeze on those jeans which ASDA have obviously labelled incorrectly.

As we are still early for dinner, I let Mel and her bad back slumber a while why I head upstairs to take more pictures of our sail away from Flåm.


If you ever get the chance to visit this place, you MUST.


Tonight we will sail down the Aurlandsfjord again and back into the Sonjefjord. As it stays light pretty much through the night at this time of year we get to watch this beautiful scenery pass by the sides of Azura through the evening.


Collecting Mel we head once again to the Oriental restaurant to arrive first yet again. This is becoming a habit.

We are soon joined by The Topps who have been buying some of the Photo Team's efforts. They’re not actually too bad.

They are also discussing plans for future cruising.

Matt tells us how he's already been asked several times whilst aboard Azura how they manage with 5 kids, as the regular cabins will only sleep 2+2. Their answer this time is "Grandparents".

But when sailing on their own it’s not a cheap option to get two cabins. They are already considering RCI, having had their own brilliant experience onboard.

Mel and I quickly throw Disney Cruise Line onto the table, mentioning that they are now sailing closer to home. There is a brief flash of interest, so this must be explored further on our return to Blighty.

Tonight's food is good, but not outstanding. Hence there are no pictures.

I believe the chef is also in "casual" mood, as it’s your standard steak, chicken or lamb options. Here’s the menu.


The soup is French Onion which, in a total reverse of last night's soup course, everyone but me really enjoys.

The sweet choice is better, with most opting for a scrumptious looking Strawberry Shortcake while I have coffee ice cream. On my own, without any interference.



For the past few night's Dan has been having an ongoing conversation with his Auntie Mel, explaining that he knows Brewster Bear at their local wacky warehouse is actually one of their neighbours in a costume, but is Mickey Mouse real? Despite his continuing puzzled looks, Mel assures him that Mickey is 100% genuine and 100% real. Everyone knows that.

This is soon overshadowed though by Bill trying out his favourite joke on his Grandson. It’s the Bungalow joke. You know the one - "Bung A Low roof on...". Oh how we laughed.

Dan didn’t. He didn’t get it. At all. A frustrated and tonight, sober Bill spent several minutes trying to get a glimmer of recognition from Dan, but nothing. I’m not even sure Dan knows what a bungalow is.


With coffee's drunk, we head out to tonight's entertainment.


Now I’m sorry Martin Gold, its my personal opinion, but you are a long way from being "hilarious".

He comes from that tired old group of working men's club comedians who believe they can still perform an act that includes both racist and homophobic humour.

I’m sorry, but this is the 21st century and trying to justify your tired routine by suggesting "We should all just have a laugh at each other" is just a very lame excuse for your ignorance.

He does raise a few giggles with the usual aged cruise jokes - "Why do I keep waking up with chocolate all over my face?" and "Did you know that the port holes on the Queen Mary are bifocal", but overall, he sucked.

Quickly making our exit, Mel's back gives a twinge again.

Remembering though what a good night we had the last time we cruised down the Fjords at night, she agrees to one night cap in the Planet Bar.

The Planet Bar is like a crow's nest at the back of the ship with amazing views - similar to that they have on the Bridge.

Mel confidently strides into a lift.
There is only one lift which goes all the way to the Planet Bar. And this isn’t it.

We get out on Deck 16 - the Upper Sun Deck, where it is still pleasantly warm and we are surrounded by a continuing panorama of picture postcards.



They're showing "Mamma Mia" on the SeaScreen tonight.



We do eventually find our way to The Planet Bar, but as many others managed to use the correct lift it’s now packed.

Looking at Mel’s face I can see her back has had enough. I take the hint and we head off to bed.



Our TV is able to pick up CNN via satellite tonight. I can’t make my mind up whether it’s just the American way with bad makeup or as a result of poor reception but everyone is bright Orlando Fanta orange.

I turn over to Mast Cam to watch us turn right out of Sonjefjord and into Nordfjord towards Olden.

As we do the water becomes a little choppy and Mast Cam becomes Mist Cam as we sail into fog.

Sleep time.

COIN DOZER SCORE = 2 red & 2 blue dice, 2 yellow & 1 pink whistle, 1 blue & 1 yellow gem, 1 pink & 1 blue YoYo and 1 purple bear
NO. OF COKE CANS CONSUMED TODAY = Two, whilst on board the train. The rest are still in the fridge.
WINE BOTTLE STATUS = Still chilling in the fridge, and upset it didnt even get considered as an option for the train journey.

<< PREVIOUSLY = Day 4
NEXT >> = Day 6

[Lisa-72]

Stunning photos.

[JamelUK]

Originally Posted by Lisa-72

Stunning photos.

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Thank you.

It was hard choosing today's highlights.
I have literally *hundreds* of photos from Flåm

[wickesy]

A Norwegian fjord cruise is something I've always wanted to do but never got around to (aside from our brief experience last month). I think this report has just bumped it back up to the top of the list.

[JamelUK]

Originally Posted by wickesy

A Norwegian fjord cruise is something I've always wanted to do but never got around to (aside from our brief experience last month). I think this report has just bumped it back up to the top of the list.

See more...

Done it twice now and it didnt disappoint the second time around.
Still awesome.

Its like The Lakes on steroids.

[HiddenMickey35]

Love your story but photos look so beautiful...

Scottishwee35

[houseofmouse]

Such a shame you missed the "adults killer darts friendly" bet you wished you had stayed on the ship now

[christybell]

What a great day- Your photos are fantastic- It has really made me want to go

I take it Lindsay is not a Dibber and doesnt read the trippie

Glad to hear you are practising patience

Hope Mels back improves tomorrow